Clueless

Captain Ryan Karns and ‘Wirt-Collar Crime’ bounced back from a 3-1 loss in their opener to trounce Orange 10-4 in Week Four. Sample size is everything, but expectations of at least a 5-6 goal output for White’s offense in a second spin for the VW Bus™ (Vankoughnett & Wirt) were simmering (if not bubbling to a boil) in the minds of Karns & Company coming into a game against a winless Grey side featuring one of the league’s most consistently statistically challenged goalies. Captain Chad Goins’ crew had faced the same two opponents as White coming in, having managed just a 3-3 tie with Orange, and having lost in similar fashion to powerhouse Purple. Notching that first win of the season is key to forming a competitive identity, and Grey seemed determined to do just that this time out. Rob LaVigne put Grey in front at 7:55 in the first (Captain Goins & Kyle Snyder), and Snyder doubled the lead at around the same time in the second (Vance Morra). The Bus™ finally made a drive-by appearance for White in the third, with Carl Vankoughnett cutting Grey’s lead in half at 6:39 (Josh Wirt & Mark Nagy), but our POTW, Janice ‘JD’ Darlington answered just thirty-three ticks later to restore the padding for Grey. Mark Nagy kept the game tense and tight to the bitter end, slapping home a Wirt draw win to push White back to within one. Jon Cima (21/23) said (with his play) ‘consistently statistically challenged, my ass!’, flexing his championship pedigree to stick the landing and secure the 3-2 win for Grey. Matt Henderson (16/19) and White dropped to 1-2-0 with the loss, keeping them cuddled up on the cut line, but also just one point behind the ‘main pack’ with lots of hockey left to play.

Nick Meglich is a bad, bad man. After missing the first two games as the last line of defense for Orange, Meglich returned to stop 31/32, drop Purple 2-1, and roll Orange to their first win of the season. Captain Sev Brown’s ‘Plums’ came in boasting two wins, and just two goals against, while Orange struggled through a 0-1-1 start, including a 10-4 drubbing at the hands of White that even quality subs Don Tran and Cory Brin couldn’t soften. Neither Meglich, nor Don Tran would yield in the first, and a solo effort from David Schlatter was all the scoring to be found in the second. Joe Nguyen made good on a powerplay midway through the third (Brusso), and the relentless Purple attack (the final shot totals were 32-11 in their favor) seemed to signal that it was just a matter of time before push came to shove with Purple prevailing. Schlatter proved that numbers do not always add up, snapping home the game-winner for Orange with 1:36 to play (Rob Gaudio & Mostafa Azab). The Megician™ definitely pulled an Orange win out of his hat in his return, moving his team into the safety of the pack of teams with three points through three weeks of play. It’s hard to say that Purple’s loss was a let down, or the result of a lacking of anything in particular, particularly given the shot counts. Sometimes you just have to tip your cap to an incredible performance and go get ’em next time. ‘Next time’ for Purple is red hot Red, the only team with a spotless record at 3-0-0. Orange take their two point coup into their bye week, and hope that The Megician™ has more up his sleeve in a Week Seven showdown with The Silencer™…

Schlatter and Meglich may have bucked the math trend in their game, but most times the numbers do add up. In Teal’s case, those numbers were 5, 0, and 0…five total position players, zero subs, and zero players picked in the first five rounds. Interim/possibly permanent new captain, Zach Siemer, was one of the five in the mix, along with Ian Crooks, Will Heinl, and two female subs (Kaela Martin and Emily Bennington). Captain Kyle Prior’s Brown, meanwhile…near perfect attendance, with only Chuck Russell missing in action as ‘No Shit, Sherlock’ looked to bounce back from a Week Four loss to Olive. The effort and the heart were certainly there for Teal, but it was clear from the opening drop that this one was going to go the way of the team with the subs and the scoring punch. Andy Strathman punched home his first goal of the season to get the ball rolling for Brown at 9:20 in the first (Jim Peters & Mark DeGraffenreid), then Maureen Ruchhoeft (Zach Salt & DeGraffenreid), and Shawna Hamon (Salt) clicked Brown into a comfortable lead heading into the second. New comer, Tony Thinh, made his first contribution to his foster team (from Ruchhoeft & DeGraffenreid), then Salt converted another Ruchhoeft feed into pay dirt, and DeGraffenreid finished a two on none breakaway, tucking home Salt’s sauce to make it 6-0 going into the second break. The third period was quite quiet, with just one goal recorded (DeGraffenreid finishing a breakaway chance created by a Thinh outlet), and this one would mercifully wrap…7-0, Brown over a barely-there Teal. Cory Brin (8/8) was tested once or twice, but faced little in the way of quality chances as the game wore on, as you would expect. Teal will need to fix their attendance issues ASAP if they have any hope of surviving. Siemer, Heinl, and Bender are the ONLY three Teal players to have played in all three games, thus far, and four players (including their injured captain, Leah Gonzales) have missed two of the three games out of the gate. Again, numbers usually add up, and a 60% attendance rate and two team goals in three games absolutely equals zero points in the standings.

The evening slate shifted back to proper parity in the penultimate pairing, with two 1-0-0 teams in the form of Black and Olive squaring off. Captain John Boddy was out of the lineup for Black, which is akin to ‘the engine is out of the car’, given the fear that his skills and stats strike in opponents. Still, plenty of pep and punch in the rest of that Black lineup, and they would need all of it to crack Silas ‘The Silencer’ Perks. Captain Jeremy Copp was FINALLY able to make his season debut after missing his team’s 4-2 win over Brown in Week Four, and Geoff Downes was out to spoil the party for the veteran bright and early. Downes (from Dan Jurgens & Mark Scelfo) buried a wrister over Perks’ shoulder from the point just eighteen seconds into play, stunning Olive and onlookers alike. The remainder of the first was scoreless, as was the second, and the clock seemed on Black’s side as it wound past the halfway point in the third. The clock may have been on Black’s side, but Shelby Shattuck wasn’t. She slipped home the game-tying marker with 3:31 left to play to save the day for her Olive, and move both teams to 1-0-1 with a 1-1 tie. Perks (18/19) was impressive as ever, shaking off the early strike to keep his team in position to pull points from there out, while Ryan Loughran (13/14) has only his 1.00 rookie campaign GAA, and a story about ‘almost outdueling The Silencer’ to comfort him in the sister kiss result. Both teams, of course, remain undefeated…now the only two teams outside of 3-0-0 Red who can still make that claim.

Captain Janine Ulloa finds herself in the same sinking boat this season as fellow captain, Leah Gonzales. Actually, both captains are watching their respective sinking boats from the shores of Injury Island, with Ulloa having suffered a rolled ankle, and Gonzales a busted thumb while doing…other things. With a combined record now of 0-6-0, something is going to have to change for these two teams to find themselves playing in July. It never goes well for a wounded animal who limps into the path of a apex predator, and that is the nutshell narrative for the nightcap, as Captain Joel Gattey’s ravenous Red made quick work of Ulloa’s prime pickings Pink. Nick Vacchio would normally be in nets for Pink, but with his two teams clashing, he doffed the goalie gear, donned the Red shirt, and co-starred in another episode of the Vick & Nick Show™ (at his other team’s expense). It was Tim Vick kicking off the scoring with an unassisted effort with just 0:27 to play in the first, then Captain Gattey at 4:35 in the second (from Vacchio), then a Vacchio solo strike less than a minute later to make it 3-0 Red through two. The third period belonged to the Vick boys, with Trevor rattling off a pair of goals (his FOURTH and FIFTH of the season!), then Papa Vick matching junior’s output with his second of the game (from Jackson Tomaszewski). Pink finally broke Sean Kelly’s shutout bid with 2:38 to play…Jim LaGrossa’s second of the season from Steph Palomo-Schmidt and Mason LaGrossa. Kelly (14/15) improved his gaudy numbers so far this season to 3-0-0/.932/1.33, while a tired and tried Ryan Loughran (15/21) was left spinning in his crease in vain in a fill-in effort at the other end. The 6-1 win for Red means that they have now collected every possible clue to this point, while Pink’s 0-3-0 start leaves them quite literally (and headline-appropriately) ‘clueless’. Both teams face a tough challenge in Week Six, with Pink facing off against undefeated Olive, and Red hoping to stay perfect in a showdown with a potent and peeved Purple.