On Track

I am recycling the cover photo from the second week of regular season play to commemorate the fact that Captain Joel Gattey’s ‘Murder On The J-Hole Express’ have rattled past ‘No Shit Sherlock’ station, and are chugging on to the Final stop. Red now enjoy a bye week, and await the survivor of a ménage à mort this Sunday (Olive v White, with the winner taking on Brown). It’s hard to derail the team that wins their way into the Final first, but the term ‘trainwreck’ exists for a reason…

The big Winners Bracket showdown was first up on the Week Three playoff docket, and I’ll just pretend you missed the box score that was posted on Monday, and the headline above, and keep you in rapt suspense while I regale you with the details of the battle between Captain Joel Gattey’s Red and Captain Kyle Prior’s Brown. The spoils of regular season success rendered Red’s playoff resume rather pedestrian coming in, with ho-hum wins over #7 Purple and #6 White, while Brown was still swelling with confidence after escaping with an overtime win over #5 Grey, then handing #1 Olive their very first loss…ever. Brown had a more empirical reason to believe they could beat Red, having bested them 3-1 in Week Nine of the regular season, while Red hoped that two key missing players in that first meeting (Alexis DaCosta and Tim Vick) would be difference makers in the rematch. It was Red on the front foot first, with a strange medium range Jackson Tomaszewski wrister somehow finding a path through sticks and legs and into the back of the net behind Cory Brin at 7:12 in the first. Alexis DaCosta, one of the aforementioned ‘key missing players’ when these teams first met, indeed made his ‘key’ presence felt, accounting for Red’s second goal at 8:56 in the second (Craig Russell), then padding the lead to three with his second of the game at 7:48 in the third (Joel Gattey). A goal is a goal is a goal, but with two of the three Red tallies rating VERY far from ‘museum quality’, Brown felt the convergence of tough luck frustration in their end, and the flummoxing futility that comes with trying to solve Sean Kelly at the other. Mark DeGraffenreid finally did just that just sixteen seconds after the second DaCosta conversion (Chuck Russell & Maureen Ruchhoeft), but that would be the only blemish on another sparkling Kelly slate (27/28), as Red held back Brown’s desperate late push to lock down the 3-1 win and punch their ticket to the promised land. Brin (16/19) suffered the loss in his return from an unplanned kitten rescue mission the week prior, and Brown now find themselves down with the rest of the riffraff in the Losers Bracket. They will take on the winner of Olive v White, while Red enjoy a bye week and await the lone survivor…

The first knockout match of the night came next, with the two lowest remaining seeds squaring off in the form of Captain Ryan Karns’ White, and Captain Leah Gonzales’ Teal. You read that correctly…Teal’s OG ‘Lady Tealsdale’ was finally back in action after missing all but ONE of her team’s games to date. While it seemed unlikely that her return itself would be enough to inspire the bottom seeds to victory over a tough and determined White side, fans were hopeful that they would be treated to a the kind of thriller that the first meeting produced. I’m certain it’s a repressed memory by now for those in the Teal ranks, but White rallied from 0-2 down in the third period to stun Teal back in Week Ten, with the game-winner coming with just 0:42 remaining. That…is…brutal. It was White who found themselves up 2-0 in this one, with Carl Vankoughnett doing the honors on both counts (the first from Kevin Dinino at 3:45, and the second from Kerri Sevenbergen and Arnold Gonzales at 2:57). Teal would fashion their own two goal rebound this time around, with Justin Ker converting a Chris Malki helper at 2:29, and…yes, folks…Captain Leah Gonzales making her return triumphant, indeed, with a very pretty equalizer (from Joe Malki) to knot the score at twos going into the second. Vankoughnett was sent off at 2:26 in the second for a rather vicious slash, but Teal proved powerless on the powerplay, surrendering a (rather spectacular) short-handed end-to-end gut punch from Josh Wirt (Captain Karns). Joe Malki drew Teal back level with a solo effort early in the third, and the scene was set for another tense, thrilling sprint to the tape for these two rivals. Nope…it was actually extremely anticlimactic. Three goals in LESS THAN A MINUTE…Dinino from Wirt and Mark Nagy, Vankoughnett’s hat trick capper from Nagy and Dinino, and a solo second of the game from Josh Wirt broke the game wide open for White, and a rocking and reeling Teal would never recover. Perhaps my most loyal front page reader, Matt Henderson (20/23), secured the must-win win for White, while Chuck Bender (16/21) and Teal backed out the playoff door they backed in with the 6-3 loss. White now boast the heaviest playoff scoring hammer with ten goals over three games, but their next opponent, Olive, happens to feature a hammer-proof pipesmith in the form of Silas ‘The Silencer™’ Perks. It’s an intriguing matchup, and whoever survives will face a rested and ready Brown for the right to throw down with Red in the Final.

Captain John Boddy was not in the lineup when his Black band took on Olive in Week Five of the regular season, but an early Geoff Downes Silencer Shocker™ had his team well in line for what (in hindsight) would have been one of the most courageous coups of the season. Instead, Shelby Shattuck tied that game with 3:31 to play, and the teams would shake hands after a 1-1 draw. At season’s end, Black would count themselves among the ‘lucky few’ to nick even a point from Olive, finding themselves in the cozy company of just three teams to manage the feat. Captain Boddy was back for the big rematch, but Dan Jurgens, Marc Lapointe, and Ryan Loughran were out, and while Shattuck was not available to reprise her heroine role, Olive’s leading scorer, Aaron Cooney, was set to make his debut in the second game of this season series. Momentum can be a powerful force, and Black was banking on it paying dividends for them in their second straight do-or-die match. Their 4-0 elimination of Purple restored their spunk and spirit after a disappointing opening loss to White, and the emotional return of Bao Nguyen to the lineup had oddsmakers leaning towards an inspired upset. Perhaps no team was more upset coming into the week than Olive, having suffered their one and only loss to date to Brown the Sunday prior. No one knew how Olive would rebound from a loss, but we were all about to find out. Black came out firing, racking up nine first period shots to Olive’s two, but the top seeds are no strangers to being grossly outshot, and Jason Lee found fortune in one of those two shots to put the favorites in front 1-0 at the 1:20 mark (from Jon Zygelman). The lopsided shot totals hit laughable levels in the second, with Black blasting EIGHTEEN at Perks and Olive mustering just another pair in response. A 27-4 shot advantage in the first two periods of a game would normally translate to at least a three or four goal lead, but Perks is just on another planet. Sean Bathgate did manage to solve the Silencer™ at 4:48 (Brendan Jew & Geoff Downes), with what I was not remotely surprised to hear was a very quick and very precise snipe. So, one goal a piece going into the final fray, with Black swarming and mounting pressure, but Perks putting the ‘live’ in Olive, as always. I can hear the echo of Black hearts breaking as I type, but after dominating Olive for two full periods, Jon Zygelman scored at 9:20 to put the top seeds back on top (Chris Fiore). With any other goalie, a 2-1 deficit is not a death sentence, but the knowledge that two goals past Perks had happened just TWICE to that point in the season (both courtesy of Brown), and knowing that a tie game would only extend the match to an unwinnable shootout…this goal was devastating for Black. The shot totals were relatively even in the third, as Olive entered into protect mode to preserve their slender but sturdy lead. The clock wound down to crunch time, and Black’s final push produced nothing but two empty net goals for their opponent (Zygelman and Lee), drawing the shroud over Black’s playoff corpse, 4-1. Olive move on to face White, with the hopes (nay, expectation) that they will then have a chance to avenge their only loss in thirteen games in the Losers Bracket finale against Brown. It’s VERY hard to bet against Perks, but anything can happen in playoff hockey…

Olive & Let Die

Captain Jeremy Copp’s ‘Olive Us Are Suspects’ came into their Playoff Week Two meeting with Brown with zero losses in eleven outings, but now (as the harsh playoff world would have it) find themselves in the ‘Losers’ Bracket after a tough 2-1 loss. Playoff hockey is a cruel mistress…one who will stab you in the back just when you think it’s safe to roll over, drift off to sleep, and continue dreaming of Cup glory…

Captain Chad Goins’ Grey had a very uneven season, mixing some rather dominant wins (over (mostly) bad teams) with ties, or tough losses to top teams. The one standout result in their regular season run was a 6-3 Week Six loss to a (very) lowly Teal side who came into that match at 0-3-0, having been outscored 13-2 to that point in the season. That win for Teal was vital for their playoff passage, but honestly did more damage to Grey’s swagger than their standings safety. Playoff losses hurt, though…and sometimes they kill. Grey was primed for revenge against Captain Zach Siemer’s Teal, but alas, they were merely revanquished, instead. A scoreless first saw Teal on the front foot, carrying a 12-7 shot advantage, and generally basking in the glow of much-better-than-Teal-average attendance (Joe Malki, Chris Malki, Luke Wolmer, and Justin Ker (!) all present and accounted for). It was Ker who would strike first, converting a Wolmer feed at 8:32 in the second, then Wolmer on the penalty kill at 4:28 to give the ‘underdogs’ a two goal edge. Chris Malki added a late period dagger (Wolmer & Elyse Shattuck) giving Teal a three goal advantage that iced the towering cake of confidence their dominance over Grey had baked over five periods of play. Captain Siemer made absolutely sure a late comeback was not in the offing, notching his first of the playoffs (Trice Harvey & Joe Malki) to bring the final line to 4-0, Teal over Grey. Chuck Bender (18/18) earned second star honors for his shutdown stint, while Jon Cima (25/29) and Grey backed out of the playoffs as the first ‘two and done’ discard. The big news in the Teal camp is the return of OG captain, Leah Gonzales. Gonzales suffered a thumb injury that required surgery back in mid-April, but her mates kept the Teal ship afloat long enough for her to swim back and climb aboard. So…Captain Gonzales & Company will be taking on White in another elimination match this Sunday. The two teams met back in Week Ten, with White rallying from two goals down to a 3-2 win…with all three goals coming in the final period…and the game-winner coming with 0:42 to play…ouch.

The Losers Bracket is the road to redemption for some, and a playoff offramp for others. Both Captain John Boddy’s Black and Captain Sev Brown’s Purple rolled into their elimination showdown with the hope (and maybe even the expectation) that they would stay on ‘the road’, and watch their opponent take ‘the ramp’. I interrupt this recap to mention that Steven P Linke’s BIRTHDAY fell just three days prior to this match on July 11th…a fact he wanted to be sure saw mention on the front page because ‘I definitely want to make a big deal of it’. So, Purple had perhaps a bit of extra ‘inspo’ (as the kids say (?)) to avenge their 5-3 Week Nine loss to Black….keeping the birthday boy in good spirits on his special weekend. Black had no such extra incentive…they just wanted to hold serve against a lower seed and continue along their path back to the promised land. The first was quiet for both sides, and while Purple held a slight shot advantage (7-5), Black would flip a switch in the first intermission and outshoot their opponent 17-3 over the next two periods of play. The first of those seventeen shots to find twine came off the blade of Captain Boddy (Brendan Jew & Pat Gladstone), and the same players in a different combination accounted for the second successful strike of the second…Jew from Gladstone and Boddy. Number two for Jew (Sean Bathgate) made it 3-0 Black with 2:57 to play, and Sadie Hellstrom netted some empty net insurance with 0:27 to play to close Purple down and out of the playoffs, 4-0. Don Tran (18/21) shouldered a second loss in as many tries, meaning that all that remains in the way of group activities for he and his Purple mates is dinner and drinks on the ‘Clue game’ tab. Ryan Loughran (10/10) earned his first playoff shutout (and win) with a fair amount of credit owing to a lockdown defense (it would seem). Loughran will be out of the lineup when Black take on top-seeded Olive in the late game this Sunday. This matchup produced a 1-1 tie back in Week Five, but as we all know, ties are for businessmen and regular season games…

I don’t refer to the playoffs as ‘the second season’ for nothing. Teams that struggled to find their form in the regular season, or perhaps muddled through attendance or injury issues can often ‘rise up’ when the records are refreshed, and fashion themselves into ‘the new Cup favorites’ in short order. Captain Ryan Karns’ White had designs on tailoring that very trajectory, setting their sights on toppling second-seeded Red as an encore to outlasting third-seeded Black in a thrilling 4-3 opening coup. A win over Red, coupled with an Olive win over Brown, would set up the potential for White to go 3-2-1-FINAL-CUP…the wet dream of any lower seed in the history of sports. Not to carry that analogy to a gross place (but I will), Captain Joel Gattey’s Red was the parent waking White up from that….dream, and while White can still…achieve their goal, they will now have to revert to some good old fashioned imagination and…handy work in the Losers Bracket. For the third straight game to open the Week Two playoff slate, it was a scoreless first period, with Red outshooting White 11-6, but neither team managing a successful strike. Nick Vacchio (having shed his goaltender tether with playoff castoffs, Pink) finally broke through for Red at 4:18 in the second (Tim Vick & Jordan Pynn). The tide of the game remained level, with the shot totals and quality chances evening out, but a Jackson Tomaszewski solo snipe doubled Red’s lead with 5:13 to play. If you have played in this league for at least a season or two, and/or if you ever check the goalie stats, you know that a two goal lead should do the trick if Sean Kelly is patrolling the pipes for your side. Trevor Vick added a ‘just in case’ empty netter with 1:06 to play, and a three goal lead is DEFINITELY sufficient with ‘Da Kid’ on your roster. Kelly (24/24) did indeed hold firm to secure the 3-0 win over White, recording his 125,063rd career shutout, and sending Captain Gattey’s group to within a win of the big dance. Both teams remain alive, with White looking to outshine the only other remaining lower seed in Teal, and Red priming the pump to punch their ticket to the Final in a showdown with Brown.

The Week Two nightcap was billed as the battle of ‘the unstoppable force’ (Brown’s vaunted offense) versus the ‘immovable object’ (Silas ‘The Silencer™’ Perks). Brown’s 42 regular season goals were nine better than the next best team, while Perks & Partners limited opponents to SEVEN FUCKING TOTAL GOALS OVER TEN GAMES (!), half that of the next lowest total (Red)…so gross. The first three games on the night ended in a shutout, and all signs pointed to this one ending in either another shutout, a shootout, or a VERY tight, low scoring result for one team or the other. Life happens sometimes, and when a frantic Cory Brin called to report that a kitten was stuck in his engine compartment, making the drive to the rink impossible, Brown scrambled to enlist the services of White’s Matt Henderson. Brown had Brin and his new furry friend on their minds throughout, with chants like ‘litter box’ and ‘kitten’ breaking each huddle. Mark DeGraffenreid broke the scoreless first period trend, dashing (?) down the right boards, winning a ball battle with Chris Fiore, then cutting into the slot and shoveling a goal over Perks’ left shoulder. The ball was in and out of the net quickly, and while the ‘good goal’ call came with some delay, it did eventually come. Zach Salt provided the assist on that goal, then added one of his own at 5:19 in the second (Andy Strathman) — an equally in-and-out-in-a-flash low laser that Brown was fortunate enough to have counted. Scoring once on Perks has proven VERY difficult this season, but scoring twice is almost unheard of, having happened just once coming in…a two goal losing effort for…you guessed it…Brown. Brown’s two goal lead in this playoff rematch held as the clock wound close to the midway point of the third, and it was beginning to look like this one would be chalked up for ‘the unstoppable force’. Hima Joshi put a pause on that plan with what was easily the prettiest goal I have ever seen her score, and definitely one of the highlight goals for any player this season. Joshi corralled a crossing feed (Dan Soar & Aaron Cooney), then promptly roofed a wrister over a sprawling Matt Henderson to break Brown’s shutout bid and completely shift the ‘vibe’ of the contest. Olive kept the heat on the rest of the way, outshooting Brown 9-2 in the final frame (and 23-12, overall), but Henderson (22/23) and Brown would hold it down to preserve the 2-1 win. It was a happy ending for Brown, who move on to face Red in the Winners Bracket Final, but also a happy ending for Brin and his new little pet/Brown’s new ‘catscot’ (yes, he is keeping the cat). Olive, completely new to the concept of losing, will need to regroup and take care of business against Black this Sunday, or find themselves having lost the last of their nine playoff lives (OK…two lives…but I was going for the cat tie-in there…sue me).

End Game

Well, it looks like the mystery of President Pope’s murder has all been wrapped up in a neat little package…case closed…nothing further to see here. If you missed the news, General Severus Eggplant and his Purple puzzlers snatched a White hot tip off the wire, and pinned the murder on Duchess Jeannine Gold-Diggerton. The Butler confirmed the Duchess did indeed do the deed, doing the President in with ‘repeated balls to the face’ until he succumbed to excessive cranial trauma and collapsed in the crease. The back-slappery in the 4S Manor ballroom was in full swing, with General Eggplant swigging champagne between boastful bursts about his incredible acumen and insight. Purple will have their party, as promised, but here’s what REALLY happened…

Very (VERY) tired of losing (a lot) for many seasons on end, and frustrated with the decline of his skills with his incline in age, President Pope invited eleven esteemed guests and their closest cohorts to 4S Manor for a ‘celebration of all things SDFHL’. While some genuine celebration did take place that first night, that was all just part of the President’s insidious subterfuge. By staging his own murder later that night (with the help of the mysterious ‘Butler’), then arranging for ‘authorities’ to arrive, lock the Manor down, and enlist the help of the guests to ‘solve the case’, Pope was able to keep all involved penned in and preoccupied. The ruse rattled on long enough for Pope to complete ‘Phase One’ of his plan…stealing the Scoring Title, which David Schlatter foolishly (but, predictably) brought with him to show off to his fellows. With the Scoring Title secured (with the help of Zach Salt, who planned to ‘share’ the prized prize with the President), Pope set his sights on The Cup (greed begets greed, after all). By framing Duchess Jeannine Gold-Diggerton for his demise, then staging her own ‘murder’, and the ‘murder’ of two other guests (Baron L’Orange and Princess diRosa) Pope added fuel to the dire (and distracting) fervor already swirling about the Manor. He was (or, perhaps is) inching closer to sticking the landing on ‘Phase Two’ of the plan, but things unraveled quickly after last night’s revelry, as a drunken General Eggplant made his way back to his quarters to pass out, only to stumble to the wrong door (on the wrong floor). After multiple failed, fumbling attempts to turn his key in the lock, he kicked the door down and flopped headlong into…a makeshift jail cell. A bound and gagged trio (Gold-Diggerton, L’Orange, and diRosa) writhed and gag-talked Eggplant into releasing them from their bindings, then immediately relayed the whole saga (the real saga) to the actual authorities. So, in the end, Eggplant did ‘solve the case’, and ‘save the day’ (fittingly in an ‘accidental/pure luck’ sort of way on both counts), and while no one was murdered at all this season, it looks like President Pope may be going away for a while…

While the ‘murder’ investigation was winding to a close, the ‘surviving’ captains rallied their respective troops to battle in the first round of the ‘Closing Games’. This was to be the final piece of (smokescreen) pomp and circumstance in President Pope’s plan to steal The Cup, but with the ulterior artifice stripped away, the participants agreed to just play it out and see what happens. The Games opened with Captain Jeremy Copp’s Olive looking to extend their ten game unbeaten streak into July against Captain Zach Siemer’s scrappy bottom-seeded Teal. The two teams met less than a month prior, with Olive outlasting Teal 2-0, in spite of being outshot by a margin of TWENTY-ONE to FIVE (!). Revenge is a dish best served in the playoffs, and with the ‘safety net’ of a draw no longer an option for Olive, they would need to proceed with caution against a talent-riddled Teal roster. Chris Malki is a big part of that ‘riddle’, and he stunned the favorites with a first period strike (from Joe Malki) to put Teal on top. A scoreless second had the odds-on Cup lock in limbo going into the third, but Hima Joshi brought Copp & Company level with 7:21 to play in regulation (Dan Soar & Aaron Cooney), making it ‘anybody’s game’ as the clock wound toward overtime. Unless you have been under a rock all season, you know that ‘anybody’s game’ really means ‘Silas Perks’ game’. True to form, The Silencer™ not only pushed his team through regulation and overtime without conceding a second (22/23), but drove home the winning dagger for Olive with a 3/4 showing in the shootout. It was Papa Malki again putting Teal in front in the first round, but three straight conversions from Olive’s Jon Zygelman, Dan Soar, and Christopher Fiore meant that the one seed would go on to win this one, 2-1. Chuck Bender (13/14) and Teal can be encouraged by a very solid showing against THE team to beat, but they are now just one beat away from being cast aside with the rest of the playoff dross. If ‘revenge is a dish…’, Captain Chad Goins and Grey are hoping to serve it to Teal in round two, avenging a shocking 6-3 Week Six loss and knocking Teal out of the playoffs in the process. Olive move on to face Captain Kyle Prior’s Brown, whom they bested 4-2 back in Week Four. It’s the late game on a school night, but watching the league’s top offense take on The Silencer™ should be worth the impact to your beauty sleep.

The regular season rumble between Captain Joel Gattey’s Red and Captain Sev Brown’s Purple resulted in a Salt-free 1-0 sneak past the latter by the former. Neither team generated a lot of offensive push (12-10 shots, in Purple’s favor), but you don’t need much offense when you have a living legend in nets in Sean ‘Da Kid’ Kelly. Kelly was (of course…math…duh) perfect in the first meeting, but the rematch would see the return of Jon Salt, and that (of course…math…duh) is an important wrinkle. It was another living legend in the personage of Jordan Pynn who got the party started for Red at 7:43 in the first (from Trevor and Tim Vick), but Salt would answer and equalize just twenty seconds into the second. The tie score didn’t last long at all, as Tim Vick snatched the lead back from Red at 8:05 in the middle stanza (Nick Vacchio & Captain Gattey). Alexis DaCosta, who scored that lone goal in the regular season match, added some (unneeded) insurance later in the second (Pynn), and that would prove to be more than enough for Da Kid (17/18) who stymied Salt & Company the rest of the way to preserve the 3-1 win for Red. Don Tran (14/17) suffered the loss, and suffered from some crazy bad luck, seeing as how Alexis DaCosta actually made it to BOTH the regular season loss and the second season encore (the odds are staggering!). Captain Brown and Purple may have backed their way into a win in the season theme Clue game, but they’ll need to have their game on ‘drive’ against a tough Black side with elimination on the line. Red held serve as the number two seed, and will hope to do the same against sixth-seeded White on the winners’ bracket side.

Black and White…a classic clash of opposites (I think…the whole color spectrum thing confuses me a bit). Opposites or not, the Spring 2024 wearers of said colors comprise two very strong, fun to watch teams, and I for one was looking forward to witnessing it (I wore black and white stripes, so as to remain impartial). Even though Black shellacked White 6-1 in the regular season, and were favorites by all measures, I expected a tight, back and forth contest…and I definitely got it. Black wasted no time getting the guns blazing in the first, with a Dan Jurgens solo effort at 8:43 followed by a Brendan Jew strike at 7:47 (Captain John Boddy & Pat Gladstone). Just when I was beginning to doubt my senses on such things, White staged a late period rally to draw things level. Kevin ‘The Deputy’ Dinino (from Josh Wirt) put White on the board at 1:24, and Wirt knotted the score just 0:38 later (Mark Nagy & Carl Vankoughnett) to clean the slate and restore my faith in my perception of parity. White had the momentum, and were REALLY on the front foot to start the second, as Wirt struck again at 9:44 to give White their first lead. Vankoughnett added an insurance marker (Dinino), and it was insurance that they would indeed need, with Captain Boddy leading a late (but futile) charge with a spectacular solo effort with 1:28 to go. Matt Henderson (17/20), who was out of the lineup for the first meeting, was clearly the missing ingredient for White, who avenged their regular season loss to Black with a courageous 4-3 coup. It should be noted that Black were missing some key players (Bao Nguyen, Geoff Downes, Sadie Hellstom, and Marc ‘Mister Hat Trick’ Lapointe), but Ryan Loughran (13/17) and his mates gave it their all in a short-benched fall. They will look to rebound and stay alive against #7 Purple, while White go from facing #3 to #2 as they take on Red this Sunday.

Captain Kyle Prior and Brown were looking for some redemption against Captain Chad Goins’ Grey in the nightcap. Goins’ group handed Brown a 6-3 loss back on June 30th, with Kyle Snyder carving through a fully-staffed Brown side with sickening ease to the tune of 3 and 1. That result kept the standings race between the two tight to the final week, and while Brown held on to the four seed by a point, this was clearly destined to be a close, hotly contested battle in the middle. The fear of Snyder was that much more profound with defensive anchors Andy Strathman and Tony Thinh out of the lineup, but Grey was without Janet Goins, Captain Chad Goins, Jeff Henderson, Justin Stege, and Tom Darlington. So, Brown had to hope that more game time for Snyder would eventually produce diminishing returns as fatigue set in (if he is capable of fatiguing), and Grey would have to contain the top two scorers on the season (Mark DeGraffenreid and Zach Salt) coming the other way. It was Snyder with the first laugh in the first (from Rob LaVigne and Vance Morra), and the second in the second (LaVigne), leaving Brown feeling like it was ‘déjà vu vu all over again’. Vu part deux it was not to be, as Salt filed Brown’s first response (from Rob Pietropaula), and Chuck Russell (DeGraffenreid and Salt) brought Brown level to close the second. Vance Morra put Grey back in front with 5:53 to play, and time quickly became Brown’s enemy as the final minutes of play ticked away. Pietropaula would save the day for Brown with 1:24 remaining, making his first SDFHL playoff goal one to remember, and giving rise to the second overtime in the opening night slate. Rob LaVigne was sent off at 3:49 after a collision with Salt along the boards, and it took just sixteen ticks on the ensuing powerplay for Salt to make Grey pay. There are weird, fluky goals, and then there is the museum-quality weird, fluky goal that ended this one. An innocent shot from high in the zone just…sort of…found its way into the net though a sea of legs and sticks…just sort of nestled into the twine like a sparrow alighting on its nest. Thankfully for Brown, a ‘nestling sparrow’ is no different than a ‘swooping eagle’ when it comes to overtime goals, and the silly, squeaky Salt shot was the game-winner in the wacky, wild, Kool-Aid style 4-3 Brown win. Cory Brin (16/19) made several acrobatic saves to keep his team close throughout, and Jon Cima (21/25) was solid, but ultimately undone by the OT stunner. Brown now must face the only undefeated team in the tournament in top-seeded Olive, while Grey will look to stay alive on the losers’ bracket side against the team at the other end of the seed spectrum, Teal.

Murder By Numbers

Horrors abound, as two more bodies have been discovered in the dark corners of the 4S Manor grounds. First President Pope, then Duchess Jeannine Gold-Diggerton, and now Baron Bryan L’Orange and Princess Janine diRosa have all met their respective untimely demises at the hands of an assailant (or assailants) who remain at large. While the butler appears to have been cleared as a suspect by authorities, he does (somehow) seem to know more than an innocent man would, or should know. Whispers and hopeful hints are all those who remain alive have to go on, but the sense is that someone will crack this case very soon…or die trying.

Princess Janine diRosa reported several ‘attempts on her life’ over the course of her stay at 4S Manor, but fellow guests were dismissive of her colorful claims, and even authorities lost interest with what appeared to be the ramblings of a paranoid attention seeker. Among the more sensational stories…’ Detective Redman poisoned me, and locked me in the cellar in Week Five!’, ‘General Eggplant nearly bludgeoned me to death in Week Eight!’, and ‘Colonel Chadwick Grey stabbed me eight times with a steak knife in Week Nine!’. If you recall the story of ‘The Boy Who Cried Wolf’, you know that the boy (and all the sheep he tends) are ultimately eaten…by an actual wolf. diRosa & Company needed a win and help to live beyond their latest ‘brush with (playoff) death’, and Jim LaGrossa put them on top 1-0 at 8:35 in the first (Josh Tran), then plumped the lead to two at 7:04 (John Gamm). The ‘White Wolf’ was lurking, though, and the fangs flashed once (Josh Wirt from Dorothy Kline and Kerri Sevenbergen), then again (Mark Nagy from Carl Vankoughnett and Wirt) to erase the edge, and push Pink back to the brink. Vankoughnett added a solo strike at 4:24 to give White their first lead, and send ‘The Tranthers’ into a mad scramble for survival. Josh Tran (from John Gamm) equalized at 2:51, but the panicked Pink press would never find a game-winner, as super sub, Ryan Loughran (33/36) and White held on to preserve the 3-3 tie and send Princess diRosa to the makeshift manor morgue to join President Pope and Duchess Gold-Diggerton. Nick Vacchio (22/25) absorbed the last loss of a listless Pink campaign that seemed hopeless from the outset. It is unclear at this point how investigators intend to handle this gruesome twist. While it is clear that Reverend Ryan Blanco was the last to see diRosa alive, it is possible that her death was the result of aggregate trauma from a series of brutal attacks…perhaps ‘the boy’ was not ‘crying wolf’ after all…

Mister (‘Doctor’) John ‘Black Hat’ Boddy and his cohorts stayed (mostly) out of the shadows of suspicion amid the growing trend of (for lack of a better term) dead ends coming into the final week of the investigation into the murder of President Pope. While some reports had Black Hat ‘skulking about late at night’, and even ‘fleeing the scene of a vicious attack on Reverend Blanco’ in Week Six, the good ‘doctor’ managed to keep a very low profile from week to week, while at the same time maintaining a high position in the ‘body count standings’. Colonel Chadwick Grey and his cadre of cadets had a bit more (alleged) blood on their hands over the course of their stay coming into final Sunday ‘play’, having been accused by both Duchess Gold-Diggerton and Princess diRosa of violent attacks, and also having gotten the considerable better of Professor Kyle VonBraun just two weeks back. Both Black and Grey had no real fear of death upon meeting to ‘discuss things’ in the library Sunday night, and manor staff described the air in the room to be ‘full of laughter, cigar smoke, and mutual respect’. Kyle Snyder did get in a rather pointed jab at 6:50 in the first (Eric Willard), and Willard doubled down with a late second period diss (Janice Darlington), leaving Black searching for a witty retort as the ‘friendly meeting’ wound into the wee minutes. It’s worth noting the ‘Doctor’ Black himself was not in the room, and in fact, most of his entourage (Bao Nguyen, Dan Jurgens, Marc Lapointe, and Brendan Jew) had ‘retired early’ that night (if that is to be believed). Pat Gladstone did show up, and showed Grey that even a bit of Black still has bite, slapping Grey’s back in a ‘congratulatory gesture’ that staff later reported looked more like a ‘passive aggressive threat of things to come’ (from Geoff Downes). Ryan Loughran (21/23) was very solid as the last line of defense for a VERY thin pack, but Black would ultimately concede to Grey in this strange gentlepersons’ duel, 2-1. Jon Cima (12/13) collected his fourth win in eight tries, and while besting (a barely-there) Black may have boosted the bravado of Colonel & Company, it did nothing to improve their postseason position (fifth).

I am sure I am not the only one who finds it suspicious that Lady Leah Tealsdale has scarcely been seen since President Pope’s murder back in late March. I mean, how many mysteries introduce a character in the first few scenes, then write that character out long enough for you to forget about them, then…BAM…remember that sneaky looking lady from the arrival scene…SHE DID IT! The Lady herself was in attendance, fanning herself and sipping ‘just iced tea…definitely not Jagr and soda’ out on the North Lawn, with the best seat in the house for a ‘friendly’ croquet match between her Teal mates and the late Duchess Gold-Diggerton’s bereaved bunch. It may have been ‘just another croquet match to pass a late afternoon hour…without getting too sweaty’ for Gold, but this match meant everything to their opponent. They would need a win, then anything but an Orange victory in order to avoid becoming the latest corpse tossed into the mass grave out by the hedge maze. Will Heinl had Teal on the front foot at 3:36 in the first (from Justin Ker and Elyse Shattuck)…that’s right, folks…Justin Ker is playing this season! While he has been only slightly more apparent than his injured OG captain over the past two months, he showed up when Teal needed him most, and showed up three times on the scoreboard in their all-important finale. He followed the primary assist on the Heinl strike with a solo effort late in the first (0:28), then repeated the unassisted feat for the only goal from either side in the second to put Teal up three. Ty Pereira bashed one through the wickets for Gold (from Hima Joshi and Brennen Abel), but that would be the only measure of retaliation from the down and out underdogs. Chuck Bender (3/4) earned perhaps the easiest win of his, or any goalie’s career with a THREE SAVE EFFORT. Chris Tran (24/27) may look back with relief that he missed most of the season for Gold, but one can’t help but wonder if he might have been their saving grace. The 3-1 Teal win was just more dirt on Gold’s grave, but meant that Teal might live to fight another day, pending the result of the nightcap between Orange and Brown.

The buzz around the manor is that Doctor J’ermé Olivier is VERY close to solving the mystery of President Pope’s murder. His keen observation, conversation, and subtle persuasion skills have been deployed expertly throughout the protracted and unexpected stay that followed the brutal killing. Dr. Olivier is no doubt a very sharp dude, but it is clear that the real brains of the operation are nestled within the sublime skull of Agent Silas ‘The Silencer’™ Perks. Olivier, ever the fraidy cat cautious individual, hired Perks as his personal body guard the moment it became clear that murder was afoot (and likely afeet) at the Manor. Perks has earned his (considerable) paycheck as ‘life safer’, but has also proven to be a super sleuth in his spare time, soaking up all but three possible clues coming into a picnic lunch date with General Severus Eggplant and his Purple-clad posse. Both teams knew they would survive the encounter (I mean, it was just a nice lunch together, out under the shade of the willows on the West Lawn), but Olivier (and Perks) are always looking to ‘come out ahead’ from any interaction, and they did just that (AGAIN) on this occasion. Aaron Cooney made a good point early in the meal (riffing off a smart aside from Hima Joshi), then things got quiet for a period. Cooney had his mates roaring with another bon mot early in dessert course (with Ralph Feuer and Branden Olsen setting up the punch line), and Olsen made sure Purple would not talk their way back into the conversation with an uncontested zinger as the servants cleared plates and offered coffee and tea. Feuer was asked to leave the picnic after shoving a defenseless old man (Steve Linke) into the mud, and authorities have asked that he remain in his quarters for a few weeks to cool off. The eleven save 3-0 shutout win was another feather in Perks’ already-feather-riddled cap. He finishes the season with absolutely Ebenezer numbers – .968/0.63/4 SO…the gaudiest line of his gaudy career. Olive now have all but three clues they would need to know all of the details of President Pope’s death, and they will enter postseason play as the top seed with a 7-0-3 record. They look to defend their undefeated ledger against Teal, who (spoiler alert) slipped into the playoff party JUST before the doors snapped closed. The loss for Don Tran (10/12) and the Purple clan means a seventh place finish at 3-4-3. They will look to upend a rested and ready Red side in the round one opener this Sunday.

Baron Bryan L’Orange, ever the ruthless dickface shrewd strategist, planned to ensure the survival of himself (first) and his entourage by shelling out A LOT of that baron bling to secure the services of one of the most notorious killing machines the Manor has ever allowed on the premises…David ‘Throat Slasher’™ Schlatter. So, sort of the antithesis of the Olivier method, if you will…kill ’em with…killing, and by killing, avoid be killed. As the classic Beatles hit goes, though, money ‘Can’t By Me Attendance’, and Schlatter appeared far more interested in slashing through six packs of Linke Lager (local brewery…not bad, actually) than lacerating larynxes since the day he pulled up to the Manor in a tiger print Jaguar (he loves irony almost as much as murder). L’Orange and his mates would need Schlatter to show, and would need him at his cold bloodiest to put down Professor Kyle VonBraun’s Brown in a high stakes game of poker set to go down in the second floor conservatory overlooking the pool (I’m granting you that the location sounds very un-badass). VonBraun’s brood had proven very proficient with weapons themselves over the course of their stay, boasting two of the more ‘offensive’ characters to ever roam the corridors in Zach ‘Assault’ Salt and Mark ‘Dagger’ DeGraffenreid. Putting Orange out of their misery would also mean holding their edge over the Colonel and his crew, and with no Schlatter to be seen as the first hands were dealt, it seemed pretty clear that the Baron and buds would be short-stacked from the start. Sure enough…quads out of the gate for Brown, with Maureen Ruchhoeft betting out first (from Robert Pietropaula and Shawna Hamon), Mark DeGraffenreid raising less than a minute later (Zach Salt), Tony Thinh re-raising (Ruchhoeft and DeGraffenreid), then Ruchhoeft (from Salt) showing the nuts (a pair of goals in the hole, with a matching pair on the board) to scoop most of Orange’s stack before the deck was even warm. Rob Gaudio read a subtle signal from Mostafa Azab, and bluffed his way to a small chip salvage for Orange, but Brown continued to turn over hot hands, with DeGraffenreid (Ruchhoeft) and Shawna Hamon (Salt) keeping the river flowing for the favorites. Hamon’s second big hand of the night (Salt & DeGraffenreid) gave Brown a 7 to 1 chip count lead, and while Schlatter (who arrived after the first orbit) finally started to make an impact, it was too little, too late. Gaudio (Schlatter), then Schlatter (Gaudio) brought the stacks a bit more level, but Salt (DeGraffenreid & Strathman) put Orange back on tilt, rendering the final notch in Gaudio’s hat trick belt (Jess MacKinnon) nothing more than cold consolation as Brown brushed Orange aside, 8-4. DeGraffenreid and Salt finished the season with 28 points each, tied for tops, and NINE points better than runners up Gaudio and ‘Doctor’ Boddy. Orange have not been seen since their last chip was swept away…the rumor is that the Baron owed A LOT of money to A LOT of dangerous people, at least one of whom is also sequestered at the Manor. Brown will look to avenge themselves this Sunday against a Grey gang that roughed them up quite a bit in their last encounter. With the President and now three prominent guests slain, the tension is tightening, and the knives are now well and truly out…

Gold Blooded

It’s been a while since we checked in on the goings-on at 4S Manor, and while we were all distracted by all manner of fun and games, there has been another murder! The dirt on President Pope’s coffin is still fresh, but now a second plot must be dug in the garden/impromptu cemetery at the center of the hedge maze to house the corpse of Captain Jeannine Stuzka’s Gold. While Gold had been in ill health for months, investigators are convinced that foul play was involved, and will be opening a new investigation once the inquiries into the President’s death wrap this Sunday evening. The worry is that still more carnage may unfold over the weekend, as a tense and terrifying three month ordeal winds to a chilling close…

At the risk of being labeled a ‘hater’ (as the kids say…I’m told), I am going to double down on my take that Olive is an average team with a demi-god in nets. Take a gander at the Standings page, when you get a chance. You will see that, while Olive has generated just 17 goals in 9 games (so…less than two goals a game, and even fewer goals when you subtract three empty-netters), they have also allowed FUCKING SEVEN…TOTAL. That number is HALF the next lowest total allowed by Red and Purple, and LESS THAN A FIFTH the league worst (Orange’s 38). So, while you can shout ‘scoreboard’ at me all you like, and while ‘The Silencer™’ may well carry Olive to Cup glory, it is clear (to me) that the man deserves roughly 90% of the credit. Captain Copp & Company rode their stalwart stallion into battle against White in a Week One (Make-Up) matchup, with their ‘Only Remaining Undefeated Team’ banner waving proudly behind them. Captain Karns’ White were eager to get back on the winning track, after their three game win streak was snapped by Red the week prior. Neither goalie would budge through one, nor through two, and with the clock ticking toward zeroes in the third, it looked as though Matt Henderson would prove an equal to Silas Perks on this day, leaving both teams with the bittersweet taste of tie on their respective tongues. Dan Soar yanked the ‘sweet’ right off of that ‘bittersweet’, and handed the bitter receipt back to White with his third of the season at 2:14 (Aaron Cooney). You’ll be shocked to learn that this lone goal was the game-winner for Olive, who remained undefeated, and are primed to secure the top playoff seed after the 1-0 win. Perks (16/16) was Per-fect once again, recording this third shutout in seven games (let that sink in), and improving his ridiculous line to .965/0.71/3 SO on the season. Matt Henderson (20/21) absorbed his second straight tough loss to a top team, but White’s 4-5-0 record, combined with the results in the cut line battles, has them safely in the playoff mix. Olive will look to cap their impressive season with a win over sample platter Purple (3-3-3), and a win would mean that would finish with all but THREE of the clues in the President Pope murder mystery. White will look to end their up and down season on a high note, even their record at .500, and finally put Pink out of their misery in the early game this Sunday.

A 4-1 Week Seven win over Teal, and a 4-1 win over Orange in Week Ten not only salvaged the season for Captain Janine Ulloa’s Pink, but also set them up with a potentially vital edge in the tiebreaker triage that may well come to bear when the dust has settled late Sunday night. Gold has been eliminated, and Pink, Teal, and Orange are the only teams who have yet to secure a playoff position. Two of those three teams will hit the scrap heap after Sunday’s slate, and while Pink is sitting on the fewest points at 2-7-0, they are also 2-0-0 against Teal and Orange. Teal’s record in this mix is 1-1-0, and Orange (who hold the most points going into the final week of play at 2-5-2) have the worst tiebreaker position (0-2-0), and also face the toughest opponent of the trio in their finale (Brown). So, Pink is not just ‘still in it’, but a win over White in the early game this Sunday would leave them above the cut line for the first time all season, and grant them better-than-average odds to survive. A subsequent non-win for Teal and loss for Orange would mean that…if you can believe it…Pink will live to play into July! Part of the reason Pink is in this predicament in the first place is because of yet another loss, this time a 3-2 concession to Captain John Boddy’s Black. Sadie Hellstrom put Black on the board early at 8:13 in the first (from Captain Boddy and Geoff Downes), but Jim LaGrossa responded for Pink at 6:07 (Mason LaGrossa & John Gamm) to keep both teams on even footing heading into the second. The pattern continued from there, with Captain Boddy cashing in at 9:21 in the second (Hellstrom), and Gamm returning fire at 4:00 (Mason & Jim). Geoff Downes (Captain Boddy & Hellstrom) held up Black’s end of the pattern bargain in the third, but there would be no further reply from Pink, wasting another heroic effort from Nick Vacchio (28/31), and keeping Pink on pins and needles going into their final game of the season. As noted, a win for Pink over White this Sunday will go a long way to pushing them into the playoffs, but they are the only one of the three teams that has no measure of ‘controlling their own destiny’. They must win, and must trust that Teal does not also win, and that Orange loses. Black can drop no lower than third, and are still in position to climb to the top of the standings with a win over Grey and a anything but a win for Olive.

Captain Chad Goins’ Grey officially locked in their playoff seat in Week Eleven with a decisive and impressive 6-3 win over a formidable Brown side, and looked to make a real statement in the Week One Make-Up tilt with rough and ready Red. Captain Joel Gattey & Company had been (officially) playoff certified for weeks (and weeks), but looked to stick the dismount in their final regular season game, and give themselves a chance at keeping hold of the number one seed going into the second season. A win for Red would, at the very least, guarantee a top three finish, while a win for Grey would merely give them a chance of cracking the top half of the bracket in their final game. So, while not the highest of stakes, it’s always entertaining when two good teams do battle, and do battle they did. Craig Russell’s first of the season put Red up one late in the third (1:54, from Nick Vacchio and Jordan Pynn), and Tim Vick tacked on to make it 2-0 even later in the frame (0:12, from Pynn and Trevor Vick). The second period came and went with no tensing of twine, and just when it was starting to look like 4,997th career shutout was in the making for Sean ‘Da Kid’ Kelly, Eric Willard soiled the clean sheet with 1:30 to play (Rob LaVigne & Justin Stege), cutting the lead in half, and setting up a frantic fight to the finish. That finish came with no further ‘finishing’ on Grey’s part, as Kelly (15/16) and friends escaped with a 2-1 win to close out their regular season summer campaign at 6-1-3. Jon Cima (9/11) swallowed the loss, but his personal record on the season remains above .500 at 3-2-2. Even with the anemic attack in this loss, Cima (and his stand-ins) have enjoyed 32 goals of support so far this season, which is tied for second in offensive output with Black, and only two behind Brown. All of that said, it’s probably worth noting that the two teams with the top two goalies find themselves at the top of the standings at a combined 12-1-6. This isn’t to say that a ‘lower tier’ goalie can’t rise up and snatch the Cup, but it’s pretty hard to ignore the hard data, in this case. ‘Defense’ may win championships, but the goalie is the last line of defense, and also the only player to play every minute of every game. So, Red (and their star goaltender) are the first team to wrap their season, and Grey will look to hold their playoff position, or improve (they can only move up one spot to the four seed) in their regular season closer against a short-benched Black.

The battles in the trenches are arguably more tense and heated than the battles at the top. After all, lives (of the playoff variety) are at stake when cut line teams square off, and something had to give when Captain Bryan Ossa’s 1-5-2 Orange met Captain Jeannine Stuzka’s 1-6-1 Gold. A loss for Orange would leave them in a must-win situation in their final game, while a loss for Gold would mean death (of the playoff variety). I mean, this week’s headline is the definition of a ‘spoiler’…Gold dies. A scoreless first begat a back and forth second, with Rob Gaudio striking first for Orange at 9:34 (David Schlatter & Bryan Ossa), Brennen Able responding for Gold at 7:13 (Alan Razoky), Gaudio’s second of the game putting Orange back on top at 5:52 (Mostafa Azab & Erin Plone), and Ty Pereira’s first of the season (!) at 3:57 (Captain Stuzka) leaving the score knotted at two twos through two. The other spoiler on the front page is the POTW blurb, as Gaudio completed his hat trick (and polished his POTW honors) at 9:34 in the third (Schlatter & Ossa) to put Orange in front 3-2…a score that would hold up to keep Orange alive and well in the playoff pursuit, and send Gold to a cold, cold June grave. Nick Meglich (23/25) earned third star honors with another bit of Meglich Magic™, while Chris Tran (23/26) did everything he could (in vain) to keep his team in this game and in this season to the bitter end. Gold become the first team to be officially eliminated with the loss, while the win keeps Orange alive, and (technically) in the best position to advance amongst the remaining three teams yet to clinch. At 2-5-2, Orange is in with a win in their finale against Brown, regardless of how Pink and Teal fare. Captain Ossa’s side have the added benefit of playing in the nightcap on the final Sunday of play. This means that they will know exactly what they do (or do not) need to do to advance as they arrive to take warmups. If both Pink (4:00) and Teal (6:00) lose, they know they are already in. If Pink wins and/or if Teal earns a point, Orange will need at least a tie against Brown. If both Teal and Pink win, Orange will need to beat Brown to survive, which means we may be in for the rare ‘pulled goalie with the score tied’ scenario…

This season has seen its share (or more) of lopsided results…boat races and blowouts that have bloated individual scoring stats and left scorers with hand cramps. The Week One Make-Up slate was the height of low-scoring parity, however, with scores of 0-1, 3-2, 2-1, and 3-2 leading up to the late game match between Teal and Purple. Captain Zach Siemer’s Teal was not yet in ‘must-win’ territory at 2-6-0 coming in, but after watching the final minutes of Orange’s inspired win, they knew that would need any and all points they could muster in their final two games if they had any hope of outlasting their basement buddies. Captain Sev Brown’s Purple, while not nestled in the upper reaches of the rankings, had already secured playoff passage with their 3-3-2 mark coming in, and had only the prospect of shoring up their postseason position (and, perhaps playing spoiler) on the agenda. There’s parity, and then there is paucity, and much like the Week Ten matchup between Red and Olive, this game would wind and grind to a 0-0 finish. A Salt-less Purple mustered just FIVE total shots, all of which were deflected by Jon Cima, who filled in (and caught up on his latest Netflix binge) in a sub stint for Chuck Bender. Don Tran (19/19) was nearly four times as busy at the other end, spoiling Teal’s chance to move ahead of Orange and above the cut line for the first time with his first shutout of the season. Purple have the ultimate playoff warmup in undefeated Olive up next, with little chance of moving up or down the playoff ladder more than a rung either way meaning that they can let it all hang out and see if they can manage to hang TWO WHOLE GOALS on The Silencer™. Teal draw the only dead team in their finale, and securing the (expected) win would eliminate Pink (regardless of how they fare against White), and mean Orange would need to beat Brown to avoid falling out of the playoffs in their final game and the final game of the regular season schedule.