Captain Siemer’s Tie Dye were on a bad trip to start the season, sweating and shaking on the basement couch at a not-so-groovy 0-2-2, and closing in on full freak out mode, man. Week Five saw the long-awaited arrival of the SDFHL’s latest mythological hero, Brian Sheptycki. The new comer dropped in, and his effect was immediate, and very potent. The chemistry certainly seems to be altered for this team, and future opponents should be bracing themselves for a whole Lotta Sheptycki Damage…

Alan Razoky put this week’s cover team on the board in the first minute of play, and assisted on fellow Calgarian Brian Sheptycki’s first career goal later in the period. Sheptycki, in turn, recorded a second assist on a goal credited to Melissa Busby (clearly a scoring error…I will look into it) to swell the lead to three. OG SDFHLers, and ride or die homies, Raj Patel and Jerry Gonzales, assisted on each other’s counter-strike offerings for Orange over the next two periods, but another Sheptycki goal (again…scoring error…Busby credited with an assist), and another Sheptycki assist (on one of two legitimate London Peters insurance tallies in the third) powered Tie Dye to their first win of the season, 6-2 over Orange. The win elevates Tie Dye out of the muck at the bottom of the standings, at least for now, while Orange remain safely tucked towards the top of the table, in spite of the loss.

Red scored first and last, but it was another week, another win for the indomitable ‘Eight-Ball Bender’. Carl Vankoughnett sparked a run of five unanswered goals, including a pair from perennial scoring sensation, Jeff Chen, one from rookie Quinn Hume, and the Steve Goncalo GWG, as White continued to blow past opponents in running their record to a perfect 5-0-0. The 5-2 stroll past Red had the victors rattling off over thirty shots…something of a rarity in this league, and a further illustration of White’s utter dominance. The numbers are staggering across the board for this juggernaut, who look destined to rumble straight through to the finish line without a scratch. Red, meanwhile, now stand at 1-3-1, and will need to scratch their way up the standings a bit if they hope to avoid a pre-Labor Day layoff.

Captain Mark Ennsmann put Black on the board in the first period, and Don Tran (20/20) made sure that was all his team would need to prevail over Purple, 3-0. Andrew Jacobsen netted a pair in the third period to dash any hope of a comeback for Captain Salt & Associates, who suffered their second straight shutout loss to drop to 2-2-1 on the season. The win is the first for Black since Week One, and it levels their record at an identical 2-2-1. Cory Brin was steady and sharp in his return from a concussion he suffered back in Week Two, but Purple definitely missed the dynamic defensive duo of Andrew Wong and Andy Strathman in the loss.

Two teams in desperate need of their first win collided in Week Five, with Gold taking on Lime. More accurately, Gold took on half of Lime, as attendance issues once again plagued Captain Enright’s side. The understaffed underdogs fought hard, and employed a definitive strategy of ice, ice baby, but Gold broke through in the second period, and marched on to a 4-0 win. Connor Miller assisted on all four Gold goals, including Chad Goins’ game-winner, Captain Janet Goins’ power play tally, and Tim Vick’s lead-padding pair. Matt Henderson stopped what little he faced (7/7), while Alex Theis was stellar, but stung by ceaseless salvos (28/32). The win vaults Gold into the thick of the playoff hunt, while Lime are barely ‘Stayin’ A Lime’ at 1-4-0 with four games to play. It doesn’t get any easier with Black up next, but if the Malki boys make it out to play the rest of the way, anything is possible…

Some losses hurt more than others, and Pink’s 2-1 loss to Green was particularly painful for Mark DeGraffenreid (yours truly), who is almost certainly out for the rest of the season with a fubarred hamstring. Captain Joshi’s crew fought hard, with Ramsey Ksar cutting the lead in half in the late going, but the Dan Jurgens goal off a draw with :05 on the clock in the first, and a late second period strike from Steve Jones spelled doom for a team already soaking in doom near rock bottom in the standings. Both goalies were sharp in the low scoring affair, with Andrew Lockard (17/18) prevailing over Chris Tran (22/24). Perhaps a poised and potent Pope replacement and a little grit can turn things around for Pink, starting this Sunday against Purple, but it is definitely coming to the now or never part of the season. Meanwhile, the Green machine keeps on chugging, still sitting in striking distance of the top spot with four games left to play.

Captain Joshi’s Pink, and Captain Siemer’s Tie Dye sides both had designs on breaking into the W column in Week Four. A win for Pink would snap their two game tie streak, would prove that they could actually beat an opponent, and would give them some early season comfort with four points (good enough for fifth place). A win for Tie Dye would snap a two game losing streak, and scrape them off the basement floor of the standings. As fate would have it (fate is kind of a cynical, sarcastic dick face with a bad sense of humor), neither team would get their win. Old Man Gary Peters slapped home a Tom Darlington feed to give Tie Dye a mid first period lead, but Mark DeGraffenreid tucked home a pinpoint Eric Willard cross to tie it just over a minute later. Chris Tran was superb in nets, stopping 18/19, and wiping his brow that the likes of Alan Razoky and Brian Sheptycki were not in attendance. Mark Boulanger was less busy, but no less effective at the other end, stopping 7/8, and getting some help from the pipes to preserve the 1-1 tie. Both teams will surely need to be better in the second half of the season, and it all starts with that first win. It may not happen this Sunday for either team, as Pink will square off with 3-1-0 Green, and Tie Dye will take on 3-1-0 Orange.

Captain Mark Nagy led the charge in his team’s first win of the season, scoring twice, and assisting on goals by Jim LaGrossa and Josh Wirt. LaGrossa’s second of the evening proved the game-winner, and Danielle Franco-Morrison got in on the fun in the 6-2 trouncing of short-benched Gold. Christian LeClair earned his first career SDFHL victory with a 15/17 performance, allowing only a brief third period surge from Chris Turner and Connor Miller. Matt Henderson did his best for Gold (23/29), who were without Captain Janet Goins, Chad Goins, Nick Adkins, Kamal Gill, and Troy Ferguson. Ferguson is now lost for the season with a plantar fascia tear…the hits keep on coming. Still, every team is very much still in the hunt, and Gold will look to turn the beat around against Lime in a big Week Five match up.

Andrew Jacobsen can usually do it alone, but Nick Vacchio tried that role on for size in Week Four, scoring both goals for Orange in a 2-1 win over AJ’s Black. Jacobsen did have the lone tally in the losing cause, accounting for the only blemish on the night for super sub Mark Boulanger (26/27). Don Tran took the tough loss at the other end (20/22), leaving Black in the middle of the pack at 1-2-1. Orange pull into Week Five at 3-1-0, but will be without the services of Rob Sangha in this week’s tilt with Tie Dye. Sangha will be serving a one game suspension for his actions in a Week Three loss to Purple. Black make the turn into the second half against that very same Purple team, who will themselves be looking to rebound from a Week Four loss.

They say ‘the rich get richer’, and Captain Pynn’s ‘Eight-Ball Bender’ are definitely ‘the rich’ this season. Goals by Carl Vankoughnett (1 and 2), Ryan Owen (1 and 1), Jon Zygelman (1 and 1), and Steve Linke (1 and 2) kept White comfortably paced on offense. The defense gave Lime nothing, and Chuck Bender cruised to yet another shutout, stopping 21/21 in the 4-0 win over listless Lime. The staggering stats continue to mount for White, who sit at 4-0-0, with 17 goals for, two goals against, a +39 shot differential, and three shutouts in four tries. ‘Wirt, Min & Fire’ jump out of the frying pan of their first win, and into the White hot fire in Week Five. Call me crazy, but I have money on a big upset…

Green went down to White in Week Three, but not without a fight (they have accounted for the only two goals against White this season). Captain Noceti and company were out for revenge in Week Four, and Purple picked the wrong Sunday to wander across their path. The law firm of Jones & Jurgens made Purple pay heavily on court, with the former dropping 3 and 2 gavel, and the latter slapping on 2 and 3 set of cuffs. Bill Casey (1 and 2) and Alaa Razoky (1 and 1) played key supporting roles in the 7-0 Purple punishment, Captain Salt & Company’s first loss of the season. Andrew Lockard secured his second shutout of the season, stopping all thirteen shots he faced. Chuck Bender did not fare nearly as well without his White mates in front of him, suffering the lopsided loss in Cory Brin’s stead with a 16/23 line. Brin is hopeful to return from a concussion this week, when Purple will look to get back on track against Black.

‘Wissco Brinferno’ remained the only other undefeated team, blanking Orange, 3-0 to open the Week Three slate. Dorothy Kline earned POTW honors, scoring not once, but twice to lead the charge for her team. Captain Jon Salt assisted on her GWG in the first minute of play, and added an insurance notch late in the third. Mark Boulanger was a perfect 13/13 in a fill-in stint for Cory Brin, who is still dealing with concussion symptoms from a blow to the head he suffered against Red. Purple will have a tough test in Green this week, who are coming off their first loss of the season to early going juggernaut, White.

Week Three headliners, ‘Eight-Ball Bender’, jumped out early on Green, with Jon Zygleman finishing a sequence that started with Shelby Shattuck and Jeff Chen. Zygleman returned the favor on Chen’s second period tally that doubled White’s lead, and had them standing at eleven goals-for, ZERO goals against through the first eight periods of their Summer campaign. Dan Jurgens put the first blemish in Chuck Bender’s GA column, and Bill Casey added a second, but Casey’s strike was wedged between two empty netters, with Ryan Owen’s proving the game-winner, and Quinn Hume’s the deal-sealer. The wild finish left the final score at 4-2, White over Green, and left fans wanting more of this great match-up.

Captain Janet Goins’ group are off to a truly remarkable start. After serving as White’s first regular season victim in a 5-0 Week One loss, Gold have yet to surrender another goal. The problem…they still have yet to score one! A second straight 0-0 tie, this time facing Black, may have Gold in the SDFHL record books as the only team to go without a goal through their first three full games. Our crack statisticians are working on that, but meanwhile, Gold is working on a ‘slow and steady wins the race’ plan that just might work. Two ties in three tries gives them two points in the standings, good enough to be well in the mix, in spite of their offensive futility. Alex Theis (17/17) became the latest to blank Gold, while Matt Henderson earned his second straight shutout with a 16/16 effort. I, for one, love streaks in sports, and I am anxious to see when this goal drought ends for Goins & Company. I am equally anxious to see whether they can continue to produce points in the standings without producing points on the floor.

Both Lime and Tie Dye stepped on the court in Week Three with hopes of earning a first W on the season. Attendance and injury issues have plagued Lime, while Tie Dye have fought hard, but produced just one of four possible points in the standings against two of this season’s tougher teams (Purple & Green). Lime welcomed in yet ANOTHER Malki, with younger son, Christian, coming on to replace the injured Erik Taylor, and bringing the Malki count to three. Three is clearly the magic number, as big brother, Joe Malki, put Lime on top in the first, and rookie, Tyler Winstead, scored his first career goal to win it in the third — 2-1 Lime over Tie Dye. Alan Razoky had evened the score for Tie Dye with his third of the season back in the first, but Alex Theis would not be denied his first win of the season, stopping 19/20 to push his team into the thick of the playoff hunt through three weeks of play.

Captain Hima Joshi and Pink were on the Gold plan coming into Week Three, with zero goals, and just one tie to show for their first two weeks of play. It looked like it would be more of the same against Red, as Jim LaGrossa and Josh Wirt paced their side to a 2-0 lead. Julie Ott finally broke the seal for Pink just over a minute after Wirt’s tally, and Eric ‘Pinball’ Willard knotted the score on a crazy carom from behind the goal line to knot it for good at 2-2. It’s not a true victory, but certainly a moral victory for Pink, who are hanging on in the standings with two straight ties, and have now…found their scoring touch? Red has become a surprising story of struggle thus far, falling below the cut line to 0-2-1. They look to right the ship and keep Gold scoreless in a crucial Week Four tilt.

Not to be a downer, man, but the 70’s wasn’t all booger sugar and bell bottoms. Some bad shit went down. Bad shit happens every decade, and Steve Jones is a consistent reminder of the bad shit that can happen to your team when you dare to oppose him. Rub it in with Jurgens and the result is even more horrifying. The pleasant version of the story is that your team’s hopes of winning die. I’ll spare you the ugly details, but check the top of the standings, the scoring charts, and your team’s schedule…you’ll want to prepare for the worst.

The Citrus Bowl saw Orange slice up Lime, 5-2. It didn’t help Captain Wendy Enright’s cause that her team was already cut in half with absences. Orange took full advantage, as league founder, Raj Patel, led the way with 2 and 1, including the game-winner early in the second. Jerry Gonzales and Kevin Dinino chipped in 1 and 1, and Rob Sangha and Jet Javelet each recorded two assists for Orange. Not to be left out of the transportation-inspired name bonanza, rookie Sailboat Lewis booked his first SDFHL point, an assist on Gonazles’ late first period tally. SDFHL super vet, Justin Stege, provided both scoring responses for Lime, who were without Chris Malki, Joe Malki, Anthony Cerasuolo, Erik Talor, and Tyler Winstead.

They didn’t make the headlines this week, but ‘Eight-Ball Bender’ is lining up opponents and blowing them away. Captain Jordan Pynn’s side stands at 2-0-0, but also features a 9-0 GF-GA line. That’s right…pure, uncut, potent…the hard stuff…nothing to sneeze at. This week’s dealer of choice was Carl Vankoughnett, who struck for 2 and 1. Jon Zygelman accounted for 1 and 2, and Ryan Owen chalked up two assists, leaving Black with nary a sniff in the 4-0 win. The namesake, Chuck Bender, is off to a stellar summer, recording his second straight shutout with a 12/12 line. White will face a true test in Week Three, as they come up against 2-0-0 Green to give us a better idea whether coke or cash is king.

‘Wissco Briferno’ lit the kindling early, and stoked themselves to a 3-0 first period lead. John Gamm picked up where he left of last week, scoring the opener, and Captain Jon Salt promptly tacked on two more. Red’s resistance began with Craig Russell scoring what I am told (but still cannot believe) is his first ever SDFHL goal. Russell’s late first period first was all Red could muster until Jim LaGrossa found twine on the power play late in the third. Cory Brin was unconscious in nets, stopping 28/30, and weathering a late 5 on 3 flurry in heroic fashion, as Purple held on for the 3-2 win. Unfortunately, Brin was (quite literally) knocked semi-conscious by an errant knee, and is out for an undermined span with concussion syndrome.

Both Gold and Pink entered Week Two having generated zero goals. Both left the court on Sunday with matching goals-for goose eggs intact. The silver lining…the 0-0 result allowed both teams to pick up their first point in the standings. Outside of that, there is not much to record for posterity in this one. Chris Tran was the busier of the two netminders, stopping 17/17, while Matt Henderson deflected 13/13 shots, mostly of the ho-hum variety.

Steve Jones continued to enforce his will on the opposition, scoring twice before passing the baton to Dan Jurgens (2 and 2). Bill Casey and Captain Zach Siemer exchanged goals in the third to bring the final score to 5-1, Green over Tie Dye. Andrew Lockard (23/34) out-dueled Mark Boulanger (18/23), keeping Green a perfect 2-0-0, and dropping Tie Dye to 0-1-1. Jones and Jurgens are both bubbling at the top of the scoring charts, and the chemistry is clearly already there. They say ‘pick your poison’, but…poison is poison…never trust a big shot and a smile.

Captain Jordan ‘Let The Records’ Pynn recorded the first goal of the Summer 2019 season at 4:07 in the first, and that would be the only goal White would need. The 5-0 Gold rush also featured 1 and 1 from Steve ‘Go-Go’ Goncalo, Carl ‘CV, Yes!’ Vankoughnett, and Jeff ‘You Should Be Dan…’ Chen, Ryan ‘Never Tiptoein’ Owen’s first of the season, and Quinn ‘Tessential’ Hume’s first career SDFHL point (the lone assist on Vankoughnett’s tally). Team namesake, Chuck ‘Eight-Ball’ Bender, stopped 12/12, while Matt ‘& All That’ Henderson had some issues with the volume of shots the other way, stopping 27/32.

The match between Red and Black featured a fittingly checkered score sheet. Red had an answer for all four Andrew ‘One Man Crew’ Jacobsen goals (Jeannine ‘Dancin’ Machine’ Stuzka, Min-Soo ‘Lefty’ Smith, Josh ‘Good Hurt’ Wirt, Mark ‘DaSpark’ Daquipa), but failed to account for Michael ‘Fro Real’ Froman. It’s all about the fro, man. Jacobsen did (of course) assist on Froman’s first period marker, and Froman returned the favor on Jacobsen’s game-winner in the third. BFF’s Katherine ‘K Dizzy’ Dicker and Alyce ‘Kill & Bury’ Perry each collected two assists, and Christian ‘Mingle’ LeClair lost his SDFHL debut 5-4 in a wild one, stopping 11/16.

The party ground to a halt in the third game of the evening, as two full periods, and 9:06 of a third wound past with nary a single step taken or net shaken. Leave it to Jerry ‘Old Jeezy’ Gonzales to finally get things jumping again. Gonzales’ capped a late one on two rush with a strange, bounding ball that crossed Chris ‘Ladies Man’ Tran’s body, hit the post, and found a home. Captain Steph ‘No Half Stephin’ Palomo Schmidt locked down the win with an empty netter…Orange over Pink, 2-0. Marc ‘Boogie Down’ Devoe had a relatively comfy path to shutout glory (9/9), while Tran came close, but not close enough to matching the feat at 14/15.

Tie Dye…tie is right there in the color, FFS. Naturally, Captain Psiemer’s Psychadelic Psquad battled to a 3-3 no win situation with Purple in Week One. Sophomore sensation, John ‘Wham, Bam, Thank You’ Gamm, scored not once, but thrice, assisted on each by that other Jon…that no ‘h’ loser…sad. Alexis ‘Saurus Rexis’ DaCosta collected assisted on all three strikes for Tie Dye, with Alan ‘King Of The North’ Razoky netting a pair, and adding a helper of his own on Adam ‘Bomb’ Schindler’s first of the season. Both goalies were solid and stable (these were sweet goals, folks), with Cory ‘Glory, Story, Allegory, Montessori…‘ Brin stopping 18/21, and Fred ‘Diva’ Fournier concluding his SDFHL career in a fill-in role with a 23/26 effort. We will miss you, Freddie! Send waffles and beer!

Hey, gang…remember Steve ‘Accidents Will Happen…Like The Killing Of Your Team, By Me‘ Jones? Well, he’s back, and he’s back at it. To the surprise of absolutely no one, Jones accounted for both goals in Green’s 2-0 win over Lime. Andrew ‘Stone Cold’ Lockard stopped all ten shots he faced (because Jones did not turn and fire on him), while Alex ‘Riunite On‘ Theis was strong (14/16), but saddled with a loss in his return to league action.