Candlestuck

Captain Jeannine Stuzka’s ‘Golden Candlestick-handlers’ have shown very little fire to the midway point in the season. At 1-4-0, they will need to halt the waning and start waxing soon or be snuffed out and stored in the basement for good…

Our Week Eight cover team, Gold, is making the paper for all the wrong reasons. With just one win in four tries coming in, and given that the lone win came against league punching bag, Pink, Gold knew they would need a good result against an up and down White side, or risk falling that much further behind the playoff pack. With Silas Perks suited up in place of the still-on-the-shelf Chris Tran, and with a full bench, including the heavy shot of Alan Razoky and perennial scoring standout Brennen Abel in he lineup, it felt like this one was Gold’s game to lose. Unfortunately for Captain Jeannine Stuzka & Company, that is just what they did. Captain Ryan Karns’ White came out with guns blazing, racking up thirteen shots in the first period. Only one of those shots found a way past Perks…a Mark Nagy strike with a helping hand from ‘The Deputy’™, Kevin Dinino. Gold pushed back in the second, posting thirteen shots of their own, but Matt Henderson was in beast mode, and would keep his team on top going into the third. Both Perks (31/32) and Henderson (25/25) were perfect in the final third, meaning that Nagy’s late first period goal would be all White would need to push past Gold, 1-0. The win is significant for White, evening their record at 3-3-0, and moving them into relative comfort in the middle of the standings with their bye week still to come. The loss, while not a death sentence for Gold, leaves them at 1-4-0 with five games to play, including a tough Week Nine matchup with Olive. It’s not quite ‘must win’ time yet, but it’s definitely must-not-lose May for the Handlers, if they have any hopes of playing into July.

Captain John Boddy’s Black strutted through their fist four games without a loss (2-0-2), and while I don’t have a comprehensive attendance chart in front of me, a quick check of the boxes for those four games show just one player missing each time out. One of those four absences (Sadie Hellstrom in Week Seven) was covered by a sub, making three net absences over four games, which has to have them tops in the league for showing up…which we all know is half the battle. That shimmering show-up trend would dull in Week Eight, as Black took to the court to face Brown without Marc Lapointe, Dan Jurgens, and Brendan Jew. A short bench is not always a problem if it means more playing time for a super star, and with Captain Boddy’s history of ho-hum heroics, Brown would need a strong showing from their own super star (Zach Salt), whose absence the week prior spelled doom for Captain Prior’s side. It was a strong Salt showing, indeed, and an old, forgotten, Rec Gym relic proved he also has some ‘super star’ swagger left in the satchel. Mark DeGraffenreid (said forgotten relic) opened the scoring for Brown at 8:06 in the first (Shawna Hamon & Zach Salt), then doubled the edge at 2:57 (Salt). Salt kicked off the second with a solo strike, and DeGraffenreid followed quickly with the hat trick capper/game-winner (Andy Strathman). Captain Boddy finally broke through with two retaliatory responses at 7:00 (Pat Gladstone) and 3:21 (Geoff Downes), but DeGraffenreid’s fourth of the game on the powerplay (Hamon and Tony Thinh) had Brown up 5-2 going into the final ten minutes of play. Boddy would complete his own hat trick, and restore concern to the Brown bench just twenty seconds into the third, but it was all Brown from there out…Salt (Hamon), Salt (Russell), Thinh (Salt and Maureen Ruchhoeft), Ruchhoeft (DeGraffenreid & Strathman). The late spate turned a potential thriller into a 9-3 boat race, with Brown handing Black their first loss of the season, and providing yet another ‘attendance is key’ data point. With six points for Salt (3 and 3) and five for DeGraffenreid (4 and 1), this new dynamic duo keep command of the top two spots in the scoring table with 17 (DeGraffenreid) and 16 (Salt) through six team games. Math will tell you that the two have combined for more points that a number of other (entire) teams this season, while chemistry will tell you that Brown is a volatile threat any given Sunday…goggles, coats, and gloves, people!

Captain Jeremy Copp’s Olive found themselves an even rarer breed after Black’s defeat, now one of just two lossless teams at 3-0-2. The impressive mark is all the more intriguing when you consider that the team entered Week Eight with a goals-for total (11) in the bottom half of the standings. Olive’s clear key to the undefeated kingdom…’The Silencer’™, Silas Perks. Perks’ numbers are bonkers once again this season, with just FIVE goals allowed in five games coming into Week Eight. Captain Chad Goins’ Grey have proven to have no trouble scoring this season, but Perks is a different animal, and Jon Cima and company were definitely playing the role of David to Perks’ and friends’ Goliath. Both David and Goliath were perfect in the first, with Grey’s 9-5 shot advantage producing no advantage on the scoreboard. Justin Stege finally put a ball past Perks at 4:11 in the second (Captain Goins & Kyle Snyder), but SDFHL’s prodigal son, Aaron Cooney, evened the score with his third of the season less than two minutes later (Dan Soar). Grey enjoyed a 7-4 edge in the middle period, and produced another lopsided shot count in the third (8-3), but Perks (23/24) held firm on his end…and Cima (11/12) did well enough with the sling shot to stun the giant with a 1-1 result. Another loss-free week has Olive still in the running for the top spot in the standings at 3-0-2, while the point keeps Grey in relative standings safety with a sample platter 2-2-2 mark. Both teams can exhale and look forward to an (expected) easier outing in Week Nine, with Olive taking on the 1-4-0 Gold, and Grey hoping to unleash their pent-up high-powered offense against a 1-5-0 Pink,

It’s too late to ease concerns with ‘it’s early’ speeches, and consolatory back claps are starting to sting more and more with each loss logged for Captain Janine Ulloa’s Pink. At 1-4-0 coming into a Week Eight meeting with Captain Sev Brown’s Purple, the injured Ulloa could only prop her crutches next to her camping chair and hope the sails would finally unfurl on her swiftly sinking ship. Purple came in rested and reset, with their bye week offering equal parts time for recovery and time for reflection on a pair of tough, tight losses in their previous two outings. I would normally try to build a bit of artificial ‘suspense’ in these recaps (you’ve already seen the boxes, and I am REALLY late with the recaps this week), but there’s really no helping the total lack of close competition in this one. Jon Salt put Purple in front just 1:16 in, and Emily Bennington closed the period with her first of the season to make it 2-0 (Captain Brown & Salt). The middle period was rather quiet, with Salt’s second at 2:57 serving as the only scoring (Jason Northrup), but the third was a bludgeoning bonanza…Salt on the powerplay (Jon Champine), Salt unassisted, Salt’s FIFTH (Kaitlyn Brusso), and Champine (Brown & Joe Nguyen)…a four goal frenzy to put Pink down a touchdown with less than a minute to play. Don Tran (23/24) was not completely untested at his end, but only a last gasp effort from Mason LaGrossa at 0:25 (Gordon Schmidt) kept him from a clean slate…but of course did no real good in the 7-1 Purple pile on. Nick Vacchio (27/34) continues to suffer the slings and arrows of being the last line of defense on a very bad team, but even a great day for an all time great goalie would have fallen short when one last minute goal is all your team can muster. Now at 1-5-0, it’s no longer a matter of ‘if’, but ‘when’ Pink will officially eliminated from playoff contention. The win propels Purple to 3-2-0, on the right side of .500, and still in the thick of the playoff pack as they make the turn into the second half of their schedule.

Week Eight saved the best game for last, as a tense, tight tilt between Orange and Red kept the pattern of thriller-thumping-thriller-thumping-thriller intact. At 3-0-2, Captain Joel Gattey’s Red was really starting to show the swagger of a Cup lock, while Captain Byran Ossa’s 1-2-1 Orange came in still in search of a consistent winning formula. It’s hard to concoct any formula, much less a winning one without some key ingredients, and Orange would once again find themselves lacking the not-so-secret sauce that is David Schlatter. Captain Ossa was also elsewhere in this one, but Orange drew some consolation and confidence from the absence of Alexis ‘Absence King’ DaCosta and Sean Kelly at the other end. A scoreless first was also a shotless first for Orange, with bored-to-tears fill-in, Don Tran, looking on as Nick Meglich stopped all seven shots he faced. Rob Gaudio found twine behind a startled-awake Tran with one of Orange’s five shots in the second (Jess MacKinnon & Mostafa Azab) at 7:18, but Wendy Enright responded at 6:06 (Nick Vacchio) to restore balance through two. It was an eerily similar pattern in the third, with Gaudio’s second coming at 7:19 (Azab), and Trevor Vick’s response (Tim Vick) coming at 5:29, to knot the score at 2-2, where it would stay. Meglich (25/27) was his typical yeoman self in helping to wrest a point away from the league’s big bad wolf, while Tran (10/12) did a perfectly adequate Sean Kelly impression to keep Red undefeated at 4-0-2. Orange will look to climb away from the cut line in Week Nine, with a scuffling, attendance nightmare Teal in town, while Red look to preserve their pristine L column, and keep circling challengers at bay against Brown.

Dead Or Olive

‘Olive’ is just ‘Evil O’ backwards…food for thought, especially if you’re pitted (see what I did there) against Captain Copp’s crew, who continue to kill it at 3-0-1. They got away with their latest lethal laceration in spite of the absence of Soar and Silas…scary!

Captain Ryan Karns’ ‘Wirt-Collar Crime’ limped into Week Seven play with a 1-3-0 record, and TEN of their fourteen goals coming in their lone victory, a wild Week Four overkill ownage of Orange. Captain Kyle Prior’s Brown rolled in with the opposite record, but also with the knowledge that the scheduling and attendance gods had smiled on them to that point in the season, particularly in their Week Five trouncing of a taped-together Teal roster with no subs and even less sizzle. Attendance is a fickle mistress, however, and a rendezvous with a mistress sometimes leads to unwanted results. With Zach Salt and Shawna Hamon out of action, it would be down to a quality sub (thank you, Jess), and the rest of Brown’s roster to scrape enough skill and stamina together to outlast a good team with a bad record. Jim Peters notched his first career SDFHL goal (CONGRATULATIONS, Jim!) tucking home a backdoor pass/shot from Mark DeGraffenreid to give Brown the early edge, and super sub, Nick Meglich, held White off the board in spite of facing thrice as many shots as his counterpart (15-5 edge in White’s favor through one). Carl Vankoughnett finally broke through for White on the penalty kill (Josh Wirt), and Kevin Dinino (Karns) sandwiched his third of the season between trips to the box for high-sticking and slashing to give White the one goal edge through two periods of play. Chuck Russell returned the short-handed favor at 3:13 in the third (DeGraffenreid), and with Matt Henderson shaken up on the play, there were thoughts that a stand-in would need to stand in to finish out the game. Henderson would shake it off and stand tall the rest of the way, though…a rest of the way that included a game-winning Wirt wrister at 1:33 (‘The Ryans’™…Karns and Owen)….White over Brown, 3-2. The win is a big one for White, who move out of cutline country and into the middle of the pack at 2-3-0. Matt Henderson (20/22) can ice his shoulder with a winning smile on his face, while Nick Meglich (26/29) was studly as ever in the losing effort in lieu of Cory Brin. The loss knocks Brown off their pursuit of a top spot in the standings, but at 3-2-0, they are still well in the playoff mix as they make the turn into the truly tough part of their schedule (Black/Red/Purple). Fun fact…and don’t look now…actually, do look now, as I am sure it will change this week…with two assists in this loss, Mark DeGraffenreid (yours truly) remains your points leader at the halfway point in the season!

On paper, our cover team, Olive, looks fairly ordinary…at least to these old, cobwebby eyes. ‘The Silencer’ has certainly staked a solid claim to ‘best in the business’, Dan Soar and Jon Zygelman are proven (though, not ‘premier’) point producers, and the rest of the cast is solid, but my preseason predictions would have had this team closer to struggle bus then armored tank. With both Soar and Silas out of the lineup to face Orange, SURELY the first loss of the season would land on Captain Jeremy Copp & Company…right? Wrong….and don’t call me Shirley. Zygelman put Olive on top very early (Hima Joshi), and the confusion and controversy surrounding the goal would not keep it off the board. Aaron Cooney’s second of the season even earlier in the second (Christopher Fiore) doubled Olive’s advantage, and Zygelman’s second of the game (Cooney) came without controversy, and gave Olive a 3-0 lead. A Schlatter-less Orange (speaking of notable absences) finally found their scoring form with 0:05 remaining in the middle stanza, with Mostafa Azab making good on a Jess MacKinnon feed….her first career SDFHL point (CONGRATULATIONS, Jess!). Weston Nawrocki kept the teeth clenched and sweat flowing on both sides, cutting the lead to one at 3:44 (Azab and Rob Gaudio), but pseudo-Silas, Ian Crooks (14/16), and Olive would hold on for the 3-2 win to remain undefeated at 3-0-1. Nick Meglich (24/27) suffered his second loss of the night, but this one actually counts towards his numbers, which remain really good at 1-1-0/.942/2.00. Now at 1-2-1, Orange are JUST above the cutline, but really in need of some positive midseason momentum. The bad news…they face 4-0-1 Red this Sunday. Olive will look to keep their loss column spotless against a resurgent Grey side who have won two of their last three.

The marquee Week Seven matchup between Black and Red lived up to the ‘tough, tight, and thrilling’ billing. Captain Joel Gattey’s Red knew nothing but winning coming in, while Captain John Boddy’s Black had split points once in their first three outings, and hoped for at least a point and a renewed zero in the loss ledger against the early season frontrunners. Rookie sensation, Brendan Jew, kicked off the scoring for Black with his first career SDFHL goal (CONGRATULATIONS, Brendan!) with the lone assist belonging to Mark Scelfo (pronounced SKELL-fo…now you know). Geoff Downes made it 2-0 in favor of Black later in the first (Bao Nguyen and Captain Boddy), and it was starting to look like a third Meglich loss of the night would be the first loss of the season for Red. Jordan Pynn took matters into his own super skilled hands in the second, careening coast to coast to cash in with a sick strike to cut the lead in half, and Tim Vick followed later in the period to even the score (Nick Vacchio and Captain Gattey) heading into the final frame. Vacchio’s powerplay punch (Gattey and Trevor Vick) had Red all the way back in the driver’s seat with 7:10 to play, but Captain Boddy answered just twenty seconds later (Dan Jurgens) to knot things at three apiece. The clock carried the day from there, as Nick Meglich (20/23) would hold the line for Red in Sean Kelly’s stead (and avoid a personal third loss on the night), and Ryan Loughran (13/16) would keep both himself and Black lossless for at least another week with a strong effort in the 3-3 thriller. Black face an intriguing challenge in Brown in Week Eight, while Red will look to regain their winning ways against an up and down Orange.

If Red v Black was the marquee Week Seven matchup, Teal v Pink was the bathroom stall graffiti game of the night. Captain Janine Ulloa’s ‘Tranthers’ came into the contest as the lone un-feated team, while (new, replacement) Captain Zach Siemer and Teal had only just slipped off the schneid with a shocking 6-3 grilling of Grey the Sunday prior. Needless to say, both teams were in rather immediate need of a batch of better results, and stepping on the shoulders of another cellar dweller is the ideal way to climb out of a woeful hole. It’s hard to step anywhere with a ruptured Achilles, and Teal’s tender tendon this season has been attendance. Without Chris Malki, Luke Wolmer, and Will Heinl in the lineup, Pink was presented with a platinum opportunity to prevail on a proverbial platter. The first period passed without a point, but Teal’s tired legs started to show in the second, and Pink’s peckish offense started to produce. John Gamm’s first of the season came courtesy of Matthew Ulloa’s first assist, and Mason LaGrossa gave Pink just their second two-goal lead in five games later in the period. Jim LaGrossa matched his son’s goal with one of his own midway through the third (from said son and Gordon Schmidt), and would later add an empty-netter (once again, from Mason) to seal the deal on the first W of the season for Pink, 4-1. Captain Siemer served up the only resistance in a futile fight (Joe Malki and Justin Ker), and Chuck Bender (14/17) and Teal dropped to 1-4-0 with the loss, now officially dead last in the league going into their bye week. Nick Vacchio, rich with wins as a member of Red, finally felt the joy of victory in nets with a smooth 17/18 showing. A win is nice, but Pink are FAR from out of the woods at 1-4-0, themselves. They will need to upset a rested 2-2-0 Purple side this Sunday to bring any real sense of hope to their situation.

The nightcap saw two hungry teams looking to stay alive in the playoff hunt at the midseason mark, with Captain Chad Goins’ 1-2-1 Grey facing Captain Jeannine Stuzka’s 1-2-0 Gold. Both teams were looking to bounce back from a Week Six loss, but Grey had perhaps a bit of additional motivation to prove that their 6-3 loss to previously-winless Teal would not define the rest of their season. At the risk of sounding like the most broken of records, attendance is a big factor in this league. Captain Stuzka’s team has been without vaunted veteran netminder, Chris Tran, all season long, and would have to hope that Zach Siemer (essentially an ’emergency’ sub) could hold off Grey’s attack, while their own offense could find a way to start and run without its engine (Brennen Abel). The good news for Gold…Grey would be without Kyle Snyder, Rob Lavigne, and Jeff Henderson in this one, making the odds making on this one hazy, at best. Enter Vance Morra, whose quiet, unassuming manner allows him to fly well below most opponent’s radar. Morra was flying high in this one from the start, racking up a natural hat trick in the first period to give Grey a commanding 3-0 lead. Eric Willard and Captain Chad Goins assisted on the first goal, but the other two were unassisted ‘radar schmadar’ strikes from the sneaky skilled vet. Tom Darlington made it 4-0 on the powerplay in the second, and Willard (Justin Stege and Janice Darlington) and Captain Goins (Morra) rounded out the scoring in a 6-0 statement body slam for Grey. Morra captured POTW honors with the 3-1 display, and Chuck Bender (16/16) recorded a shutout in Jon Cima’s shoes to improve Grey to a healthy 2-2-1. Zach Siemer’s rough night with his native Teal was not helped by the lopsided loss, but his 27/33 could have been 32/33 and it wouldn’t have mattered to an anemic, incap-Abel Gold. Captain Stuzka’s crew take on White this Sunday in what has to be considered a crucial contest for the cutline dwellers. Grey face a tough challenge in undefeated Olive, but an upset win will have them very comfortable going into the playoff home stretch.

Holmes Stand

Captain Kyle Prior and ‘No Shit, Sherlock’ have peeked through some key holes in the lineups of their last two opponents, and have kept themselves within striking distance of the peak spot in the standings at 3-1-0 as the investigation at 4S Manor enters a fifth week…

Our cover team hit the court first in Week Six, hoping to parlay the momentum of a 7-0 beatdown of a barely-there Teal into back-to-back wins, and a bit more security in the top half of the standings. I want to give Brown some credit for being a good, solid team, but wins over two winless/woeful sides (Pink and Teal), and a loss to Olive in their only challenging challenge coming in had me (and any rational pundit) reserving judgment. While not a completely skeletal crew, Captain Jeannine Stuzka’s Gold was certainly missing some key pieces (most notably, Ty Pereira and Alan Razoky), providing another break for Brown’s perfect attendance posse to exploit. A scoreless first ground past, but Brown remained on the front foot, already leveraging the manpower advantage to a 12-3 edge in shots. That shooting edge was sharpened to razor quality in the second, with Brown producing TWENTY-ONE (!) salvos to another mere trio of Gold offerings. One of those Brown shots finally found a home behind an out-of-his-fucking-mind-feeling-it super sub, Nick Meglich, with Zach Salt tucking home his own rebound on a nifty fast break play facilitated by Mark DeGraffenreid and Robert Pietropaula. There is no doubt that Meglich was the best player in this game, keeping a team that was outshot 33-6 through two very much alive going into the final ten minutes of play. Andy Strathman brushed home a backhand at close range to give Brown some breathing room (from Tony Thinh) at 6:32 in the third, but it still felt at that point like Gold could make their way back. It was a (very) rare Strathman error that made it feel even more like a Gold shocker was in the making, with the stalwart defender fumbling a ball away to Brennan Abel, who made no mistake with the unexpected gift. Cory Brin (12/13) and Brown would hold on, though, surviving the late scare and a for-the-ages 41/43 Meglich performance to cash in the 2-1 win and improve to 3-1. The loss drops Gold to 1-2-0, smack in the middle of the cut line quagmire (giggity) with an important showdown with Grey looming this Sunday.

A catastrophic dearth of personnel sank Teal to 0-3-0 in Week Five, and with Captain Leah Gonzales forced to transfer power to Zach Siemer after breaking her thumb, it was really beginning to look like Teal was cursed…or at least destined to fail. We may be reflecting on Week Six as the turning point in this sad Teal tale though, as the roster reappeared against a hit-or-miss Grey side, and brought the previously AWOL offense with it. Joe Malki soloed a strike at 6:46 in the first, then followed with a second at 1:29 (from Chris Malki and Luke Wolmer) to match Teal’s entire offensive output to that point in the season (!), and finally give the troubled side something to celebrate. Justin Ker opened the second with his first of the season to make it 3-0, and Chris Malki pumped the edge to four (from Wolmer and Elyse Shattuck) minutes later. Kyle Snyder finally produced an answer for Grey on the power play, but Trice Harvey restored the four goal edge for Teal (from Ker) less than thirty seconds later. A pair of goals within one minute of each other for Grey (Vance Morra from Eric Willard and Snyder, then Willard from Janice Darlington) had Grey back in the fray midway through the third, but Joe Malki would complete his hat trick with 3:12 remaining, sealing Grey’s fate 6-3, and securing Teal’s first win of the season. Chuck Bender (15/18) earned his first win of the season (for his actual team, anyway), while Ryan Loughran (18/24) suffered another sour sub stint, this time in lieu of Jon Cima. Now sitting at 1-2-1, Captain Chad Goins and Grey are only slightly safer than (new) Captain Zach Siemer’s 1-3-0 Teal. As the scheduling fates would have it, both teams faceoff against teams in similar predicaments this week, with Grey taking on 1-2-0 Gold, and Teal licking their newly-blood-stained chops over a date with 0-4-0 Pink. So, more ‘turning points’ in store this Sunday, that’s for sure…

Captain John Boddy’s Black rolled into Week Six undefeated, with the asterisk on that adjective being a lack of ‘convincing’, let alone ‘dominant’ wins. A 2-1 squeak past Teal (in which Black was outshot nearly 2:1), and a 1-1 tie with a tough Olive side had SDFHL pundits waiting for the other shoe to drop…that shoe being Captain Boddy’s proven penchant for punishing performances. The metaphorical footwear, while not quite as heavy as we have come to expect, did indeed drop on Captain Ryan Karns’ White, with Boddy’s 2 and 1 pacing his team to a big 6-1 Black win . Josh Wirt actually put White in front first, completing a connection from Carl Vankoughnett and Mark Nagy early in the second, but Boddy evened the score later in the frame (from Dan Jurgens Sadie Hellstrom). A rare (and timely) goal for Bao Nguyen put Black on top exactly thirty ticks later, and Geoff Downes (from Brendan Jew) completed a series of three goals in 1:14 to give Black a 3-1 lead going into the third. Boddy’s second of the game (Downes and Jurgens) sparked more scoring for Black in the late going, with Hellstrom converting on the powerplay (Boddy and Jurgens), and a Jurgens solo effort serving as the the last line in a lopsided ledger. In spite of some struggles in the sub realm, Ryan Loughran (16/17) continued to sparkle for his actual team, pushing both his personal record and his team’s to 2-0-1 with the win. Black will put their undefeated record to the ultimate test in Week Seven against 4-0-0 Red, while White hope to rebound against 3-1-0 Brown.

Captain Janine Ulloa and Pink came into Week Six with an eerily similar back story to Teal, and certainly hoped to write an equally happy new chapter, now desperate for a win at 0-3-0, coming in. Ulloa…also injured and out indefinitely, could lend nothing beyond moral support to her squad as they faced off against a 1-0-1 Olive side (again the similarities between this and the game above are crazy). Outside of the injured Ulloa (for whom Pat Gladstone subbed), both rosters were fully represented, and the first two periods played out as a scoreless stalemate with similar shot totals. If you know your SDFHL history, you know that Silas ‘The Silencer’ Perks often needs just one goal to secure a win for his team, and unfortunately for Pink, that one goal came courtesy of a Jon Zygelman solo effort with 4:46 to play. Nick Vacchio (21/22) was valiant as ever, and very nearly matched Perks’ performance, but could only watch with dismay as an Aaron Cooney (welcome back!) unassisted empty-netter put Olive up 2-0 with 0:33 to play…and 2-0 it would stay. Perks (21/21), as almost always, was THE story in the win, keeping Olive undefeated in spite of rather meager scoring support from his mates to this point (five non-empty-net goals in three games). Captain Copp & Company will look to keep the loss column clean in an intriguing Week Seven matchup with Orange, while Pink face Teal in what has to be regarded as their last real hope to save their sinking season.

‘The J-Hole Express’ stayed on track in Week Six, but Captain Joel Gattey’s 4-0-0 freight train was very nearly derailed by a stingy Purple contingent. Captain Sev Brown’s ‘Plums’ handled their first two opponents of the season with relative ease, dispatching White 3-1, then Grey 5-1, but a Week Five 2-1 loss to Orange (thanks in large part to a monster Meglich effort) proved they were beatable. Of course, Red rolled in with no shortage of proof that they could win, and they had to have a growing sense that the SHOULD win every game. A scoreless first saw neither side realize many quality chances, with both Sean Kelly and Don Tran fitting their expected top tier goalie billing, but Alexis DaCosta finally broke through for Red in the second (from Captain Gattey and Jackson Tomaszewski) to put the pressure on a Jon-Salt-less Purple attack. The third period was merely a scoreless bookend for the lone goal second, meaning that DaCosta’s second of the season would be the only goal scored in a FIFAtacular 1-0 win for Red. Kelly (12/12) collected his fourth win of the season, and looks to be in cruise control so far this spring with a .944/1.00/1 SO line. Don Tran (9/10) suffered his second straight loss while facing less than a dozen shots in each…proof that scoring is usually more about quality than quantity of chances. Purple can rest, regroup, and enjoy a midseason bye week, while Red gear up to face one of only two other undefeated teams in Black this Sunday.

Clueless

While most of our suspects-turned-investigators have picked up at least a clue or two on the trail of President Pope’s killer, and while some are really racking up the leads, Lady Leah Tealsdale and (fittingly, given the team namesake) Princess Janine diRosa remain completely in the dark through three weeks of mingling and mind melding around 4S Manor. There is plenty of time left to turn over some traces, but much more of the o-fer will find these two colder than the corpse in question…

Captain Ryan Karns and ‘Wirt-Collar Crime’ bounced back from a 3-1 loss in their opener to trounce Orange 10-4 in Week Four. Sample size is everything, but expectations of at least a 5-6 goal output for White’s offense in a second spin for the VW Bus™ (Vankoughnett & Wirt) were simmering (if not bubbling to a boil) in the minds of Karns & Company coming into a game against a winless Grey side featuring one of the league’s most consistently statistically challenged goalies. Captain Chad Goins’ crew had faced the same two opponents as White coming in, having managed just a 3-3 tie with Orange, and having lost in similar fashion to powerhouse Purple. Notching that first win of the season is key to forming a competitive identity, and Grey seemed determined to do just that this time out. Rob LaVigne put Grey in front at 7:55 in the first (Captain Goins & Kyle Snyder), and Snyder doubled the lead at around the same time in the second (Vance Morra). The Bus™ finally made a drive-by appearance for White in the third, with Carl Vankoughnett cutting Grey’s lead in half at 6:39 (Josh Wirt & Mark Nagy), but our POTW, Janice ‘JD’ Darlington answered just thirty-three ticks later to restore the padding for Grey. Mark Nagy kept the game tense and tight to the bitter end, slapping home a Wirt draw win to push White back to within one. Jon Cima (21/23) said (with his play) ‘consistently statistically challenged, my ass!’, flexing his championship pedigree to stick the landing and secure the 3-2 win for Grey. Matt Henderson (16/19) and White dropped to 1-2-0 with the loss, keeping them cuddled up on the cut line, but also just one point behind the ‘main pack’ with lots of hockey left to play.

Nick Meglich is a bad, bad man. After missing the first two games as the last line of defense for Orange, Meglich returned to stop 31/32, drop Purple 2-1, and roll Orange to their first win of the season. Captain Sev Brown’s ‘Plums’ came in boasting two wins, and just two goals against, while Orange struggled through a 0-1-1 start, including a 10-4 drubbing at the hands of White that even quality subs Don Tran and Cory Brin couldn’t soften. Neither Meglich, nor Don Tran would yield in the first, and a solo effort from David Schlatter was all the scoring to be found in the second. Joe Nguyen made good on a powerplay midway through the third (Brusso), and the relentless Purple attack (the final shot totals were 32-11 in their favor) seemed to signal that it was just a matter of time before push came to shove with Purple prevailing. Schlatter proved that numbers do not always add up, snapping home the game-winner for Orange with 1:36 to play (Rob Gaudio & Mostafa Azab). The Megician™ definitely pulled an Orange win out of his hat in his return, moving his team into the safety of the pack of teams with three points through three weeks of play. It’s hard to say that Purple’s loss was a let down, or the result of a lacking of anything in particular, particularly given the shot counts. Sometimes you just have to tip your cap to an incredible performance and go get ’em next time. ‘Next time’ for Purple is red hot Red, the only team with a spotless record at 3-0-0. Orange take their two point coup into their bye week, and hope that The Megician™ has more up his sleeve in a Week Seven showdown with The Silencer™…

Schlatter and Meglich may have bucked the math trend in their game, but most times the numbers do add up. In Teal’s case, those numbers were 5, 0, and 0…five total position players, zero subs, and zero players picked in the first five rounds. Interim/possibly permanent new captain, Zach Siemer, was one of the five in the mix, along with Ian Crooks, Will Heinl, and two female subs (Kaela Martin and Emily Bennington). Captain Kyle Prior’s Brown, meanwhile…near perfect attendance, with only Chuck Russell missing in action as ‘No Shit, Sherlock’ looked to bounce back from a Week Four loss to Olive. The effort and the heart were certainly there for Teal, but it was clear from the opening drop that this one was going to go the way of the team with the subs and the scoring punch. Andy Strathman punched home his first goal of the season to get the ball rolling for Brown at 9:20 in the first (Jim Peters & Mark DeGraffenreid), then Maureen Ruchhoeft (Zach Salt & DeGraffenreid), and Shawna Hamon (Salt) clicked Brown into a comfortable lead heading into the second. New comer, Tony Thinh, made his first contribution to his foster team (from Ruchhoeft & DeGraffenreid), then Salt converted another Ruchhoeft feed into pay dirt, and DeGraffenreid finished a two on none breakaway, tucking home Salt’s sauce to make it 6-0 going into the second break. The third period was quite quiet, with just one goal recorded (DeGraffenreid finishing a breakaway chance created by a Thinh outlet), and this one would mercifully wrap…7-0, Brown over a barely-there Teal. Cory Brin (8/8) was tested once or twice, but faced little in the way of quality chances as the game wore on, as you would expect. Teal will need to fix their attendance issues ASAP if they have any hope of surviving. Siemer, Heinl, and Bender are the ONLY three Teal players to have played in all three games, thus far, and four players (including their injured captain, Leah Gonzales) have missed two of the three games out of the gate. Again, numbers usually add up, and a 60% attendance rate and two team goals in three games absolutely equals zero points in the standings.

The evening slate shifted back to proper parity in the penultimate pairing, with two 1-0-0 teams in the form of Black and Olive squaring off. Captain John Boddy was out of the lineup for Black, which is akin to ‘the engine is out of the car’, given the fear that his skills and stats strike in opponents. Still, plenty of pep and punch in the rest of that Black lineup, and they would need all of it to crack Silas ‘The Silencer’ Perks. Captain Jeremy Copp was FINALLY able to make his season debut after missing his team’s 4-2 win over Brown in Week Four, and Geoff Downes was out to spoil the party for the veteran bright and early. Downes (from Dan Jurgens & Mark Scelfo) buried a wrister over Perks’ shoulder from the point just eighteen seconds into play, stunning Olive and onlookers alike. The remainder of the first was scoreless, as was the second, and the clock seemed on Black’s side as it wound past the halfway point in the third. The clock may have been on Black’s side, but Shelby Shattuck wasn’t. She slipped home the game-tying marker with 3:31 left to play to save the day for her Olive, and move both teams to 1-0-1 with a 1-1 tie. Perks (18/19) was impressive as ever, shaking off the early strike to keep his team in position to pull points from there out, while Ryan Loughran (13/14) has only his 1.00 rookie campaign GAA, and a story about ‘almost outdueling The Silencer’ to comfort him in the sister kiss result. Both teams, of course, remain undefeated…now the only two teams outside of 3-0-0 Red who can still make that claim.

Captain Janine Ulloa finds herself in the same sinking boat this season as fellow captain, Leah Gonzales. Actually, both captains are watching their respective sinking boats from the shores of Injury Island, with Ulloa having suffered a rolled ankle, and Gonzales a busted thumb while doing…other things. With a combined record now of 0-6-0, something is going to have to change for these two teams to find themselves playing in July. It never goes well for a wounded animal who limps into the path of a apex predator, and that is the nutshell narrative for the nightcap, as Captain Joel Gattey’s ravenous Red made quick work of Ulloa’s prime pickings Pink. Nick Vacchio would normally be in nets for Pink, but with his two teams clashing, he doffed the goalie gear, donned the Red shirt, and co-starred in another episode of the Vick & Nick Show™ (at his other team’s expense). It was Tim Vick kicking off the scoring with an unassisted effort with just 0:27 to play in the first, then Captain Gattey at 4:35 in the second (from Vacchio), then a Vacchio solo strike less than a minute later to make it 3-0 Red through two. The third period belonged to the Vick boys, with Trevor rattling off a pair of goals (his FOURTH and FIFTH of the season!), then Papa Vick matching junior’s output with his second of the game (from Jackson Tomaszewski). Pink finally broke Sean Kelly’s shutout bid with 2:38 to play…Jim LaGrossa’s second of the season from Steph Palomo-Schmidt and Mason LaGrossa. Kelly (14/15) improved his gaudy numbers so far this season to 3-0-0/.932/1.33, while a tired and tried Ryan Loughran (15/21) was left spinning in his crease in vain in a fill-in effort at the other end. The 6-1 win for Red means that they have now collected every possible clue to this point, while Pink’s 0-3-0 start leaves them quite literally (and headline-appropriately) ‘clueless’. Both teams face a tough challenge in Week Six, with Pink facing off against undefeated Olive, and Red hoping to stay perfect in a showdown with a potent and peeved Purple.

Trained Assassins

Detective Joel Q Redman (AKA Captain Joel Gattey) has all of the cars on his ‘J-Hole Express’ on the rails, and heading in the right direction, full steam ahead. Red’s first two opponents met the same bloody fate (murder, if the other portion of their name bears any basis in reality), and crime has paid off (so far) with Redman & Company chugging along, far from the standings caboose now at 2-0-0…

Week Four (really ‘Week Two’…thanks, Mother Nature) opened with Captain Sev Brown and ‘Professor Salt’s Plums’ facing off against Captain Chad Goins’ as-yet-unnamed creation. It’s probably for the better that Grey is nameless, as namesake Jon Salt and Purple continued to kick ass and take names in their second outing of the season. Salt staked Purple to a lead with an unassisted strike at 2:10 in the first, then served up the primary assist on Joe Nguyen’s game-winner early in the second (second assist to Jason Northrup). Nguyen then returned the favor on Kaitlyn Brusso’s powerplay poke later in the period to plump Purple to a three goal lead going into the third. Salt’s second (and fifth of the young season) came at 5:53 in the final frame (from Steve Linke), and super sub, Pat Gladstone, got in on the act to make it 5-0 with 3:05 to play (from Tyler Winstead). If ever the term ‘too little, too late’ were applicable…Captain Goins finally struck back for Grey with ONE second left in the game (from Vance Morra and Rob LaVigne), which was really just an act of scuffing Don Tran’s shiny shutout shoes. Tran (13/14) may have lost the no-no in heartbreaking fashion, but he has allowed just one goal in each of this first two games, and appears to be in tip top form for a team that is hitting on all cylinders. Jon Cima (10/15) labored through his first loss of the season, but may take comfort in having one of the early season’s most potent offenses out of the way. The 5-1 win leaves Purple one of only two teams at 2-0-0, and they’ll look to improve that record against one of four winless teams (Orange) this Sunday.

The first two periods of the tilt between Orange and White were pretty standard fare. Carl Vankoughnett (from Josh Wirt) got White on the board at 6:50 in the first, Rob Gaudio (from Captain Bryan Ossa and David Schlatter) struck back at 0:46, and Vankoughnett restored White’s edge at 0:21 (from Mark Nagy and Wirt). Nagy grew White’s lead at 7:29 in the second (from Dinino), and Captain Ryan Karns made it 4-1 in his team’s favor going into the final period of play (from Pat Gladstone and Vankoughnett). So…five goals in two periods…nothing crazy…just your average SDFHL game…probably destined for something like a 5-2 final…NOPE. NINE more goals came crashing through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man on crack in the final frame, leaving the scorer hospitalized with (what we are told is) a terminal wrist sprain (RIP, LaVigne), and setting what absolutely has to be a never-to-be-beaten league record for downright offensive offensive onslaught. I don’t want to be buried with LaVigne, so I am going straight laundry list here, folks:

WHITE: Josh Wirt (Carl Vankoughnett and Ryan Karns)

WHITE: Josh Wirt (Arnold Gonzales)

ORANGE: David Schlatter (Weston Nawrocki and Rob Gaudio)

ORANGE: David Schlatter

WHITE: Kevin Dinino (Ramsey Ksar and Mark Nagy)

WHITE: Josh Wirt (Ryan Karns)

ORANGE: Erin Plone (David Schlatter and Rob Gaduio)

WHITE: Ramsey Ksar (Ryan Owen)

WHITE: Josh Wirt (Carl Vankoughnett)

Yeah…all of that happened…in one period. You may have also noted that Josh Wirt dropped FOUR goals on Orange in the climax of chaos, leading the chaotic charge for White is his season debut with a 4 and 2 effort. The 10-4 (good buddy) final, while surely a once in an eclipse year anomaly, may still send shivers down the spines of White’s future opponents. Vankoughnett’s 2 and 3 night has him in lock step with the leaders on the points board, and the ‘VW Bus’ of Vankoughnett/Wirt is clearly not something you want to stand in front of…

Captain Jeremy Copp’s ‘Olive Us Are Suspects’ made their VERY long awaited season debut following a rainout, rainout, bye week torture tease three week span. Captain Copp has actually STILL yet to play a game this season, as he was out of town while his mates faced off with Captain Kyle Prior’s Brown. Zach Salt had Brown out of the blocks first, converting a quick Mark DeGraffenreid dish into an even quicker shot to beat Silas ‘The Silencer’ Perks. Christopher Fiore (from Brandon Olsen) and Dan Soar (from Hima Joshi) turned Olive’s frown upside down in the second, but Salt (from a sweet Shawna Hamon feed) leveled things for Brown again with just 0:33 to play in the middle frame. It was more Fiore and Soar in the third, with Chris slapping home a long range game-winner (from Soar and Perks), and Soar adding empty net insurance and quelling a late Brown push. Perks (20/22) proved once again why he is the best in the business, but it was Fiore and Soar rightfully claiming two of three stars of the week in an impressive 4-2 Olive debut coup. Cory Brin (13/16) suffered the loss in his first action of the season…that is, if you don’t count the action he saw in relief of sub Don Tran for Orange in that 10-4 bloodbath. Brown will look to bounce back this week with the help of Tony Thinh, who is stepping in to replace the injured Ash Wadhwa for the remainder of the season.

Our cover team was up next, with Captain Joel Gattey’s ‘Murder On The J-Hole Express’ staying on track with another convincing early season win. Chris Malki actually put his team on the front foot first, but unfortunately for Captain Leah Gonzales & Company, it would be the first and only goal for Teal for the second straight week to start the season. Even more unfortunate for Gonzales…she broke her thumb in ‘the mistress league’, and may well be out for the season. I will let you all draw your own conclusions from that short story on what not to do if you want to enjoy a happy, healthy SDFHL season/career. Meanwhile, Trevor ‘F*CKING’ Vick…the force is strong with this one. The teenaged rookie sensation, who was born when most of us had long-since graduated college, was at it again for Red in his second career game. His first of the game evened the tide in the first (from Papa Tim Vick and Captain Gattey), and his solo effort second early in the second would hold up as the game-winner. He went on to add a second assist on Wendy Enright’s powerplay conversion late in the second (Papa Vick with the primary), and Nick Vacchio made sure things were well out of reach with his third of the season early in the third (from Alexis DaCosta and Jordan Pynn). Sean Kelly (25/26) rightfully commands a good deal of the credit for Red’s success, posting ho-hum heroic numbers again so far this season, but the ‘Vick & Nick’ attack is (or should be) an eyebrow raiser for all future opponents, as well. The 4-1 loss is more bad news for Teal, who now turn to surrogate skipper, Zach Siemer, to turn a winless season around. Worse news…Teal will barely have enough bodies to field a team against a bolstered. bloodthirsty Brown in Week Five…

The late game was the only nailbiter on offer in Week Four, as Pink and Gold battled it out under the lights to cap the night. Mason LaGrossa took the youth movement baton from Trevor Vick, slotting home his second of the season late in the first (from Josh Tran) to give Captain Janine Ulloa’s creation a leg up. Speaking of legs…Ulloa would injure hers (her ankle, specifically) in (take a wild stab…go on)…the mistress league (!), leaving her on the sidelines with fellow captain, Leah Gonzales, powerless to help her team with anything more than shouts of encouragement. Josh Tran cashed in early in the second to give Pink a 2-0 lead, but Gold would climb back into the fray as the clock wound down towards the second intermission. Brennan Abel (part of the OLD youth movement in our league) broke the scoring seal for Gold at 2:35 in the second (from Greg Francisco and Captain Jeannine Stuzka), and Wendy Enright (I feel like she played in every game, this week) drew Gold level with an unassisted super sub strike with just 0:16 in the period. It was Abel again with the game-winner (from Harsh Wanigaratne)…the lone goal for either team in a tight third to lead Gold to a 3-2 comeback win and even their record at 1-1-0. Speaking of playing multiple games, Sean Kelly (23/24) turned up in the three stars again in this one, sparkling in a sub role for Chris Tran. Nick Vacchio (23/26) dropped to 0-2-0 in nets for Pink, but can take solace in his steady contribution to Red’s 2-0-0 start.