Murder By Numbers

Princess Janine diRosa reported several ‘attempts on her life’ over the course of her stay at 4S Manor, but fellow guests were dismissive of her colorful claims, and even authorities lost interest with what appeared to be the ramblings of a paranoid attention seeker. Among the more sensational stories…’ Detective Redman poisoned me, and locked me in the cellar in Week Five!’, ‘General Eggplant nearly bludgeoned me to death in Week Eight!’, and ‘Colonel Chadwick Grey stabbed me eight times with a steak knife in Week Nine!’. If you recall the story of ‘The Boy Who Cried Wolf’, you know that the boy (and all the sheep he tends) are ultimately eaten…by an actual wolf. diRosa & Company needed a win and help to live beyond their latest ‘brush with (playoff) death’, and Jim LaGrossa put them on top 1-0 at 8:35 in the first (Josh Tran), then plumped the lead to two at 7:04 (John Gamm). The ‘White Wolf’ was lurking, though, and the fangs flashed once (Josh Wirt from Dorothy Kline and Kerri Sevenbergen), then again (Mark Nagy from Carl Vankoughnett and Wirt) to erase the edge, and push Pink back to the brink. Vankoughnett added a solo strike at 4:24 to give White their first lead, and send ‘The Tranthers’ into a mad scramble for survival. Josh Tran (from John Gamm) equalized at 2:51, but the panicked Pink press would never find a game-winner, as super sub, Ryan Loughran (33/36) and White held on to preserve the 3-3 tie and send Princess diRosa to the makeshift manor morgue to join President Pope and Duchess Gold-Diggerton. Nick Vacchio (22/25) absorbed the last loss of a listless Pink campaign that seemed hopeless from the outset. It is unclear at this point how investigators intend to handle this gruesome twist. While it is clear that Reverend Ryan Blanco was the last to see diRosa alive, it is possible that her death was the result of aggregate trauma from a series of brutal attacks…perhaps ‘the boy’ was not ‘crying wolf’ after all…

Mister (‘Doctor’) John ‘Black Hat’ Boddy and his cohorts stayed (mostly) out of the shadows of suspicion amid the growing trend of (for lack of a better term) dead ends coming into the final week of the investigation into the murder of President Pope. While some reports had Black Hat ‘skulking about late at night’, and even ‘fleeing the scene of a vicious attack on Reverend Blanco’ in Week Six, the good ‘doctor’ managed to keep a very low profile from week to week, while at the same time maintaining a high position in the ‘body count standings’. Colonel Chadwick Grey and his cadre of cadets had a bit more (alleged) blood on their hands over the course of their stay coming into final Sunday ‘play’, having been accused by both Duchess Gold-Diggerton and Princess diRosa of violent attacks, and also having gotten the considerable better of Professor Kyle VonBraun just two weeks back. Both Black and Grey had no real fear of death upon meeting to ‘discuss things’ in the library Sunday night, and manor staff described the air in the room to be ‘full of laughter, cigar smoke, and mutual respect’. Kyle Snyder did get in a rather pointed jab at 6:50 in the first (Eric Willard), and Willard doubled down with a late second period diss (Janice Darlington), leaving Black searching for a witty retort as the ‘friendly meeting’ wound into the wee minutes. It’s worth noting the ‘Doctor’ Black himself was not in the room, and in fact, most of his entourage (Bao Nguyen, Dan Jurgens, Marc Lapointe, and Brendan Jew) had ‘retired early’ that night (if that is to be believed). Pat Gladstone did show up, and showed Grey that even a bit of Black still has bite, slapping Grey’s back in a ‘congratulatory gesture’ that staff later reported looked more like a ‘passive aggressive threat of things to come’ (from Geoff Downes). Ryan Loughran (21/23) was very solid as the last line of defense for a VERY thin pack, but Black would ultimately concede to Grey in this strange gentlepersons’ duel, 2-1. Jon Cima (12/13) collected his fourth win in eight tries, and while besting (a barely-there) Black may have boosted the bravado of Colonel & Company, it did nothing to improve their postseason position (fifth).

I am sure I am not the only one who finds it suspicious that Lady Leah Tealsdale has scarcely been seen since President Pope’s murder back in late March. I mean, how many mysteries introduce a character in the first few scenes, then write that character out long enough for you to forget about them, then…BAM…remember that sneaky looking lady from the arrival scene…SHE DID IT! The Lady herself was in attendance, fanning herself and sipping ‘just iced tea…definitely not Jagr and soda’ out on the North Lawn, with the best seat in the house for a ‘friendly’ croquet match between her Teal mates and the late Duchess Gold-Diggerton’s bereaved bunch. It may have been ‘just another croquet match to pass a late afternoon hour…without getting too sweaty’ for Gold, but this match meant everything to their opponent. They would need a win, then anything but an Orange victory in order to avoid becoming the latest corpse tossed into the mass grave out by the hedge maze. Will Heinl had Teal on the front foot at 3:36 in the first (from Justin Ker and Elyse Shattuck)…that’s right, folks…Justin Ker is playing this season! While he has been only slightly more apparent than his injured OG captain over the past two months, he showed up when Teal needed him most, and showed up three times on the scoreboard in their all-important finale. He followed the primary assist on the Heinl strike with a solo effort late in the first (0:28), then repeated the unassisted feat for the only goal from either side in the second to put Teal up three. Ty Pereira bashed one through the wickets for Gold (from Hima Joshi and Brennen Abel), but that would be the only measure of retaliation from the down and out underdogs. Chuck Bender (3/4) earned perhaps the easiest win of his, or any goalie’s career with a THREE SAVE EFFORT. Chris Tran (24/27) may look back with relief that he missed most of the season for Gold, but one can’t help but wonder if he might have been their saving grace. The 3-1 Teal win was just more dirt on Gold’s grave, but meant that Teal might live to fight another day, pending the result of the nightcap between Orange and Brown.

The buzz around the manor is that Doctor J’ermé Olivier is VERY close to solving the mystery of President Pope’s murder. His keen observation, conversation, and subtle persuasion skills have been deployed expertly throughout the protracted and unexpected stay that followed the brutal killing. Dr. Olivier is no doubt a very sharp dude, but it is clear that the real brains of the operation are nestled within the sublime skull of Agent Silas ‘The Silencer’™ Perks. Olivier, ever the fraidy cat cautious individual, hired Perks as his personal body guard the moment it became clear that murder was afoot (and likely afeet) at the Manor. Perks has earned his (considerable) paycheck as ‘life safer’, but has also proven to be a super sleuth in his spare time, soaking up all but three possible clues coming into a picnic lunch date with General Severus Eggplant and his Purple-clad posse. Both teams knew they would survive the encounter (I mean, it was just a nice lunch together, out under the shade of the willows on the West Lawn), but Olivier (and Perks) are always looking to ‘come out ahead’ from any interaction, and they did just that (AGAIN) on this occasion. Aaron Cooney made a good point early in the meal (riffing off a smart aside from Hima Joshi), then things got quiet for a period. Cooney had his mates roaring with another bon mot early in dessert course (with Ralph Feuer and Branden Olsen setting up the punch line), and Olsen made sure Purple would not talk their way back into the conversation with an uncontested zinger as the servants cleared plates and offered coffee and tea. Feuer was asked to leave the picnic after shoving a defenseless old man (Steve Linke) into the mud, and authorities have asked that he remain in his quarters for a few weeks to cool off. The eleven save 3-0 shutout win was another feather in Perks’ already-feather-riddled cap. He finishes the season with absolutely Ebenezer numbers – .968/0.63/4 SO…the gaudiest line of his gaudy career. Olive now have all but three clues they would need to know all of the details of President Pope’s death, and they will enter postseason play as the top seed with a 7-0-3 record. They look to defend their undefeated ledger against Teal, who (spoiler alert) slipped into the playoff party JUST before the doors snapped closed. The loss for Don Tran (10/12) and the Purple clan means a seventh place finish at 3-4-3. They will look to upend a rested and ready Red side in the round one opener this Sunday.

Baron Bryan L’Orange, ever the ruthless dickface shrewd strategist, planned to ensure the survival of himself (first) and his entourage by shelling out A LOT of that baron bling to secure the services of one of the most notorious killing machines the Manor has ever allowed on the premises…David ‘Throat Slasher’™ Schlatter. So, sort of the antithesis of the Olivier method, if you will…kill ’em with…killing, and by killing, avoid be killed. As the classic Beatles hit goes, though, money ‘Can’t By Me Attendance’, and Schlatter appeared far more interested in slashing through six packs of Linke Lager (local brewery…not bad, actually) than lacerating larynxes since the day he pulled up to the Manor in a tiger print Jaguar (he loves irony almost as much as murder). L’Orange and his mates would need Schlatter to show, and would need him at his cold bloodiest to put down Professor Kyle VonBraun’s Brown in a high stakes game of poker set to go down in the second floor conservatory overlooking the pool (I’m granting you that the location sounds very un-badass). VonBraun’s brood had proven very proficient with weapons themselves over the course of their stay, boasting two of the more ‘offensive’ characters to ever roam the corridors in Zach ‘Assault’ Salt and Mark ‘Dagger’ DeGraffenreid. Putting Orange out of their misery would also mean holding their edge over the Colonel and his crew, and with no Schlatter to be seen as the first hands were dealt, it seemed pretty clear that the Baron and buds would be short-stacked from the start. Sure enough…quads out of the gate for Brown, with Maureen Ruchhoeft betting out first (from Robert Pietropaula and Shawna Hamon), Mark DeGraffenreid raising less than a minute later (Zach Salt), Tony Thinh re-raising (Ruchhoeft and DeGraffenreid), then Ruchhoeft (from Salt) showing the nuts (a pair of goals in the hole, with a matching pair on the board) to scoop most of Orange’s stack before the deck was even warm. Rob Gaudio read a subtle signal from Mostafa Azab, and bluffed his way to a small chip salvage for Orange, but Brown continued to turn over hot hands, with DeGraffenreid (Ruchhoeft) and Shawna Hamon (Salt) keeping the river flowing for the favorites. Hamon’s second big hand of the night (Salt & DeGraffenreid) gave Brown a 7 to 1 chip count lead, and while Schlatter (who arrived after the first orbit) finally started to make an impact, it was too little, too late. Gaudio (Schlatter), then Schlatter (Gaudio) brought the stacks a bit more level, but Salt (DeGraffenreid & Strathman) put Orange back on tilt, rendering the final notch in Gaudio’s hat trick belt (Jess MacKinnon) nothing more than cold consolation as Brown brushed Orange aside, 8-4. DeGraffenreid and Salt finished the season with 28 points each, tied for tops, and NINE points better than runners up Gaudio and ‘Doctor’ Boddy. Orange have not been seen since their last chip was swept away…the rumor is that the Baron owed A LOT of money to A LOT of dangerous people, at least one of whom is also sequestered at the Manor. Brown will look to avenge themselves this Sunday against a Grey gang that roughed them up quite a bit in their last encounter. With the President and now three prominent guests slain, the tension is tightening, and the knives are now well and truly out…