Colonel Chadwick Grey:  It remains unclear whether Grey is, or was a ‘colonel’ in the traditional military sense, or a ‘colonel’ in the founder-of-a-fried-chicken-empire sense.  He does love to spin lengthy ‘war stories’ (in what seems a very put-on southern drawl), but it is more often (what should have been a very short story) about sustaining some minor wound, or suffering some personal affront on the ‘battle field’ (hockey rink).  Whatever the case, Grey’s contemptuous looks during the toast at the welcome dinner certainly make it seem like he has ‘something cooking’…perhaps herbs and spices aren’t his only secret?

Duchess Jeannine Gold-Diggerton:  The deliciously apropos hyphenated surname has nothing to do with coincidence…the Duchess intentionally sought out Duke Duncan Diggerton at a retreat for the wealthiest (and shallowest) of barely human bazillionaires, ‘courted’ him, and found herself ‘happily married’ the very next day.  Most agree that we can replace ‘courted’ with ‘hypnotized’, and ‘happily married’ with ‘legally attached to the ample teat of a zombified rich man’, but honestly, who really cares?  You probably should care about the whole hypnosis bit, though…it’s said she can make even the most non of nonbelievers in the mysterious art do her bidding with just a twinkle of the eyes and a few quick gestures.  President Pope always was a sucker for an eye twinkle…

Professor Kyle VonBraun:  Teaching is a noble profession, which is why the rumors are likely true that VonBraun is not an actual professor.  While the ‘degrees’ on the wall of his office are impressive, a closer look proves that the only impressive bit about them is the impeccable Photoshop work that has taken place.  VonBraun ‘professes’ to teach high level computer science and analytics classes at an ‘esteemed university, somewhere in the mountains…you wouldn’t have heard of it…don’t try to look it up’, but it seems clear that the only class he is actually qualified to teach is ‘Pretending To Be Someone You’re Not 101’.  Perhaps he actually majored in…murder?

General Severus Eggplant:  Unlike ‘Colonel Grey’, this General has actually earned his stripes in battle…we thank him for his service.  Despite having retired nearly a decade ago, Eggplant still clearly features himself as THE leader of any given group.  He maintains a habit of barking at/commanding those around him, regardless of their ‘rank’ in a given social circle, and often becomes flustered to the point of (rather violent) physical ‘expression’ when things don’t march to his drum beat.  As you think back…he did seem to bristle quite a bit at the attention and respect being given to President Pope as guests gathered last night in the Orange Ballroom…makes you wonder if he declared his own private war in the dark corners of his mind, between sips of brandy…

Baron Bryan L’Orange:  The title ‘Baron’ seems a bit old world, and…it is.  L’Orange chose this ‘branding’ for himself after careful consideration, and intense consultation with a team of the world’s most renown and respected hipsters.  In reality, L’Orange is a titan of modern industry…something of an Elon Musk, but…well, the ‘Elon Musk of personal pleasure products’.  Sadly, as his wealth continued to grow, and as his market penetration increased, he came to be more and more manic, moodier, and so unpredictable that not even his cutting edge ‘Dildo69’ AI model (yes, he went there) could offer insight into his mental state and motives.  Would ‘Ruthless Killer’ be enough of a ‘disrupting, and paradigm shifting’ rebrand for L’Orange?   

Mister (‘Doctor’) John ‘Black Hat’ Boddy:  More title twisting here…Boddy fancies himself a ‘doctor’ and INSISTS that one always refer to him as such.  Outside of expertly ‘doctoring’ his medical credentials, however, he has no claim to the title.  Ironically, ‘Mister Doctor’ is ‘MD’, so…I think we have a compromise.  Boddy earned the nickname ‘Black Hat’ some time back, after he turned out to be the ‘strange man’ in a series of reports detailing a ‘strange man in a black hat walking along the rooftops in town’.  So, it’s clear that Boddy has less fear of heights than he does of appearing to be a normal civilian without a fancy professional title.  People can fall from heights.  People can be pushed from heights.  People pushed from heights can die.  You don’t need to be a doctor to understand all of that…

Reverend Ryan Blanco:  TV evangelists get a bad rap…for good reason.  ‘Blanco’s Blessings’ was one of the most popular (and lucrative) religious programs ever aired, but (*shocked gasp*) a wave of scandals gradually enveloped the ‘church’, leaving Blanco with nothing but his trophy wife, three spoiled kids, and a (literal) swimming pool filled with congregation cash as consolation.  You really needed just one piece of evidence to know that he was not an actual ‘religious man’…he is (or…was) best friends with the newly-deceased (a man with as much use for a Bible as a subscription to a ‘single sock of the month’ club).  You’d like to count Blanco out of the suspect pool for that very reason, but…ask the ‘good’ Reverend about the shirt that President Pope INSISTED he wear to his wedding.  Cliffs Notes…Blanco wanted to wear a very, very similar shirt to the one Pope picked out for the groomsmen, but NO…that shirt wasn’t EXACTLY right for the occasion.  Sometimes it’s the little things (like your BFF’s OCD) that trigger people to make big mistakes…

Lady Leah Tealsdale:  Lady Leah left her life as LA’s lone ‘labia lawyer’ (cashing in on a spate of botched ‘vaginal rejuvenation’ surgeries) to lead a lavish, but low key, lay-about life in La Paz.  While by no means ‘off the grid’, her move to Bolivia kept her already pretty private personal life that much more out of the minds, and off the tongues of her fellows in the Orange Ballroom.  She did let slip that she is betrothed to a wealthy (female) South American shipping tycoon, and that the whole ‘Lady’ bit was something of a pet name until Tealsdale formally adopted the moniker sometime after the proposal.  Oh, she also let slip that ‘I hate President Pope, and hope this trip to 4S Manor is the last time I, or anyone else, will ever have to see him alive’.  You have to admit, as damning quotes in the midst of a murder investigation go, even Lady Leah the legendary labia lawyer would agree that authorities are going to have a hard time seeing past that gem…

Doctor J’ermé Olivier:  In a shocking twist (for this crew) Olivier is indeed a real doctor!  Not so shocking…definitely a fake Frenchman.  If I were born Jeremy Jerome Jackson, I might have opted for something cool like ‘J Trey’ or ‘Trey J’, but I suppose that works better as a hip hop handle than the name at the top of countless published medical journal entries, and slathered across at least half a dozen ivy league college buildings.  It’s probably worth mentioning that Olivier’s name change may just have been the tip of the alteration iceberg.  What started as a ‘wild conspiracy’ theory has looked more like strange and macabre truth of late, with Olivier linked to an underground group of doctors who are ‘exploring the finest of threads between life and death’.  That’s fancy speak for essentially killing ‘patients’, then attempting to ‘bring them back to life’.  Perhaps he got the process half right last night?   

Detective Joel Q. Redman:  No murder mystery would be complete without a shrewd, sarcastic private eye in the mix.  This murder mystery will have to make do with a boozy, bumbling, and only sometimes brilliant clue hound.  Redman’s days on the force ended with the stray bullet that still lives lodged in his lower back.  The bullet, and the Bulleit bourbon he now uses to numb the pain of that ever-present foreign object have rendered him surly, slurry, and surely not as sharp as he used to be.  Oh, it’s probably worth mentioning that the stray bullet living inside Redman came not from a fleeing perp, but from President Pope’s hunting rifle.  Accidents happen…and so do re-accidents…

Princess Janine diRosa: Actual princess…and yes, she actually wears that tiara everywhere she goes…even in the shower…even to bed.  Her prim, proper, and persnickety nature should come as no surprise, based on word association with ‘princess’ alone, but the gowns and crowns hide a darker side…much darker…like, super dark.  You see, our perfect little princess ‘went missing’ for several years in the early 00’s.  She claimed to have been ‘finding herself’, and recounted stories of cross country travels to friends, family, and (ultimately) federal agents, who wondered (with good reason) how she continually/reliably ‘found herself’ in the wrong place at the wrong time, with police connecting her to the time/date dots of a string of unsolved murders from New York to San Diego.  Her ‘royal’ clout and wealth have kept her free (for now), and while her floor-length ball gown hides her ankle tracker, she can’t hide her true nature for long…   

With Week Three of playoff action comes the first eliminations, and both Captain Bathgate’s seventh-seeded ‘ScrantoNeonicity’ and Captain Downes’ top-seeded ‘Orange Vod-Juice-Ka’ were hoping to avoid that fate and survive to see another second season Sunday. It was all Orange early and often, as Justin Ker put the favorites in front just 0:34 in (from super sub, Steph Palomo Schmidt). Zach Salt doubled the lead at 7:06 (from Ker and Palomo Schmidt), and Ker’s solo encore saw the period close with a 3-0 Orange lead. Ker completed the hat trick with another unassisted strike at 3:24 in the second, and it was really starting to look like the Battle Of Bright Colors would be something of a dull, one-sided affair. David Schlatter finally solved Matt Henderson (18/21) late in the second (from Shawna Hamon), and a powerplay pop from Vinny Santora (Jackson Tomaszewski) cut Orange’s lead down to two. Christopher Fiore’s goal with 1:49 remaining (Schlatter and Carl Vankoughnett) had the benches and spectator sections buzzing with shocked oohs and comeback coos, but Henderson would not concede anything further, and Orange would survive the scare, 4-3. Chuck Bender (18/22) needed a strong start in this one, but he held his team in to the end…an end that would spell the end of the season for Neon, and a chance at redemption for the top seeds. Captain Downes’ crew will need the same FPE (first period energy) against Green this Sunday if they hope to push on to an immediate showdown with second-seeded Red.

Captain Rob Gaudio’s upstart cover team, ‘Threat Level Midnight’, looked to continue their sneak attack on the higher seeds in a Week Three meeting with Captain Steve Linke’s ‘Red-Dit-Dit-Di-Doo’. While eliminations were not in the offing in this match, a ticket to the Final was, and it made for a very intense (many would say TOO intense) affair. Kyle Snyder put Black in front first, with Cory Brin collecting what may well be his first SDFHL point, but Pat Gladstone’s second in as many games (from Scott Wieland and Justin Stege) brought the favorites level just over three minutes later. Two quick late strikes from Snyder at 0:59 (from Andrew Wong) and Mason LaGrossa on the power play (from Will Heinl and Wong) brought the first period to a crashing, chaotic close, and had the underdogs suddenly up by a pair with two periods to play. Captain Linke converted on the power play (very) late in the second (from Sadie Hellstrom), setting up a tight third period that wound down to the final minutes with Black still clinging to a 3-2 lead. lt was more power play pay dirt with 2:10 to play, as Justin Stege cashed in unassisted to knot the score at three apiece, and set up the FOURTH overtime period in the first ten games of these playoffs. Overtime was fruitless, but it is worth noting that Red finished four periods of hockey with a 32-16 edge in shots. Cory Brin (29/31) was clutch in regulation and OT, but even more clutch in the shootout. Three blank rounds ticked past before Steve Linke proved that old men can still score…provided others are not allowed near them. Mason LaGrossa was quick to put Black back on even footing, though, and a blank fifth round set up a sudden death round six that saw Brin turn Boddy away, and Papa (Jim) LaGrossa finish what his son had started and send Black on to the big dance with a 4-3 shootout win. It’s a tough way to lose a game, but Red must find a way to bounce back against the winner of Orange v Green this Sunday if they want to chance at revenge/redemption. Black will enjoy a bye this weekend, and will need just one more win in the Final to capture the Cup and cap an impressive fifth to first playoff campaign.

The night cap was another win-or-go-home affair, with Captain Luke Wolmer’s eighth-seeded ‘Kelly Kapoorsports’ looking to keep their drive from barely-survive to best alive against Captain Kaitlyn Brusso’s sixth-seeded ‘Golden Dundies’. Green co-namesake, Sean Kelly, was in typical top form in this one, proving that a great goaltender can be THE key come playoff time. Kelly stopped all twenty-four Gold shots he faced, which means Green either won in regulation, or this was some crazy pitchers’ duel that went to a shootout. Spoiler alert, it was the former. Joe Malki struck first at 6:52 in the first (from Papa Chris Malki and Min-Soo Smith), then Captain Wolmer tucked home a short-handed goal (from Chris Malki and Shelby Shattuck) to give Green a 2-0 edge through one. A scoreless second meant the game was still well in reach for Gold, who were outshooting their rivals at a near 2-1 clip, but Joe Malki’s second of the night at 8:32 in the third (Wolmer and Smith) sure seemed like a nail in Gold’s proverbial coffin. It was. In fact, if you were paying attention to the early part of this recap, you know that Da Kid only needed one nail to send Gold to the playoff scrapheap, as he outdueled super sub Nick Meglich to carry his team to a 3-0 win. So, Gold join color cousins, Neon on the second season sidelines, while Green advance to a doozy of a doubleheader in Week Four. If Green should find a way to slide past #1 Orange, they will then have to drag their tired bodies past #2 Red in order to punch their ticket to the Final. If anyone can make it happen, it’s Kelly, who is one of the most decorated and celebrated performers in league history…with good reason.

Boxes are up…recaps to come…