I am playing catchup, so below are the Week Six recaps, followed by the Week Seven words…
Gold and Lime came into Week Six with matching 2-2-0 records, and a similarly undefined season trajectory. Lime surprised everyone (but me) with two wins out of the gate, but came in having lost two in a row. Gold won their opener after a Week One bye, then dropped two before evening their record in Week Five. The scene was set for an interesting and intense match, but much of the buzz blunted when a late Alex Theis scratch left league officers with limited fill-in options. Chuck Bender had the unenviable task of trying to fill those HOF shoes, but acquitted himself quite well…just not well enough to win. Brian Sheptycki put Gold in front late in the first, Maureen Ruchhoeft netted the short-handed game-winner in the second (running her goal scoring streak to three games!), and Ezra Cohen added insurance late in the third after Vance Morra halved the lead near the other end of the frame. Sheptycki and Cohen finished with 1 and 1, and Nick Meglich notched the win with a 10/11 effort. The 3-1 win pushed Gold into the upper half of the standings, leaving Lime lamenting their third straight defeat.
If you’re scoring at home, Eric Herrmann is empirically the most ridiculous player in the league. Enter David Schlatter, who approaches most ridiculous player in the league levels himself. Now imagine both of these players on the same team. Now imagine them on the same line. Yeah…as the headline suggests…overkill. For only the second time in five games, the two of them were in the lineup together, and together they absolutely terrorized Blue to the tune of five and two. Schlatter opened the scoring early in the first, Herrmann followed with the GWG, and Wendy Enright got in on the act to make it 3-0 Orange through one. Schlatter kicked off the second period with his second, Gary Peters netted his first of the season, then Schlatter finished his hat trick to make it 6-0 through two. At this point, Blue’s goal was to ‘win a period’, and while they didn’t manage that, they did at least manage to tie Orange in the final frame, with Geoff Downes finally solving Don Tran (21/22) to equalize Herrmann’s second strike earlier in the third. The 7-1 smash to smithereens actually feels like a kind, gentle reflection of the level of dominance exhibited by this terrible twosome in this one. It might as well (and easily could have been) 15-0. In looking back on the schedule, I see that Schlatter and Herrmann were together in the lineup against Gold in Week Two. I have no idea how Gold survived that encounter, let alone prevailed, let alone prevailed convincingly (5-2), but we have our top scientists working on that now…
In contrast to the filthy, degrading gangbang that was game two of Week Six, game three was a slow, sensual, tantric rendezvous, with only one ‘O’ to be had. Typically, it was a man who found release, and even more typically (ask Janice), it was Tom Darlington who finished first, ‘slipping one past the goalie’, and accounting for the only offense for either side in a 1-0 win for Green over White. Chris Malki and Jeannine Stuzka recorded assists on the winning strike (ceasing and desisting with the sexual metaphors at this point), while Don Tran (15/15) recorded his first shutout of the season. Tran reported to this reporter after the game that Darlington (still referring to the lesser, here…Tom) was worthy of ‘first star’ for ‘saving a goal defensively, and scoring the only goal a few minutes later’. So, here I sit, passing on ten day old kudos to you, Tom…you heard it hear last. Cory Brin (13/14) absorbed to hard luck loss, as White continued to struggle and sag in the standings. They entered their Week Seven bye at 1-4-1, having only triumphed over the increasingly lowly Blue in Week Four. The win vaulted Green over the .500 mark, but then they faced our cover team in Week Seven, and well…their back to .500 as I type.
Two teams trending toward opposite poles in the standings capped the Week Six slate with a thriller that served as a moral, minor miracle victory for Atomic Blue, and a stinging, sour pill for Grey. The league’s leading scorer, Jim LaGrossa (stoked I still have his rookie card), led off the scoring for Grey bright and early in the first, with the current show horse in the stats race notching the primary assist. Carl Vankoughnett answered, then upped the ante with two strikes in a five minute span later in the period. Justin Stege brought Grey level with the only goal of the second, and that dynamic duo struck again (this time Gaudio from LaGrossa) to put Grey back out front 3-2. The clock wound down toward another Grey W, but Luke Wolmer found the equalizer with 0:41 to play, knotting the score for good, 3-3, blowing up the Atomic bench, and sending shock waves through Grey’s ranks. Neither goalie had a night you’d put on the mantle, with Wayne Wong stopping 9/12, and Parsa Mostafavi deflecting 14/17, but the one point, and the way that one point was produced could really propel a weak and wobbly Atomic Blue team on to better things. Meanwhile, Grey is hardly hurting after the non-win, but blowing a late lead is never any fun.
It is very well documented that I left the Sprummer 2022 draft knowing (and professing loudly) that Captain Mark Nagy’s ‘SubLime’ lineup was destined for greatness. I sat unsurprised as they cruised to a convincing victory in their season opener, and I loved watching my fellow pundits eat crow as they repeated the feat, and strode out to a 2-0-0 start. Even the great teams falter, though, and while both Lime and Blue began the season with twin two win spins, they had both suffered a trio of fizzles since. Something had to give…one of these sleeping giants would have to prevail, and regain their winning form. Unless…I mean….unless they tied. They could have tied. They didn’t. Captain Nagy drew first blood late in the first, and a scoreless second had Blue talking to themselves, and believing in bad mojo. Blue carried the majority of the play, but could not solve Alex Theis (17/18) – not until Shawna Hamon finally flicked a bad angle bullet through the armor early in the third to draw things to…a draw. Each tick brought this one closer to a hard fought tie, but instead it was another hard luck loss for Chuck Bender (13/15) and a woebegone Blue. Steve Linke, a player known for his penchant for jumping up in the play and grinding near the opposition’s goal crease, stayed true to his power forward nature, parked in front, and tucked the game-winner between Bender’s pads with 0:28 to play….2-1 Lime over Blue. Blue have now lost four straight, and while ‘every team makes the playoffs’ this season, it’s definitely looking like an uphill climb for Captain Karn’s crew.
Captain Will Heinl’s ‘Gold Will Hunting’ (incidentally, Pope-le’s Choice award for best team name this season) rolled into Week Seven on…well…on a roll. Their two game win streak started with a steamrolling of league doormats, White, in Week Five, followed by a shocking 3-1 upset of juggernaut, Lime in Week Six. Captain Hima Joshi’s Grey came lolling in off a listless two game stretch that started with a 1-0 sleepy stunner over top gunners, Lime, and a 3-3 tie with a not-so-hot Atomic Blue. The league’s deadliest duo (when Herrmann and Schlatter aren’t around) paced Grey to a plodding 3-0 win, with Gaudio in the first (from Andrew Wong), Gaudio in the second (from LaGrossa), and LaGrossa in the third (from Gaudio) serving as the steady beats of the victory drum. Parsa Mostafavi kept his rally for rookie of the year going with the second shutout of his nascent career (12/12), and kept his record lossless in the process at an impressive 4-0-2. Nick Meglich was sharp, but slowly, steadily, subdued, keeping Gold in position to pounce throughout with a 16/19 line.
Fans who bought tickets to the Pink v Atomic Blue match before the season started, hoping to catch another Salt v Salt showdown, were disappointed to learn that this one would be a one Salt affair. Captain Chad Goins’ struggling squad was disappointed to find that the one Salt was not a zest of resident super star, Zach, but rather a pinch of Pink captain, Jon. It was another Jon that opened the scoring for the non-Captain-Jon side, as Zygelman converted a Carl Vankoughnett pass into pay dirt in the first. Captain Jon would respond early in the second (with assists to Mr. and Mrs. Gottfried), but Vankoughnett made every minute count with a late goal to wrest back a one goal lead for Atomic Blue through two. The third period was almost all Gottfried, with Matt from Kaity making it 2-2, then Kaity from Captain Jon capping the 3-2 comeback win for Pink. The shot count seemed shockingly steep to this humble scribe, but the scorekeeper of record swears by his scorekeeping record, and apparently Wayne Wong stopped 32/35 in the loss, while Sean Kelly swatted 26/28 in the win. It may not have been the game that fans were clamoring for, but as one out of two Salt games go, this one was at least three and a half out of five stars.
It’s back to our cover team to close out the not-so-current coverage, and it’s going to be easier for me to just do the scoring recap like so: Herrmann (David Schlatter)-Herrmann-[Vacchio fucking up the flow, with assist from Malki, Joe]-Herrmann(Schlatter/Josh Tran)-Herrmann(Schlatter)-Herrmann(Schlatter)-[Vacchio twize as nize from a pair of Malki guys]. That’s the ‘from concentrate’ tale of another romp and stomp win for Orange, 5-2 over Green. Seriously, folks, you want no part of this two-headed monster from the depths of hat trick hell! Word on the street is that Schlatter may miss most/all of the playoffs…consider that your team’s saving August grace, if so. The loss finds Green bouncing into their bye week at an even-as-can-be 3-3-1, while back-to-back wins (while outscoring their opponent 12-3), has Orange perching in the high branches of the standings at 3-2-1.