On The Floor

Week 1:

Ten coked-up, leisure-suited sex machines strutted to the dance floor to move and shake off some rust, get a feel for their new partners, and casually scan the crowd of competitors. It’s going to be a long night, and this party is just getting started…

Captain Jordan ‘Let The Records’ Pynn recorded the first goal of the Summer 2019 season at 4:07 in the first, and that would be the only goal White would need. The 5-0 Gold rush also featured 1 and 1 from Steve ‘Go-Go’ Goncalo, Carl ‘CV, Yes!’ Vankoughnett, and Jeff ‘You Should Be Dan…’ Chen, Ryan ‘Never Tiptoein’ Owen’s first of the season, and Quinn ‘Tessential’ Hume’s first career SDFHL point (the lone assist on Vankoughnett’s tally). Team namesake, Chuck ‘Eight-Ball’ Bender, stopped 12/12, while Matt ‘& All That’ Henderson had some issues with the volume of shots the other way, stopping 27/32.

The match between Red and Black featured a fittingly checkered score sheet. Red had an answer for all four Andrew ‘One Man Crew’ Jacobsen goals (Jeannine ‘Dancin’ Machine’ Stuzka, Min-Soo ‘Lefty’ Smith, Josh ‘Good Hurt’ Wirt, Mark ‘DaSpark’ Daquipa), but failed to account for Michael ‘Fro Real’ Froman. It’s all about the fro, man. Jacobsen did (of course) assist on Froman’s first period marker, and Froman returned the favor on Jacobsen’s game-winner in the third. BFF’s Katherine ‘K Dizzy’ Dicker and Alyce ‘Kill & Bury’ Perry each collected two assists, and Christian ‘Mingle’ LeClair lost his SDFHL debut 5-4 in a wild one, stopping 11/16.

The party ground to a halt in the third game of the evening, as two full periods, and 9:06 of a third wound past with nary a single step taken or net shaken. Leave it to Jerry ‘Old Jeezy’ Gonzales to finally get things jumping again. Gonzales’ capped a late one on two rush with a strange, bounding ball that crossed Chris ‘Ladies Man’ Tran’s body, hit the post, and found a home. Captain Steph ‘No Half Stephin’ Palomo Schmidt locked down the win with an empty netter…Orange over Pink, 2-0. Marc ‘Boogie Down’ Devoe had a relatively comfy path to shutout glory (9/9), while Tran came close, but not close enough to matching the feat at 14/15.

Tie Dye…tie is right there in the color, FFS. Naturally, Captain Psiemer’s Psychadelic Psquad battled to a 3-3 no win situation with Purple in Week One. Sophomore sensation, John ‘Wham, Bam, Thank You’ Gamm, scored not once, but thrice, assisted on each by that other Jon…that no ‘h’ loser…sad. Alexis ‘Saurus Rexis’ DaCosta collected assisted on all three strikes for Tie Dye, with Alan ‘King Of The North’ Razoky netting a pair, and adding a helper of his own on Adam ‘Bomb’ Schindler’s first of the season. Both goalies were solid and stable (these were sweet goals, folks), with Cory ‘Glory, Story, Allegory, Montessori…‘ Brin stopping 18/21, and Fred ‘Diva’ Fournier concluding his SDFHL career in a fill-in role with a 23/26 effort. We will miss you, Freddie! Send waffles and beer!

Hey, gang…remember Steve ‘Accidents Will Happen…Like The Killing Of Your Team, By Me‘ Jones? Well, he’s back, and he’s back at it. To the surprise of absolutely no one, Jones accounted for both goals in Green’s 2-0 win over Lime. Andrew ‘Stone Cold’ Lockard stopped all ten shots he faced (because Jones did not turn and fire on him), while Alex ‘Riunite On‘ Theis was strong (14/16), but saddled with a loss in his return to league action.