‘We need to talk’, ‘do we have flood insurance’, ‘has your neck always had that weird bulge in it’…just a few of the things you really don’t want to hear in your life. If you’re Captain Ryan Karns’ White, you can add ‘Wirt is out with food poisoning’ to the list, and you can underline and highlight that if that rest of the sentence is ‘…and we’re facing Silas Perks and Olive in an elimination game tonight’. You REALLY need all of your shields at the ready, and your swords at their sharpest when you play Olive, because if you allow two goals…you’re done, and if you don’t manage to somehow beat them 1-0 or 2-1 in regulation or overtime…you’re done. With Wirt out of the lineup, White’s hopes at avoiding ‘being done’ were heavily eroded, but playoff hockey is certainly not a vacuum in which flukes, freakish feats, and unreal upsets cannot silence the echoes of expectation (holy hell, this reads like I am so high…I’m actually not). Olive was certainly encouraged by the absence of White’s leading scorer, and knowing from Week Ten experience that they could but this team even with Wirt in the lineup (albeit in a 1-0 escape pod with 2:14 to play) had to have them feeling like the rematch was theirs to lose. A scoreless first featured a shocking role reversal for the one seed, as they outshot White 9-3! Dan Soar (the pilot of the aforementioned Week Ten escape pod), broke through at last for Olive with an unassisted effort at 8:14 in the second, and Aaron Cooney notched the dreaded second goal with 2:56 to play in that middle third (Hima Joshi and Brandon Olsen). The only thing worse than finding yourself down two goals going into the third period of a game against a Silas-Perks-backed team is finding yourself down three with less than half a period to play. Christopher Fiore, now universally whispered to be the most underrated player in the league, made that horrifying hypothetical a horrifying reality for White, making it 3-0 Olive with 4:31 to play (Cooney). Carl Vankoughnett, White’s second best weapon, and best non-poisoned one, finally solved Perks to give White late hope at 3:32 (Kevin Dinino & Arnold Gonzales), but as we have established…you’re lucky to get one on Perks, and two is almost always ‘two much to ask’. Perks (13/14) would indeed hold on, washing out a valiant Matt Henderson (15/18) bid at that other end, and washing White out of the playoff picture, 3-1. Olive would not have long to savor the win, grabbing a seat and some fluids before trotting back out to take on Brown in the Losers Bracket Final…

Revenge may be a dish ‘best served cold’, but it’s definitely not a dish that Brown wanted served to them at any temperature. Captain Kyle Prior’s Brown had delivered the LONE loss on the season to Olive two weeks prior, and had (cautiously optimistic) hopes of repeating the feat against (what they hoped would be) a tired side, and beginning preparations of their own revenge ragout for Red. You might have noticed a mention or two of Olive’s goalie in the recaps each week (if you look closely). ‘The Silencer™’ had allowed more than ONE goal just TWICE in twelve games coming in…the first in a 4-2 win over Brown in Week Four of the regular season, and again in a 2-1 loss to Brown in Week Two of the playoffs. So…Brown had the rare air of confidence of not just having scored two goals on Perks, but having AVERAGED two goals against a goalie with a 0.63 GAA. They knew that they COULD beat Olive if they could just play their game, and count on the numbers to bear out. The numbers did not bear out, and Olive washed Brown’s ‘but we can score TWO’ confidence right off the court with a three goal first period blitz that made this one feel over early. Chris Fiore (aforementioned most underrated player in the league) struck first just 1:01 in (Jon Zygelman & Aaron Cooney), Cooney doubled the lead at 5:26 (Zygelman & Fiore), and Zygelman made it 3-0 at 1:14 (Dan Soar). It’s worth nothing that all three of these goals were somewhere between ‘soft’ and ‘suspect’, but Olive is no stranger to the generosity of the hockey gods, it would seem. Divine intervention or not, a three goal hole against The Silencer™ might as well be the Grand Canyon…with the walls of said canyon well and truly greased, and Brown had A LOT of work to do in the final twenty minutes of play. Zach Salt gave Brown an immediate jolt in the second, scoring at 9:35 (Tony Thinh) to put his team back in ‘we can do this!’ mode. Zygelman’s second of the night at 5:51 in the second (Cooney & Captain Copp) downshifted that dream drive back to reality. Brown would continue to pour on the pressure, ultimately outshooting Olive 32-12 (!), but it seems that the more shots he faces, the stronger Perks grows, and a late token second goal for Andy Strathman (Shawna Hamon) would be all Brown would manage in their attempt to claw their way back. Perks (30/32) advanced to yet another Final, serving Cory Brin (8/12) and Brown a 4-2 revenge a la mode, and dragging his Olive mates along to take on two-seeded Red for all the marbles. If you’re not familiar with the SDFHL playoff format, Olive will need to beat Red twice to win it all. It will be a battle of two titans of the twine (Perks v Kelly), and a fitting match of top two playoff seeds that would surely break ratings records, were it not for those pesky Olympic Games gumming up the works.

The big Winners Bracket showdown was first up on the Week Three playoff docket, and I’ll just pretend you missed the box score that was posted on Monday, and the headline above, and keep you in rapt suspense while I regale you with the details of the battle between Captain Joel Gattey’s Red and Captain Kyle Prior’s Brown. The spoils of regular season success rendered Red’s playoff resume rather pedestrian coming in, with ho-hum wins over #7 Purple and #6 White, while Brown was still swelling with confidence after escaping with an overtime win over #5 Grey, then handing #1 Olive their very first loss…ever. Brown had a more empirical reason to believe they could beat Red, having bested them 3-1 in Week Nine of the regular season, while Red hoped that two key missing players in that first meeting (Alexis DaCosta and Tim Vick) would be difference makers in the rematch. It was Red on the front foot first, with a strange medium range Jackson Tomaszewski wrister somehow finding a path through sticks and legs and into the back of the net behind Cory Brin at 7:12 in the first. Alexis DaCosta, one of the aforementioned ‘key missing players’ when these teams first met, indeed made his ‘key’ presence felt, accounting for Red’s second goal at 8:56 in the second (Craig Russell), then padding the lead to three with his second of the game at 7:48 in the third (Joel Gattey). A goal is a goal is a goal, but with two of the three Red tallies rating VERY far from ‘museum quality’, Brown felt the convergence of tough luck frustration in their end, and the flummoxing futility that comes with trying to solve Sean Kelly at the other. Mark DeGraffenreid finally did just that just sixteen seconds after the second DaCosta conversion (Chuck Russell & Maureen Ruchhoeft), but that would be the only blemish on another sparkling Kelly slate (27/28), as Red held back Brown’s desperate late push to lock down the 3-1 win and punch their ticket to the promised land. Brin (16/19) suffered the loss in his return from an unplanned kitten rescue mission the week prior, and Brown now find themselves down with the rest of the riffraff in the Losers Bracket. They will take on the winner of Olive v White, while Red enjoy a bye week and await the lone survivor…

The first knockout match of the night came next, with the two lowest remaining seeds squaring off in the form of Captain Ryan Karns’ White, and Captain Leah Gonzales’ Teal. You read that correctly…Teal’s OG ‘Lady Tealsdale’ was finally back in action after missing all but ONE of her team’s games to date. While it seemed unlikely that her return itself would be enough to inspire the bottom seeds to victory over a tough and determined White side, fans were hopeful that they would be treated to a the kind of thriller that the first meeting produced. I’m certain it’s a repressed memory by now for those in the Teal ranks, but White rallied from 0-2 down in the third period to stun Teal back in Week Ten, with the game-winner coming with just 0:42 remaining. That…is…brutal. It was White who found themselves up 2-0 in this one, with Carl Vankoughnett doing the honors on both counts (the first from Kevin Dinino at 3:45, and the second from Kerri Sevenbergen and Arnold Gonzales at 2:57). Teal would fashion their own two goal rebound this time around, with Justin Ker converting a Chris Malki helper at 2:29, and…yes, folks…Captain Leah Gonzales making her return triumphant, indeed, with a very pretty equalizer (from Joe Malki) to knot the score at twos going into the second. Vankoughnett was sent off at 2:26 in the second for a rather vicious slash, but Teal proved powerless on the powerplay, surrendering a (rather spectacular) short-handed end-to-end gut punch from Josh Wirt (Captain Karns). Joe Malki drew Teal back level with a solo effort early in the third, and the scene was set for another tense, thrilling sprint to the tape for these two rivals. Nope…it was actually extremely anticlimactic. Three goals in LESS THAN A MINUTE…Dinino from Wirt and Mark Nagy, Vankoughnett’s hat trick capper from Nagy and Dinino, and a solo second of the game from Josh Wirt broke the game wide open for White, and a rocking and reeling Teal would never recover. Perhaps my most loyal front page reader, Matt Henderson (20/23), secured the must-win win for White, while Chuck Bender (16/21) and Teal backed out the playoff door they backed in with the 6-3 loss. White now boast the heaviest playoff scoring hammer with ten goals over three games, but their next opponent, Olive, happens to feature a hammer-proof pipesmith in the form of Silas ‘The Silencer™’ Perks. It’s an intriguing matchup, and whoever survives will face a rested and ready Brown for the right to throw down with Red in the Final.

Captain John Boddy was not in the lineup when his Black band took on Olive in Week Five of the regular season, but an early Geoff Downes Silencer Shocker™ had his team well in line for what (in hindsight) would have been one of the most courageous coups of the season. Instead, Shelby Shattuck tied that game with 3:31 to play, and the teams would shake hands after a 1-1 draw. At season’s end, Black would count themselves among the ‘lucky few’ to nick even a point from Olive, finding themselves in the cozy company of just three teams to manage the feat. Captain Boddy was back for the big rematch, but Dan Jurgens, Marc Lapointe, and Ryan Loughran were out, and while Shattuck was not available to reprise her heroine role, Olive’s leading scorer, Aaron Cooney, was set to make his debut in the second game of this season series. Momentum can be a powerful force, and Black was banking on it paying dividends for them in their second straight do-or-die match. Their 4-0 elimination of Purple restored their spunk and spirit after a disappointing opening loss to White, and the emotional return of Bao Nguyen to the lineup had oddsmakers leaning towards an inspired upset. Perhaps no team was more upset coming into the week than Olive, having suffered their one and only loss to date to Brown the Sunday prior. No one knew how Olive would rebound from a loss, but we were all about to find out. Black came out firing, racking up nine first period shots to Olive’s two, but the top seeds are no strangers to being grossly outshot, and Jason Lee found fortune in one of those two shots to put the favorites in front 1-0 at the 1:20 mark (from Jon Zygelman). The lopsided shot totals hit laughable levels in the second, with Black blasting EIGHTEEN at Perks and Olive mustering just another pair in response. A 27-4 shot advantage in the first two periods of a game would normally translate to at least a three or four goal lead, but Perks is just on another planet. Sean Bathgate did manage to solve the Silencer™ at 4:48 (Brendan Jew & Geoff Downes), with what I was not remotely surprised to hear was a very quick and very precise snipe. So, one goal a piece going into the final fray, with Black swarming and mounting pressure, but Perks putting the ‘live’ in Olive, as always. I can hear the echo of Black hearts breaking as I type, but after dominating Olive for two full periods, Jon Zygelman scored at 9:20 to put the top seeds back on top (Chris Fiore). With any other goalie, a 2-1 deficit is not a death sentence, but the knowledge that two goals past Perks had happened just TWICE to that point in the season (both courtesy of Brown), and knowing that a tie game would only extend the match to an unwinnable shootout…this goal was devastating for Black. The shot totals were relatively even in the third, as Olive entered into protect mode to preserve their slender but sturdy lead. The clock wound down to crunch time, and Black’s final push produced nothing but two empty net goals for their opponent (Zygelman and Lee), drawing the shroud over Black’s playoff corpse, 4-1. Olive move on to face White, with the hopes (nay, expectation) that they will then have a chance to avenge their only loss in thirteen games in the Losers Bracket finale against Brown. It’s VERY hard to bet against Perks, but anything can happen in playoff hockey…

Captain Chad Goins’ Grey had a very uneven season, mixing some rather dominant wins (over (mostly) bad teams) with ties, or tough losses to top teams. The one standout result in their regular season run was a 6-3 Week Six loss to a (very) lowly Teal side who came into that match at 0-3-0, having been outscored 13-2 to that point in the season. That win for Teal was vital for their playoff passage, but honestly did more damage to Grey’s swagger than their standings safety. Playoff losses hurt, though…and sometimes they kill. Grey was primed for revenge against Captain Zach Siemer’s Teal, but alas, they were merely revanquished, instead. A scoreless first saw Teal on the front foot, carrying a 12-7 shot advantage, and generally basking in the glow of much-better-than-Teal-average attendance (Joe Malki, Chris Malki, Luke Wolmer, and Justin Ker (!) all present and accounted for). It was Ker who would strike first, converting a Wolmer feed at 8:32 in the second, then Wolmer on the penalty kill at 4:28 to give the ‘underdogs’ a two goal edge. Chris Malki added a late period dagger (Wolmer & Elyse Shattuck) giving Teal a three goal advantage that iced the towering cake of confidence their dominance over Grey had baked over five periods of play. Captain Siemer made absolutely sure a late comeback was not in the offing, notching his first of the playoffs (Trice Harvey & Joe Malki) to bring the final line to 4-0, Teal over Grey. Chuck Bender (18/18) earned second star honors for his shutdown stint, while Jon Cima (25/29) and Grey backed out of the playoffs as the first ‘two and done’ discard. The big news in the Teal camp is the return of OG captain, Leah Gonzales. Gonzales suffered a thumb injury that required surgery back in mid-April, but her mates kept the Teal ship afloat long enough for her to swim back and climb aboard. So…Captain Gonzales & Company will be taking on White in another elimination match this Sunday. The two teams met back in Week Ten, with White rallying from two goals down to a 3-2 win…with all three goals coming in the final period…and the game-winner coming with 0:42 to play…ouch.

The Losers Bracket is the road to redemption for some, and a playoff offramp for others. Both Captain John Boddy’s Black and Captain Sev Brown’s Purple rolled into their elimination showdown with the hope (and maybe even the expectation) that they would stay on ‘the road’, and watch their opponent take ‘the ramp’. I interrupt this recap to mention that Steven P Linke’s BIRTHDAY fell just three days prior to this match on July 11th…a fact he wanted to be sure saw mention on the front page because ‘I definitely want to make a big deal of it’. So, Purple had perhaps a bit of extra ‘inspo’ (as the kids say (?)) to avenge their 5-3 Week Nine loss to Black….keeping the birthday boy in good spirits on his special weekend. Black had no such extra incentive…they just wanted to hold serve against a lower seed and continue along their path back to the promised land. The first was quiet for both sides, and while Purple held a slight shot advantage (7-5), Black would flip a switch in the first intermission and outshoot their opponent 17-3 over the next two periods of play. The first of those seventeen shots to find twine came off the blade of Captain Boddy (Brendan Jew & Pat Gladstone), and the same players in a different combination accounted for the second successful strike of the second…Jew from Gladstone and Boddy. Number two for Jew (Sean Bathgate) made it 3-0 Black with 2:57 to play, and Sadie Hellstrom netted some empty net insurance with 0:27 to play to close Purple down and out of the playoffs, 4-0. Don Tran (18/21) shouldered a second loss in as many tries, meaning that all that remains in the way of group activities for he and his Purple mates is dinner and drinks on the ‘Clue game’ tab. Ryan Loughran (10/10) earned his first playoff shutout (and win) with a fair amount of credit owing to a lockdown defense (it would seem). Loughran will be out of the lineup when Black take on top-seeded Olive in the late game this Sunday. This matchup produced a 1-1 tie back in Week Five, but as we all know, ties are for businessmen and regular season games…

I don’t refer to the playoffs as ‘the second season’ for nothing. Teams that struggled to find their form in the regular season, or perhaps muddled through attendance or injury issues can often ‘rise up’ when the records are refreshed, and fashion themselves into ‘the new Cup favorites’ in short order. Captain Ryan Karns’ White had designs on tailoring that very trajectory, setting their sights on toppling second-seeded Red as an encore to outlasting third-seeded Black in a thrilling 4-3 opening coup. A win over Red, coupled with an Olive win over Brown, would set up the potential for White to go 3-2-1-FINAL-CUP…the wet dream of any lower seed in the history of sports. Not to carry that analogy to a gross place (but I will), Captain Joel Gattey’s Red was the parent waking White up from that….dream, and while White can still…achieve their goal, they will now have to revert to some good old fashioned imagination and…handy work in the Losers Bracket. For the third straight game to open the Week Two playoff slate, it was a scoreless first period, with Red outshooting White 11-6, but neither team managing a successful strike. Nick Vacchio (having shed his goaltender tether with playoff castoffs, Pink) finally broke through for Red at 4:18 in the second (Tim Vick & Jordan Pynn). The tide of the game remained level, with the shot totals and quality chances evening out, but a Jackson Tomaszewski solo snipe doubled Red’s lead with 5:13 to play. If you have played in this league for at least a season or two, and/or if you ever check the goalie stats, you know that a two goal lead should do the trick if Sean Kelly is patrolling the pipes for your side. Trevor Vick added a ‘just in case’ empty netter with 1:06 to play, and a three goal lead is DEFINITELY sufficient with ‘Da Kid’ on your roster. Kelly (24/24) did indeed hold firm to secure the 3-0 win over White, recording his 125,063^rd career shutout, and sending Captain Gattey’s group to within a win of the big dance. Both teams remain alive, with White looking to outshine the only other remaining lower seed in Teal, and Red priming the pump to punch their ticket to the Final in a showdown with Brown.

The Week Two nightcap was billed as the battle of ‘the unstoppable force’ (Brown’s vaunted offense) versus the ‘immovable object’ (Silas ‘The Silencer™’ Perks). Brown’s 42 regular season goals were nine better than the next best team, while Perks & Partners limited opponents to SEVEN FUCKING TOTAL GOALS OVER TEN GAMES (!), half that of the next lowest total (Red)…so gross. The first three games on the night ended in a shutout, and all signs pointed to this one ending in either another shutout, a shootout, or a VERY tight, low scoring result for one team or the other. Life happens sometimes, and when a frantic Cory Brin called to report that a kitten was stuck in his engine compartment, making the drive to the rink impossible, Brown scrambled to enlist the services of White’s Matt Henderson. Brown had Brin and his new furry friend on their minds throughout, with chants like ‘litter box’ and ‘kitten’ breaking each huddle. Mark DeGraffenreid broke the scoreless first period trend, dashing (?) down the right boards, winning a ball battle with Chris Fiore, then cutting into the slot and shoveling a goal over Perks’ left shoulder. The ball was in and out of the net quickly, and while the ‘good goal’ call came with some delay, it did eventually come. Zach Salt provided the assist on that goal, then added one of his own at 5:19 in the second (Andy Strathman) — an equally in-and-out-in-a-flash low laser that Brown was fortunate enough to have counted. Scoring once on Perks has proven VERY difficult this season, but scoring twice is almost unheard of, having happened just once coming in…a two goal losing effort for…you guessed it…Brown. Brown’s two goal lead in this playoff rematch held as the clock wound close to the midway point of the third, and it was beginning to look like this one would be chalked up for ‘the unstoppable force’. Hima Joshi put a pause on that plan with what was easily the prettiest goal I have ever seen her score, and definitely one of the highlight goals for any player this season. Joshi corralled a crossing feed (Dan Soar & Aaron Cooney), then promptly roofed a wrister over a sprawling Matt Henderson to break Brown’s shutout bid and completely shift the ‘vibe’ of the contest. Olive kept the heat on the rest of the way, outshooting Brown 9-2 in the final frame (and 23-12, overall), but Henderson (22/23) and Brown would hold it down to preserve the 2-1 win. It was a happy ending for Brown, who move on to face Red in the Winners Bracket Final, but also a happy ending for Brin and his new little pet/Brown’s new ‘catscot’ (yes, he is keeping the cat). Olive, completely new to the concept of losing, will need to regroup and take care of business against Black this Sunday, or find themselves having lost the last of their nine playoff lives (OK…two lives…but I was going for the cat tie-in there…sue me).