Episode 1: Ronnie Ponce

I caught up with Ronnie ‘poolside’ at the National City Motel 6 where he ‘hangs out’ on his ‘off days’.  We ‘hung out’ a bit by the ‘pool’, I watched him down an alarming number of expired Four Lokos, and we talked life, love, and SDFHL.  This is how it went down…

Pope:  Ronnie, first let me say, f**k your ‘Doyers’ for sweeping my Giants this past weekend.

Ronnie: Doyer Doyer Doyer Doyer Doyer Doyer Doyer Doyer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here is a fun fact, every time Dan Uggla strikes out, So Cal gets Santa Ana winds.

Pope: Speaking of bad blood, most of us have had our ‘run-ins’ with other players in the league.  You are a rare bird, as you really seem to get along so well with everyone in the SDFHL (and beyond).  Have you ever had a beef with anyone out there on the court?  You can change names to protect the innocent/accused, if need be 🙂

Ronnie: *opens Grape Four Loko* Great question.  I don’t really have beef with anyone.  A former league member pushed it a bit in Vegas (he knows who he is…dirty mother f**ker…and no, not an SD player).   I do have friendly wagers with several members of the league, though.  A certain person (let’s call him P Yu…no, that’s too obvious…let’s call him Peter Y) is a bit behind on payment.  He owes me a few happy hours and mucho cerveza.

Pope: When did you lose your ‘hockey virginity’? Did the first time…hurt a little?

Ronnie: Like Cat Stevens said, the first cut is the deepest.  A young Mexican American Ronald Ponce picked up a hockey stick at the age of twelve.  Roller hockey games are common in Ventura County (yeah, it doesn’t snow here, Canada/East Coast buddies).  The best spot was an abandoned train station warehouse.  The concrete was smooth, and it was in the shade.   Sadly, the abandoned train station warehouse was demolished several years ago.  RIP.

Pope:  Desert island…your coconut-powered iPod has only enough storage for one album, one movie, and one…other piece of media.  Go!

Ronnie: This is like F-Marry-Kill! *opens Blue Raspberry Four Loko*  The movie is easy–Office Space.  That movie is my life sometimes.  Anytime it’s on TV I will watch it.  The album is tough.  I feel like I should have some Yacht Rock or maybe some Hall & Oates.   I flipped a coin, and Bloc Party’s ‘Silent Alarm’ won.  That album just reminds me of college when life was easy.  I just had to make it to class on time, and my bar tabs didn’t exceed $30.  The other media would be Fruit Ninja.  Who doesn’t want to be Gallagher, or Gallagher Dos?

Pope:  You’ve been in the league for years now, and have had a chance to play with huge cross section of the league.  Give me three players you really loved playing with…and why?   Are there any players with whom you have not yet shared a season that you would like to?

Ronnie:  First off, I love everything about this league, and everyone in the league.  I have had the pleasure of playing with some of the best people in San Diego.   Now to the list:

First: Steve Scott.  He is the one who brought me to the league, and I had my best season playing with him and Do’ on a line.  The shenanigans played by Mr. Scott are awesome.

Second: Dorothy Kline.  She was the heart and soul of ‘Team Friendship’.  She was amazing that season, and we just had a blast.

Third: Kris Tosczak.  We have been on a few teams together.  He is always fun to play with, and tends to laugh when I score.  What’s up with that, man?  He also taught me the meaning of Canadian Thanksgiving.

Honorable Mention: Geoff (boat rich), Kurt (Prius rich), School Bus (truck rich), Mara (best shootout goal I have ever seen), Andy (makes the best salsa), Steph (Chico!), Pope (Gigantes son viejos y mohosos), Sean Kelly (see below), Min-Soo (F Chicago), Peter Yu (hoarder) and Janice (silent assassin).

As for the players I have not played an SDFHL season with, there are several.  If I have to choose, I would have to go with [Derek] Lobo–great Vegas captain, but we have not been on the same SDFHL team.  He’s always positive, and for 65, he still has the skills.

Honorable Mention: Don (BMW rich), Alaa (BMW rich) and Alex (makes beer, and who doesn’t like beer?)

Pope: Compare yourself to an NHL player, past or present.

Ronnie: *opens Pineapple Four Loko* This should not surprise anyone.  I have the skills of Wayne Simmonds (Hip Hop with Pop), the speed of Matt Greene, and the heritage of Alec Martinez.

Pope: Eat a pizza, or meet Mike Piazza?

Ronnie: F**k Mike Piazza!  He has beef with the Doyers.  Give me the pizza.  None of that lasagna pizza they have in Chicago.  Yeah, I said it.

Pope:  ‘Ronnie Ponce: The Movie’ has been green lighted.  Give me the short list of actors for the lead role.

Ronnie:  ‘Ronnie Ponce: The Movie’ is a remake of ‘Point Break’, and I am in the Swayze role.  Now, for the actors:

First: Jonah Hill.  He would be the perfect fit–funny guy that tries to make people laugh.   He is the comedy choice.

Second:  Alec Martinez.  He won the cup, and is already in Hollywood.  Give him the role.

Dark Horse: Efren Ramirez. Dude needs a role.  It’s been a while since ‘Napoleon Dynamite’.

Pope:  People have no attention span these days.  Recap your entire life in four sentences or less.

Ronnie: I was born in Thousand Oaks, CA to Ron and Lisa Ponce.  I went to college at Chico State.  I moved to San Diego in the summer of 2006.  Work, work, work all day long.

Pope: You would do anything for love, but you won’t __________.

Ronnie: *belches loudly* *opens Watermelon Four Loko*  Eat salad with dressing.  I eat it like a rabbit, man.  What ever happened to Meat Loaf?

Pope: Walk me through a typical day in the life…

Ronnie: Wake up at 6:00am.  Hit snooze twice.  Shower. Eat breakfast. Brush teeth. Get to work at 7:00am. Work till 4:00ish. Work out (most times).  Log back in to catch up on work. Watch some Doyers highlights.  Start over the next day.   Sleep. Eat. Work. Repeat. Repeat.

The Four Lokos are starting to kick in…

…Ronnie scans the sky, then points to his ‘home planet’.

Pope: Know any good jokes?

Ronnie: Knock Knock
Pope: Who’s there?

Ronnie: Queen

Pope: Queen who?

Ronnie: Queen my dishes, please.  Get it?  Because I said Queen…

Pope:  Yeah, man…awesome stuff there.  Straight up Bazooka Joe.  That is going to kill with Ry and his friends.  Speaking of children, what is one of your favorite childhood memories?

Ronnie: When team USA took down Iceland in Mighty Ducks 2.  OK, for real, during the days when you could tailgate at Chavez Ravine, my dad and his closest pals would gas up the motorhome and go.  He would pull me and my brother out to go to the game.  Nothing like seeing the Doyers on opening day.  I am just going to throw this in…getting to see the Kings win the cup twice in person.  Awesome experience (cue the ‘I Love LA’ song).

Pope:  Yeah…no…I shan’t be cuing that song…dick.  Who has your favorite pair of adulthood mammaries?  JK…just, construct Mrs. Ponce from celebrity parts, por favor.

Ronnie:  Has anyone seen this new Wendy’s girl/spokesperson?  Also, I am tempted to pick Iggy Azalea.  Who doesn’t want a hip hop artist from the suburbs of Australia?  I will make this easy–the looks of the Wendy’s girl, rhymes of Iggy Azalea, and Oprah money.  That is the future Mrs. Ponce.  Oh, a close second to this list is Gal Gadot.  She is the new Wonder Woman, but more famous for her role in Fast Five.  Don Tran is on board with this pick.

Pope:  Creative writing time!  In the spirit of the aforementioned Mighty Ducks, create a fantastical, completely unrealistic climactic scene for Disney’s new SDFHL movie…

Ronnie: Here is where my TV/Movie classes coming into play…

Scene: USA v. Iceland.  Thirty seconds left in the game.  Ducks set up the Flying V…

Location: SDFHL Home Rink: 4S Ranch

Stars: Geoff Appuhn is played by Robert Duvaall (D); Donald Tran is played by Data from the Goonies (D); Min-Soo and Peter Yu are played by Kenny Wu (F) (D2 They are in the Olsen Twin role from ‘Full House’); Kurt Rifbjerg is played by Sideshow Bob (F); Steve Scott played by John Cusack (F).

Flying V moves forward (cut away to scoreboard– 0:29 0:28 0:27…)

[Timeout: I forgot that Geoff’s character is in a wheelchair.]

The ball is moving around the forwards.  Kenny Wu (Peter is in this scene) drops the ball back to Robert Duvall.  Data is pushing him around in the wheel chair.  Robert Duvall gets the shot off (cut away to scoreboard…0:15 0:14 0:13), and the ball deflects off Efren Ramirez (playing me) and goes into the net past Iceland Goalie (D2 played by Nathan West…thanks, IMDB) for the game-winner (cut away to scoreboard…0:03 0:02 0:01 0:00).

The team celebrates, and lifts Robert Duvall onto the shoulders of other team members.

[Camera cuts in for close up of Robert Duvall.]

Duvall: “Vaya con Dios, Brah”

[Fade to black.]

It’s Point Break meets D2.  Direct to DVD.  Gets some run on Fox Family.

Pope:  Wow…gripping stuff!  Tell the people something about yourself that will SHOCK them (or at least amuse them).

Ronnie: I will give you a soft one, a random one, and a shocker:

Soft: Sean Kelly–we played Little League baseball together in the mean streets of Thousand Oaks, CA.  I had no clue he played in the league until I saw him during my first season.

Random: I am an ordained minister, and have performed nine weddings.  Number ten is in September.

Shocker: In my sophomore year of high school, I got busted for lighting fireworks with my friends.  We got busted by the police, and had to perform community service.

Pope:  Last one, and I will let you get back to ‘hanging out’…give me a moment, or a game, or an event in your SDFHL career that is special/memorable to you.

Ronnie: *opens Fruit Punch Four Loko* Lobo would say it was when I made three passes in a row to Bob Delaney in his farewell game…but I was on the other team.  I will go with ‘Team Friendship’.  We are in overtime against Sean Kelly and Black.  I got a pass from Bryan Szeliga, and was able to beat Sean for the game-winner…best moment in SDFHL history.  My jersey is in the hall of fame.  I don’t even remember it– I blacked out.

Pope:  Well, you’ve been a great sport, and I appreciate you being my first guest for this segment.  Let’s switch roles for just one question…shoot!

Ronnie: This is an easy one.  Top three Vin Diesel movies? Go!

Pope:  I can honestly say that I have not seen any of Mr. Diesel’s work.  I hope we can still be friends?  Thanks, Ronnie…I appreciate you taking time out of your ‘busy day’ to chat with me.  Does…ummm…does this place have another restroom anywhere?  The one by the ‘lobby’ is disgusting.

Ronnie: Pope, it has been a pleasure.  I think there is a KFC around the corner.  Take this quarter…it’s coin operated.

Mara informed me (repeatedly) of her ‘very busy schedule’, but she did manage to carve out seventeen minutes for me between ‘aqua Pilates’ and ‘patience practice’.  She wasted nine of those minutes screaming (literally, folks) at ‘Becky’, the teenaged Starbucks ‘manager’ over an (apparent) ‘bad foam ratio’.  I wanted to ask her what a ‘bad foam ratio’ was, but a) didn’t want to waste anymore of our precious time, and b) didn’t want to meet the same fate as ol’ Becks.  So, I absorbed some residual latte rage, swallowed hard, and struggled through the following eight minutes…

Pope:  So, your Starbucks cup reads ‘Moira’.  I just have to confirm before we start…you are indeed Mara Bernd née Libuser?

Mara:  Umm, yes.  You’ve known me for seventeen years, Mark.

Pope:  Right…I’m pretty sure you’re you…sorry.  Funny…’Moira’…sounds so….Jewish.  I mean, not that being Jewish is funny.  Hey, my wife is Jewish, so I’m not judging here.  Lots of great people are Jewish.  Lots of funny people are Jewish.  Adam Sandler is Jewish, and he was in a movie actually titled ‘Funny People’…with Seth Rogen…who I think is also Jewish.  Rogen totally reminds me of my cousin, Rick.  He brews great coffee…good ‘foam ratio’, I’m told.  ‘He brews’…heh…Freudian slip.  Anyway, you’re Mara, not Moira.  Where was I?

Mara: *blank stare* *foamy latte sip* *mumbles something unprintable about ‘Becky’* *scowl*

Pope:   OK, here we go…  So, I don’t want to ask you too many of the same questions I asked Ponce.  I’m really going for the chick audience with this installment, so take us back to the early ’90’s…UCSD Rec Gym…a dreamy goalie with a rich, thick mane of hair starts making eyes at you.  Josh is standing behind that guy, staring at that rich, thick mane of hair…and he kind of notices you, too.  He can’t have that hair, but maybe (JUST MAYBE) he can have you…

Mara:  Yeah, I give you credit for introducing us…sort of.  Although we were on the same inaugural Spring League 1997 ‘Blue Balls’ team at the UCSD Rec Gym, Josh and I didn’t remember each other the following spring. I blame the fact that he was wearing a goalie mask the whole time…what was his excuse?  So, while watching a game in spring 1998, for some reason you felt compelled to say “Josh, this is Mara. Mara, this is Josh”…and, the rest is history…but let me tell you herstory (ha ha).

 *crickets* (yes, diurnal, unimpressed crickets)

Despite dropping very obvious hints (that everyone else apparently picked up on), Josh never asked me out.  Never!  Well, maybe once or twice about a year or two ago.  I asked him out to our first three dates–the first via email (with sweaty fingers, and a racing heart).  We had a nice time having a Cinnabon, watching “Scream 2” (my choice, so I could jump in his lap), eating pizza for dinner, and then coffee.  After the first date, I thought that he would just be a fun fling, since I wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship at the time.

Pope:  Wow.  So, so far we’ve learned that Josh is not all that perceptive (or was, perhaps, ‘confused’ in college), that you were kind of a slut back then, and that you ate Cinnabon and pizza with sweaty fingers…hot.  OK, so, when I was really little, I used to think that ‘you can be anything you want to be when you grow up’ meant you could be a bear, or an eagle, or a rocket ship.  I also scolded my mom once for ‘drinking and driving’…she almost spit Diet Pepsi all over the windshield.  What did you REALLY want to be when you were a little girl?

Mara:  *checks watch* *rolls eyes*  Maybe because I grew up in Santa Monica, I really wanted to be an actress. Or, maybe all little girls want to be an actress at one time or another.  My mom would always suggest that we go to a casting call sometime, but we never did.  In the summer after first grade, I was in a production at a local theatre, and I memorized the entire play the first week.  Too bad I only had two lines, if that.  But, I don’t think it would’ve worked out…I’m way too self-conscious, and not exactly the type that studios are looking for. Although, I do get that I look like Sarah Silverman or Alanis Morissette.

Mara:   The clean answer would be that I like to eat sugar cereals, even for dinner (when the kids are not around). Apple Jacks, Cap’n Crunch, Froot Loops, Honey Smacks, Corn Pops, you name it. I also like almost all carnival foods: caramel apples, cotton candy, corn dogs, kettle corn, churros, etc. I want to have a party where there is a smorgasbord of these foods, but I’m not sure who would come. Pope:  Too funny! I was just going to suggest that you look like Sarah Silverman…hadn’t really thought of it until recently.  Alanis Morisette…I suppose I can see that, too…ironically enough.  Though, you don’t want to be associated with a dirty Canadian girl who will ‘go down on [guys] in a theater’…do you?  Actually, let’s leave that question rhetorical, and move on…  My guilty pleasure is masturbation ‘taking a lap’ at Target, and blowing $150 in the process.  Sure, I went there for paper towels and cat litter, but hey, I’m an ugly American.  What is/are your guilty pleasure(s)?

Pope:  Gross.  We’ll get that ‘unclean’ answer from you when we start charging for access to this blog.  OK, multiplayer art contest!  I asked you to draw an elephant riding a bicycle, then ask you to ask Haley, Casey, and Josh to do the same.  Here are the fruits of your labor.  I will leave it to our adoring fan base (*rim shot*) to guess who drew which, and who drew it best.  [Answers at the bottom of the page]

Pope:  I’m obligated to pose at least one straight-faced SDFHL question, so…here goes.  Our league has always been co-ed, and we have come a long way since the days of two point female goals and ‘mandatory sports bra inspections’ (Isaac was damn near jailed for that little gem).  Do you think the league does enough to attract female players, and to incorporate them in the flow of the game?  How can we do better?

Mara:  OK, *serious hat on*…I don’t think the league is doing anything outwardly proactive in terms of recruiting females.  We’re getting really low on women every season. We can only field two women per team nowadays, when in the past we used to have at least three.  But, that was back when we probably had fewer teams, and even further back when we had to have two women on the floor at any time – is that right?  Maybe my mind is making stuff up.  In any case, I’m always on the look-out for new female blood.  I probably get lots of strange looks from people when I try to get them to come out and play a physically demanding sport that they’ve never tried before with men twice their size, especially after they’ve seen me with bruises on all parts of my body as a result of said sport.

I was worried about changing the female goal rule, thinking that it would make guys pass to us even less often than they do already.  However, according to the stats (Linke?), we’re scoring just as much, if not more than before the rule change.  I wish that guys would pass to us more, though.  I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been wide open for a pass right in front of the net, but my male teammate decides for the crazy glory shot instead.  I’m not saying that I’m going to get a clean shot on net every time or even half the time, but I think my odds are better than when my guy has two defenders on him.  At least there are rare times when both females are out on the rink and we pass to each other, resulting in a goal, right Melissa B.?

I’m not sure what the league itself can do to incorporate females into the flow of the game more.  Guys will decide on their own what to do when the time comes, I suppose.  I try to get out on Thursdays and improve my play and endurance, so females could probably help themselves by using that time to do the same.  As far as recruitment, I think current players should just spread the word among the people they know, and hopefully we will get enough females each season for balanced teams.

Pope:  Sorry, I tuned out after ‘crazy glory shot’…sorry…the mind goes where the mind goes.  Anyhoo…follow up question–which male player in the league do you feel is the best at passing to female players/incorporating females into the game play?

Mara:  I don’t think I’ve played with all of the male players, and my memory is fading with my old age, so this might be a little biased towards people I’ve played with more recently. So of course, Matt Riordan comes to mind, especially since I played with him a lot these last few seasons. I remember before we started ending up on the same team together a lot, he was on a team with Shawna Hamon, and he was great at giving her passes. I was excited to be on that kind of offensive line with him, but unfortunately, I’m not as skilled as Shawna, and I didn’t quite use those opportunities to the fullest like she did (i.e. scoring).

Pope:  Happiness is eating _________, while having my ________ rubbed by _____________ and watching reruns of ___________.  Everything is perfect today — the kids _____________, Josh is actually ________, for once, and I am serenaded throughout the day by my favorite artist/band, ____________.  As the sun begins to set, I am handed a ‘prefect foam ratio’ latte on board my private jet flight to _____________, where I will rendezvous with me all time hunky celebrity crush, ______________, for four days and five nights of ___________ and ___________.

Mara:  Happiness is eating chocolate-covered strawberries, while having my feet rubbed by trained flying monkeys, and watching reruns of I Love Lucy.  Everything is perfect today — the kids are training to be ninja spies, Josh is actually cooking dinner, for once, and I am serenaded throughout the day by The Cure.  As the sun begins to set, I am handed a ‘perfect foam ratio’ latte Thai iced tea on board my private jet flight to New Zealand, where I will rendezvous with my all-time hunky celebrity crush, George Clooney, for four days and five nights of eco-touring and thrill-seeking.

Pope:  Some of us have pets, but all of us have pet peeves.  We polled one Mara Bernd, and asked her ‘What is your biggest pet peeve’?  The top five answers are on the board…

Mara: *gives me the ‘I’m busy’ one finger up move* *texts vigorously*  Well, you know how much I hate certain grammatical errors that people make. I’m not a great writer or grammarian by any means, but when people say or write things like “less people” instead of “fewer people,” it really chaps my hide. I also get bugged by certain nameless people not loading the dishwasher properly, rude drivers not using their turn signals, and the same certain nameless people not turning off the lights when they leave a room. This one really gets me – people who interrupt! I try not to do it myself, but of course everyone has a moment or two of weakness.  But people who consistently interrupt when you’re trying to tell a story or even answer a question they asked, UGH! So annoying!  And, thank you for not interrupting me during this rant, Mark.

Pope:  You’re welcome.  I can pretend to pay attention with the best of them.  So, I’m putting you in charge of the 2015 ‘Men Of The SDFHL’. Give me January-December, including a brief description of the scene/costume/pose/what have you.  You get MASSIVE bonus points if you can get any of your men of the month to execute the scene/pose/theme you have created.

Mara:  Oh my, I’ll have to think long and hard about this one…

Pope:  Long and hard…that’s what…

Mara:  Yes, I know!  ‘She’ said that…you’re so unbelievably clever!  Now, where was I?

[Editor’s Note:  Please have the kids leave the room now…]

Mara:  January – Let’s start off the year with Jason Remple–a solid choice, I must say, given his solid body (and he supposedly doesn’t even work out!). It’s a snowy day on a frozen lake, and the poor guy only has on his skates and skivvies. He doesn’t care and is posed to play with his stick in his hand.

Pope:  Down, girl!

Mara: February – I’m giving the month of love to Josh, of course. He feels compelled to celebrate the holiday he despises, and offers up a large heart-shaped box of chocolates, which is carefully positioned in front of his smooth, bare bod. Cheesy, but classic.

Pope:  My god, woman…think of the children!

Mara: March – For my birth month, there is a competition between the Matts (Riordan and Macauley) and the Marks (DeGraffenreid and Daquipa). They are playing chicken in the waves of La Jolla Shores, Riordan on Macauley’s shoulders and DeGraffenreid on Daquipa’s. Speedos are the fashion accessory de jour.

Pope:  Oh…would you look at the time!  Incidentally, we got this, Daquipa!

Mara: April – …is the month of the Bobs (continuing my multiple men per month theme). Bob Teglia is posing for a sculpture by artist Bob Jones. The scene is industrial. Teglia is dripping with grease and sweat, smiling in that mischievous way that he does, which can only mean he knows something you want to know but he won’t tell you what it is.  Jones, also dripping with grease and sweat, looks perplexed but still manages to create a masterpiece out of wire and a carefully placed, up-angled hockey blade.

Pope: *speechless gape*

Mara: May – Derek Lobo is the featured player for this month. He is sitting on the edge of a large mahogany desk, arms and legs crossed. Bookcases line the walls, a nighttime panorama of downtown San Diego glows from the back window. Yes, a perfect office for a high-profile attorney.  He sports a sly, mysterious grin, a tie, and not much else. He face seems to say, “Let me see your portfolio,” and you can’t help but acquiesce.

Pope:  Well, you stopped short of making a ‘joining his firm’ joke, I guess I’ll give you that…

Mara: June – Don “The Collector” Tran is lying down on his side in front of his massive collection of goalie gear, his head resting in his palm. He is buck naked, and the only thing preserving his modesty is a strategically placed goalie helmet.

Pope:  *looks incredulously at camera, a la Jim from The Office*  *weeps for our children*

Mara: July – This month is dedicated to our country’s more recent immigrants.  In the spirit of our forefathers, who welcomed the tired, the poor, the huddled masses…but in this case, the strong, the talented, and those enveloped in the colors of red, white, and blue.  Yes, revealing just his backside, Dale Stuzka’s birthday suit is painted in the colors of our flag. But, please no flag pole.

 Pope:  Holy hell, Mara!  Have you no mercy?!

Mara: August – This hot and moist month will feature the already-colorful men of the league: Gary Peters and Steve Jones. To highlight their tattooed bodies, Gary and Steve are draped over couch-sized blocks of ice, recovering from the overbearing summer heat. They have just finished playing their games, and disrobing down to their boxer briefs on the frigid ice perked them up just enough to give the ladies a show of their hardened bodies.

Pope: …clearly not.

Mara: September – For the back-to-school month, this teacher will school viewers on his manliness. A topless Walter Solomon flexes in front of a chalkboard (yes, a chalkboard – not a whiteboard or Promethean board), sketched with his top hockey plays.  I’m not sure if the women students can avoid being distracted, and actually manage to learn a thing or two, but they are happy to be there.

Pope:  Walter…teaches underage girls (and boys)…for the record…you sick, sick woman.

Mara: October – Andy Strathman removes one of his fake teeth to create a Jack-o-Lantern-type aura.  Nobody is truly scared of him, though (except for his slap shot) because his smile exudes warmth and good cheer for this fun-filled holiday month. Standing nude in a darkened cobwebbed doorway, Andy offers up a bowl of chocolates at crotch level to whoever is brave enough to come forward.

 Pope:  This…this I can get into.  Can you send me more of your ideas on this?

Mara: November – Ladies get to imagine the different ways to stuff themselves when they see Jerry Gonzales lying in front of them, covered in all the bounty of Thanksgiving yumminess. That is all.

Pope:  *spits foamy latte everywhere*  MARA!  ‘..imagine the different ways to stuff themselves’?!  Are you even hearing yourself?!

Mara: December – Who wouldn’t be happy opening up a gift containing the lovable Geoff Appuhn?

Pope: *raises hand*

Mara: He’s all decked out in ribbons and bows…and that’s it. His beaming smile lures women to unwrap him to discover if he’s naughty or nice.

Pope:  Well…I’m taking three showers tonight, and I will be Googling ‘mind enemas’, posthaste…thanks a bunch.  So, ladies...here is your chance to vote on which of Mara’s calendar pages you most want to see come to life.  I can’t promise anything, but we will make every effort to make that shoot happen…for charity, of course (certainly for no other sane reason):

Pope:  Mara, we’re doing away with the draft, and you have to stick with one of your SDFHL teams from seasons past.  Which team?  Why?

Mara:  I have a bad memory for some things, so again I’ll have to go with recent events. It will probably have to be Don’s Gold team from Fall 2013 –‘Go Banana!’ – with Alaa Razoky, Andy Strathman, Bob Jones, Don Tran, Eric Willard, Johnathan Scofield, Karen Linke, Matt Riordan, and Steve Noceti. Our team really gelled and got along all season, which probably helped us win the cup in the end. I loved the team so much, I tried to recreate it when I captained the following season (‘Go Diva!’). I was able to get about half of the team together, but it just wasn’t the same.

Pope:   You obviously have some hockey skills, but what is your hidden (or funny, or freakish) talent?  You will get massive bonus points for a short video clip of said talent.  Keep it clean, please!

Mara:  Keep it clean? Well, there goes my one and only talent. Aside from that, I’m pretty talentless. It’s sad.

 

Pope:  Just when I thought this interview could not get any more depraved…wow!  OK, you know that I hate your home town of Santa Monica.  It’s nothing personal, I’m sure it’s a lovely place (when a homeless lady isn’t randomly popping out of a bush and hurling a 40oz bottle full of urine at you, and homeless people aren’t coming INTO the McDonald’s to ask if they can have some of your fries, and the 3rd Street Promenade restaurant you just ate at doesn’t have a ‘B’ in the window….but, I digress).  Again, I am sure it is a lovely place.  Give us a glimpse into your magical childhood in that magical town, and tell us about your first exposure to hockey…

Mara:  I was ultra competitive with my older brother, so I played a lot of sports when I was little–primarily soccer and softball. When I was in high school, I played soccer in the fall and in the spring, instead of playing softball, I chose to run on the track team.  I was a sprinter and hurdler, with a little shot put on the side.

I went to college at UCSD, and I roomed across the hall in Muir’s Tenaya Hall from Greg Willis. I guess he thought I might be OK at floor hockey, since we talked about how I used to play soccer, so he invited me to play on his rec team freshman year.  Every year after that, I told Greg not to lose my number so I could keep playing hockey with him (and we played softball together for a few years, too).  He was better at returning calls back then, and we played together every year until this league started.  I was nervous about being drafted, so I finally bought some hockey gloves, and wore shin guards more regularly…protecting my shins overcame my vanity.  I’ve been playing in the league ever since, except for a couple seasons when I was pregnant.
 

Pope:  Yeah…weren’t using so much protection THEN, were you?  OK, we do need to retain at least some of our male audience.  So, not that you swing this way, but if you had to make out with one of the SDFHL ladies, it would be ____________.  You just couldn’t resist her ____________.

Mara: I had to make out with one of the SDFHL ladies, it would be Janet. I just couldn’t resist her cute little nose.

Mara:  I’ll be nice here…where did you get your mad writing skills? It’s fortunate that you have an outlet with writing for our league, but what about a career in it?

Pope:  Awesome…NOW you decide to shift it back to G-rated…just peachy.  You can tune back out now, boys! A few minutes ago, you’re describing male bodies like meat, and….you know what…whatever…high road…moving on.  After firing that one at you, I’ll give you the same courtesy I gave Ponce…one retaliatory question…

Pope:  Thanks, that’s a nice segue…going soft.  Well, the brutally honest answer is that I have pretty low self esteem in most regards, and a crippling sense of humility (thanks a lot, parents).  So, while I do occasionally pat myself on the back for this or that, I don’t think I honestly have the confidence to exploit any of my true talents.  That’s probably super buzzkilly TMI, but there’s your answer on the ‘career in writing’ front.  I will acknowledge that I consider myself a reasonably adept writer, and that I am sometimes quite proud of things I have written, but that’s about as much self-adulation as you will squeeze out of me at this time.

Pope:  I’ve asked five of your fellow players to sum you up in three words.  Your job is to match the summary with the summarizer…

• Deborah Finucane
• Dale Stuzka
• Steph
• Derek Lobo
• Dorothy Kline

• Hot/Tough/Friendly
• Frugal/QVC/99¢
• Funny/Caring/Thoughtful
• Thrifty/Filofax/Shugga Free
• Innocent/Little/Me

Mara:

• Deborah Finucane…Frugal/QVC/99¢…NAILED IT
• Dale Stuzka…Funny/Caring/Thoughtful…FAIL
• Stephanie …Thrifty/Filofax/Shugga Free…NAILED IT
• Derek Lobo…Hot/Tough/Friendly…FAIL
• Dorothy Klin…Innocent/Little/Me…FAIL

Pope:  Correct answers:

• Deborah Finucane…Frugal/QVC/99¢
• Dale Stuzka…Hot/Tough/Friendly
• Steph…Thrifty/Filofax/Shugga Free
• Derek Lobo…Innocent/Little/Me
• Dorothy Klin…Funny/Caring/Thoughtful

Pope:  So, your female friends think you’re cheap, and your male friends want to bone you…noted.  Once upon a time, your nickname was ‘Da Bruiser’.  That was when you were ‘Mara Libuser’…even though ‘bruiser’ doesn’t really rhyme with ‘Libuser’.  So, here is your chance to give yourself a new nickname (if you so desire).  I am also going to require you to nickname at least five other players in the league…

Mara: My new nickname is ‘Sweetie-Pie’, because I can’t stand it if anybody doesn’t like me. Yeah, that sucks, I know. I’m also not very creative.

Mara: I wanted to try using the first parts of people’s names, but some of them didn’t come out too well, especially Ray’s (Ray Purcell = Raypur).

Pope:  Back to the blue humor, I see…awesome times.  Incidentally, that is hilarious!

Mara:  Alaa is “The Alaabama Slammer”.  She’s a tough chick.  I really loved being on the same team as her for three straight seasons, but it’s scary to play against her.  Remember, she’s Alan’s sister.

Mike “Bombshell” Froman – He’s unassuming in many ways, then he hits you with double entendres, taking the reins, and being a nuisance defender that I can’t get around.  And…he’s cute.

Pope: ‘Taking the reins’?  ‘He’s cute’?  What the hell is going on here?  Josh…are you reading this?

Mara: Min-Soo “Roadrunner” Smith – Yep, ‘cause he’s fast. Although, theRoadrunner was much better at stopping, like before falling over a cliff.  At least Min-Soo has walls to stop him.

Pope:  Awwww, schnap!  Shots fired!

Mara: Sholom Meyer, who sadly moved away, is “The Hebrew Hammer.” He can adjust his yarmulke while deking through an entire team… then score.

I’m really bad at thinking up nicknames, so that’s it for me.

Pope:  Well, you’re certainly not great at it, but…you tried.  The lesson is…never try.  Moving on to another thing you probably suck at, please create a short story (no more than a few paragraphs) featuring at least 2-3 members of the league, and all of the following:

– a unicorn

– big hoop earrings

– magic pants

– all you can eat

– sexting

– big, bushy fro

– drinking game

– shame

– bi-curiosity

– a ‘moral of the story’

Mara:  Once upon a time, a unicorn was sexting Eddie Zuniga, when she got interrupted by a call from her ex, Mark DeGraffenreid.  He was begging her for forgiveness, ashamed about his behavior when they were together.  He used to make fun of her big hoop earrings and would try to use her horn in unnatural ways.  She wasn’t sure if she should take him back, so she went to an all-you-can-eat vegan restaurant to sort things out.  Coincidentally, she ran into another ex, Jeremy Copp, who was sporting a big, bushy fro.

Pope:  Imagine that…

Mara:  Enticed by this style change, the unicorn struck up a conversation with him, and was eventually invited to his house (presumably to see his new ‘magic pants’). This was a ploy on Jeremy’s part, who got her wasted during a drinking game where they took a shot every time Ronnie Ponce laughed during a pre-recorded playoff game.  Jeremy sought to satisfy the unicorn’s prior bi-curiosity by setting her up with Steph.

Pope:  Go on…!

Mara:  The unicorn sobered up fast once she realized Jeremy’s intentions and stormed out. She had enough with these San Diego hockey men and moved to Sweden. 

Pope:  You suck.  Really, this isn’t shtick anymore…you suck!  OK, I don’t want you to be late for ‘patience practice’, so…big finish…lightning round!  Cat, or dog?  Chunky, or smooth?  One goal, or two assists?  Sky dive, or mountain climb?  Ron W, or Harry P?  Aisle, window, or middle?  Chest and arms, or abs and butt?  Hickey bruise on your neck, or hockey bruise on your face?  4S, or Escondido?  Coke, or Pepsi?  Set plans, or seat of your pants?

Mara: Dog.  Chunky.  Two assists.  Sky dive (although I’ve done both).  Ron W., but only after puberty. Window (I can hold it).  That next one is hard to choose…I’ll go with chest and arms. This one is tough, too…hickey bruise on my neck, I guess.

Pope: *cough*SLUT*cough*

Mara:  Definitely 4S. Neither – soda is yucky.  I’m a huge planner, so Josh would go ballistic if I chose “seat of my pants.” But, I like to be spontaneous when I don’t have any set plans…how’s that?

Pope:  Makes…perfect sense…like at least 13% of the rest of your answers.  Well, you have gone above and beyond, ‘Sweetie-Pie’.  I think it’s pretty safe to say that you one (or two, or three) upped Mr. Ponce.  As a special reward, I hereby bestow you with the power to select the next ‘SDFHL Sunday Conversation’ guest…

Mara:  One of the quiet ones…Steve Linke or Andy Strathman

Pope:  Super…you REALLY know how to pick ’em.  Hey, I’m probably headed back into Starbucks…you want me to apologize to Becky for you?

Mara: You tell that **** that if I ever catch her on the ****ing street, I will turn her ****ing stupid green apron blood ****ing red.  BLOOD ****ING RED!

 [Editor’s Note:  That first ‘****’ was ‘the big one’, folks]

Pope:  Ummm…K.  You enjoy that ‘patience practice’, Mara.  Practice, practice, practice!

Mara: **** YOU!

Pope: Stuck the dismount there, ‘Sweetie-Pie’…stay classy!

Artist Answers:     A)    Casey  B)    Josh  C)    Mara  D)    Haley