Captain Steph Palomo Schmidt’s ‘Pearl Chen’s Summer Tour’ has hit rock bottom, as every team in the league currently has them in their rear view mirror (reference check). A win over Blue in Week Four had the band amped (*rim shot*), and with every team technically making the playoffs, White is still very much alive (reference check), but their season will fade to black (reference check) quickly if they can’t win more than once (reference check) in five tries…

Captain Mark Nagy’s ‘SubLime’ shocked the world (well, the world, minus me…my faith never wavered) with two convincing wins to start their season, but rolled into Week Five after suffering a convincing loss to Pink. Grey entered the week with a 2-1-1 record and a bit of a strut, and had to love seeing Arron Cooney and proud papa, Eric Willard, out of Lime’s lineup. Alex Theis (21/22) earned his paycheck in the first period alone, stopping all ten Grey shots in a scoreless first, but Jim LaGrossa finally broke through with the game-winner with 3:11 to play in the middle stanza. Brandon Olsen and Rob Gaudio each collected an assist on the play, and each were assessed minor penalties in a heated third that, like the first, saw no scoring. Parsa Mostafavi (15/15) recorded his first career shutout, and improved his record to an impressive 3-0-1. Grey now stands in a virtual tie with Pink at the top of the standings, but they do hold the head-to-head tie breaker, should the race for the top playoff seed come down to the wire. The 1-0 loss drops Lime back to .500 at 2-2-0, leaving them in a middle of the pack mush with three other teams, including their Week Six opponent, Gold. They will look to snap their slide, but will have to do so without Theis, and possibly (again) without the services of a diaper-changing Willard.

If you read the headline, you know that White did not make their way to a W last Sunday, but the box scores magnify the woes of their 1-3-1 record. Captain Steph Palomo Schmidt’s crew has allowed five goals in three of their five games to this point, and have surrendered twenty total goals to this point…more than double most other teams in the league. It was another five upside their heads again in Week Five, this time courtesy of a hot and cold Gold. Brian Sheptycki turned in a POTW performance with a goal in the first, and a goal and an assist in the second. Second rounder, Mark Ennsmann, contributed a goal and three helpers, and Maureen Ruchhoeft and Captain Will Heinl himself capped the scoring for Gold in the 5-1 win. White’s team namesake, Jeff Chen, provided the only response for White, and the only blemish on Nick Meglich’s sheet (23/24) midway through the third. Gold took full advantage of the absence of one of White’s primary weapons (Alex DaCosta) and primary shields (Rob LaVigne), evening their record at 2-2-0 with the runaway win. Cory Brin’s valiant effort (30/35) was, alas, in vain. White take comfort in the fact that even the lowest, limpest team still has a shot at the second season. Still, winning isn’t everything, but it sure beats losing…

Four goals in less than three minutes of the first period…surely the final was something like 9-8. Nope…Atomic Blue and Green blew their respective loads in a short span (story of my life), wrapping the first period at the 2-2 score that would hold as the final. Greg Wirth gave Atomic the lead at 3:02 in the first, Captain Joe Malki answered for Green at 1:35, Papa Chris Malki put Green in front 2-1 at 0:57, and Zach Salt found the equalizer at 0:16. Wayne Wong (18/20) and Don Tran (20/22) were happy to have the scoring bonanza behind them, holding on for dear life the rest of the way to earn their team a point in the standings. That point has Green at 2-2-1…good enough for third place (bearing in mind that five of the six teams below them have only played four games), while Atomic Blue find themselves on the wrong side of .500 at 1-2-1. More blues for Atomic…they face frontrunners Grey in Week Six, while Green look to keep cellar-dwelling White right in their place.

‘Karnsma Police’, much like ‘SubLime’ began the season with a win-win bang, and much the same as SubLime, they have since fizzled to a loss-loss lull. It was ‘no Salt, no Jurgens, no problem’ for Pink and their stalwart backstop, Sean Kelly (17/18), who was his customary superhuman self in the 2-1 win. Chuck Bender (4/6) was much less tested, but twice bitten…with the final bite coming courtesy of an odd man rush in the final minutes of play. Joe Nguyen was that odd man, converting Matt Gottfried’s centering feed at 1:18 to break the one all tie and propel Pink to an stunning coup of a win. Zach Siemer had put Pink on the board at 6:47 in the first, and that lead held until Geoff Downes finally solved ‘Da Kid’ on the power play at 5:27 in the third. The win keeps Pink nestled at the top of the standings with a record of 3-1-1, and drops Blue back into the middle of the pack morass at 2-2-0. It’s scary to think about what Pink will look like with all of their pieces presents, accounted for, and uninjured/uncompromised. There is a month of games left to play, but…Cup favorites?

Orange and Grey rolled into their Week Four meeting with matching sample platter records (1-1-1). Without heavy hitter, David Schlatter, and heaviest of hitters, Eric Herrmann, Orange would have to find some ‘depth scoring’, and/or a game-stealing effort from Chris Tran. They got the former (if we can even consider ‘The Deputy’ to be ‘depth’, at this point), with Kevin Dinino equalizing a first period strike from Jordan Pynn early in the second. The latter ‘key to the game’ unraveled later in the second, as a trio of tallies found twine behind Tran in a span of 1:32 to tilt the score in favor of Grey, 4-1. Hima Joshi (talk about depth!) scored her first of the season, and Rob Gaudio poured in this third and fourth, with the second serving as the power play game-winner. Chuck Russell responded for Orange with a power play punch of his own, cutting the lead to 4-2 with just one tick left on the second period clock. It was ‘The Deputy’ again (definitely not ‘depth’) midway through the third to keep the tension on, but Justin Stege deflated the drama balloon, converting with 1:22 remaining to seal the 5-3 win for Grey. Gaudio’s 2 and 2 was good enough for POTW honors, Parsa Mostafavi (13/16) earned his second career win, and Jim LaGrossa collected another four assists, bringing his total to TEN through four games. LaGrossa actually leads all scorers this season with twelve points (2 and 10), with Gaudio in the second spot with eight (4 and 4…in one less game than LaGrossa), and…you guessed it, The Deputy holding a share of the bronze position with seven (3 and 4).

All good things must come to an end…even for a moves-like-Jagger-juggernaut like my personal odds-on Cup favorite, ‘SubLime’. Captain Mark Nagy’s crew sprinted out of the opening gate this season, dispatching their first two opponents by a combined 9-2 margin, and the confidence was brimming to the…well, brim, as they took the court to face Captain Jon Salt’s ‘Fembots’. Pink’s 1-1-1 mark coming in meant that they were certainly beatable, especially if Lime could contain the captain, who had been successfully contained (zero points) in two of three games coming in. It’s that ‘other game’ that is the dangerous one. Week Two…Salt erupted for four goals. Week Four…2 and 1 would do nicely, with Matt Gottfried, Arnold Gonzales, and Joe Nguyen all getting into the act, as well. Five goals is a lot to overcome, especially when you realize you need to put five (or more) past Sean Kelly to avoid the L. Spoiler alert…Lime did not avoid the L, although they did avoid being shut out, thanks to Shelby Shattuck’s late third period slice of vengeance. Still, it was a first loss, and a 5-1 beatdown loss, at that, for SubLime…so much for that perfect season. Alex Theis (17/22) suffered the knockout in this battle of heavy weight netminders, with Kelly (11/12) cruising to his second win of the season, and driving his numbers up to their usual lofty perch in the goalie ranks. Our locker room reporter caught up with a very fat, very sweaty Steve Linke after the loss, who (between deep wheezes, and some gurgling fat guy noises) graciously credited ‘that skinny guy on the other team…the captain, with the hard shot’ as being the difference maker in this one. Profound insight, fatso…you’re a regular ESPN analyst.

You typically expect to find a Malki team smashing and bashing through teams with relative ease, but this season’s Malki mob is finding a bit more fight in their foes. Coming in at 1-2-0, and coming off a 4-0 loss to (admittedly, powerhouse) SubLime, a one-Malki-down ‘Tranaconda’ crew looked to right the proverbial ship against Captain Will Heinl’s ‘Gold Will Hunting’. The missing Malki was none other than Captain Joe, but Pops furthered his claim to the ‘Better Malki’ belt, scoring in the first to take the lead, and in the second to take the lead (again). That first Gold goal came courtesy of Maureen Ruchhoeft (depth), but Green held a two goal lead to start the third, after Nick Vacchio made it 3-1 with his first of the year late in the second. Brian Sheptycki (opposite of depth) cut the lead to one midway through the third, but ‘Too Tall’ Tyler Winstead found the empty net to seal Gold’s fate, 4-2. Nick Meglich (18/21) earned third star honors for valor in spite of the loss, while Don Tran (14/16) evened his record, and that of his team at 2-2-0 with the bounce back win. Gold is going the wrong way, having dropped their last two after an impressive 5-2 debut over Orange. They will look to get back to .500 against fellow 1-2-0’s, White, while Green look to catch up with the lead pack with a good result against Atomic Blue.

Captain Ryan Karns’ ‘Karnsma Police’ strutted into Week Four warmups as the only remaining unbeaten. A scoreless first saw White holding the edge in play and shots on goal, but Geoff Downes had the L-less in front with his second of the season late in the second. White responded with two goals in nine seconds to flip things in their favor (Steve Goncalo, and Josh Wirt) early in the third, and Andy Strathman converted on the power play to make it 2-2 down the stretch. It was Wirt again, working through a weird, weak wrister past Chuck Bender (23/26) to make White 3-2 winners. Cory Brin (23/25) was in top form, making all (but two) of the stops from ho-hum to hum-baby to notch his first W of the Sprummer campaign. So, White’s first win meant Blue’s first loss, and things are getting cozy in the standings at the halfway point. White will look to repeat the winning feat against Gold, while Blue will hope to get back to their winning ways against a tough (but reportedly ‘sodium-free’) Pink in Week Five.

Eric Willard got Lime, and his POTW campaign, off on the right foot early in the first, and doubled the damage late in the second. Meanwhile, Alex Theis made a sparkling Sprummer debut, coming off a monster season for reigning champs, ‘Purple Reign’. Theis stopped all twenty-two shots he faced, making Willard’s first strike the only one needed to punch out Green. Vance Morra padded the lead in the third, and Mike Chiaco iced things with an empty netter (from Willard) to produce the 4-0 final, and boost ‘SubLime’ to a namesake-worthy 2-0-0 start. I don’t know why so many people doubted this obvious juggernaut-to-be back in late April…some people just have no foresight. Speaking of foresight, there is no looking back for Lime, now setting their Week Four sights on Pink, who have sample plattered things, to this point (1-1-1). Captain Joe Malki and ‘Tranaconda’ hope to prove that there ‘is snakes out der dis big‘ (again, people…culture!) when they face off against a 1-1-0 Gold this Sunday.

Captain Chad Goins and ‘Hakuna Mostafa’ came into Week Three with no wins, no points, and now…no Zach Salt. The Atomic Blue locker room was surely not a hotbed of optimism in the lead-up to a meeting with ‘Gold Will Hunting’. Sample size aside, Gold was all a-bling after a crush and cast aside 5-2 win over Orange, and the low sodium lineup on the other bench had to have them salivating for another W. Brian Sheptycki had that salivation turning to surety with his first of the season less than two minutes in, but Carl Vankoughnett enhanced his SDFHL scoring CV (see what I did there) with the equalizer later in the frame (from Jon Zygelman and Mostafa Azab). A scoreless second saw more of Nick Meglich (18/20) working hard, and Wayne Wong (4/5) hardly working, as the tie score held in spite of the lopsided shots/chances. Another Vankoughnett shot/chance finally did find twine (this time from Luke Wolmer and Greg Wirth), and that tally would stand as the game-winner for Atomic Blue, 2-1 over Gold.

Again, sample size is a thing for a reason, but ten games into the Sprummer 2022 season saw six blowouts, and just one game that was decided by less than two goals. Parity finally came to the party in W3/G3, as White and Grey battled back and forth to the bitter end. Josh Wirt had White on top in the first, and assisted on Alexis DaCosta’s fourth of the young season early in the second. Brandon Olsen finally made his SDFHL debut for Grey, and cut the lead in half with his first career goal, and Jim LaGrossa made the last second of the second period count to bring the count to 2-2. Encores from both DaCosta and Olsen (in that order) kept things square, with Olsen’s powerplay marker saving Grey from a second loss in three tries, and serving up a 3-3 tie to both teams. Cory Brin (19/22) and Parsa Mostafavi (12/15) were solid (I assume), though both now sport a save percentage that sags below .900. It’s early, but goaltending has proven to be a key ingredient in (at least recent) Cup runs…

OK, there’s parity, and then there’s paucity…no one (outside of fútbol fans) wants to see a 0-0 tie. Well, like it our not, that’s what we got in the Week Three nightcap. Nothing…we got…nothing. Chris Tran (15/15) and Sean Kelly (23/23) got something, of course…another SO on their career charts, and a point in the standings for their respective teams, but…we paid for blood! <== That’s a record third Simpsons reference in one week, if you’re scoring at home. Captain Jon Salt actually relayed to me that Kelly himself said of this effort that it was ‘the best he has ever played’! That is certainly not ‘nothing’, especially given the considerable and consistent conquests chalked up over Kid’s colossal career. So…congratulations, Kid…you have finally peaked! The 0-0 result has both teams (fittingly) tied with Grey at 1-1-1 to start the season, (appropriately) knotted in a pack behind co-leaders in the clubhouse, Blue and Lime.

Captain Chad Goins & ‘Hakuna Mostafa’ are not feeling much love through the first two weeks of play, coming in like a lamb with a lopsided Week One loss, and a (misfortune-aided) close-but-not-quite meeting with ‘the other blue’ in Week Two. This season is expected to be wide open and a bit wacky, and even the lowliest team has a chance for last minute redemption, but…the pride still stings with every loss (see what I did there…pride…lions…fuck, I am so awesome)…

Our fearless ‘cover team’ was hungry for a rebound repast against their deeper-shirt-shaded brethren in Week Two, having been blasted by Orange 6-1 in their opener. Captain Ryan Karns and ‘Karsnma Police’ had their badges in place, ready to run in another suspect and get out to a perfect start heading into their bye week. A scoreless first period had both teams finding moments of mesh, but mostly mess, but the second period brought an early strike from (who else) Zach Salt (from team namesake, Mostafa Azab, and Jon Zygelman). That Atomic lead last just over five minutes, as Weston Nawrocki deflected home a nifty Emily Bennington cross to tie the tilt, then snapped home a second less the half a minute later to make it 2-1, Blue. With Jon Champine in the box, and the draw in Blue’s end, Alan Razoky won the ball back to Geoff Downes…who promptly flung it down the rink…on net…off Zack Siemer’s goalie stick…into the net. It was a shocking turn, to say the least…a short handed strike from goal line to goal line, and it put Blue up by two. As fate would have it, that fluky fling would stand as the game-winner, thanks to a Carl Vankoughnett goal minutes later to make it 3-2. Chuck Bender (18/20) stayed steady throughout, and Siemer (19/22 in a sub role for Wayne Wong) would allow no more tallies (of any variety), as Blue would hold on for the 3-2 win. The regular season standings don’t have nearly the level of meaning this time around, but Blue can still revel in their sole-possession of the top spot (for now), while Atomic Blue sit at the other end of the slate with fellow winless wonders, White.

Captain Jon Salt’s Pink, and Captain Palomo Schmidt’s White sides were both looking to rebound from a disappointing debuts in Week Two. The disappointment would only deepen for the latter, as Salt found his scoring touch, and torched White for four goals, including a second period hat trick, to lead his team to a 5-2 win. Joe Nguyen opened the scoring with the only non-Salt Pink tally early in the first, and Captain Palomo Schmidt equalized less than two minutes later. Salt’s second period spate sucked most of the drama out of the affair, and though Alexis DaCosta cut the lead to two with just under four minutes to play, Sean Kelly (17/19) would hold the line. Salt’s fourth was deposited into an empty net, with Nick Meglich (14/18) looking on as his surrogate team’s record sagged to 0-2-0. Zach Siemer racked up three assists for Pink…a welcome swing from his unfortunate turn in nets for Atomic Blue the game prior. White will try again for their first W in a showdown with Grey, while Pink look to make it two in a row as they take on Orange in the late game.

First year player, and first time captain, Will Heinl, led ‘Gold Will Hunting’ into their season debut to face Orange…and Ezra Cohen took it from there. Cohen assisted on Mark Ennsmann’s strike in the opening minute of play, then scored his first of the night even earlier in the second. Remember Eric Herrmann…he’s still really good. He poured in two (both from Kevin ‘The Deputy’ Dinino) to knot the score at 2-2 through two. Cohen was beyond ‘really good’ in this one, though, netting the game-winner with another early tally in the third, and completing the hat trick minutes later. Jerry Gonzales capped the scoring (courtesy of Cohen’s second assist of the night), and Gold went on to win going away, 5-2. Cohen finished with POTW honors for his 3 and 2 outburst, Ennsmann chipped in 1 and 2, and Nick Meglich notched the win with a 20/22 sheet. Chuck Bender (16/21) suffered the loss in an emergency sub stint for the injured Chris Tran. Gold will look to match Blue’s 2-0-0 record when they take on Atomic Blue, while Orange will look to bounce back in a battle of 1-1-0 teams this Sunday.

The hat trick hat passed from Jon Salt in game two, to Ezra Cohen in game three, to…Chris Malki in game four. Jordan Pynn put Grey on the board first, but ‘Pops’ responded to knot it, and ‘Sonny’ (Joe Malki) and ‘Pops’ teamed up to make it 3-1 Green through two. Justin Stege cut the lead in half with less than three minutes to play, but it was Chris Malki again to complete the hat trick and seal the 4-2 win. Tyler Winstead racked up three assists, and Don Tran (20/22) was strong start to finish to even his (and his team’s) records at 1-1-0. Chuck Bender (12/16) absorbed the loss in his THIRD game in nets on the night (thank you, Chuck!). as Grey dropped to 1-1-0. Grey will look to get back in the W column this Sunday against hite (W-less ‘White’), while Green take on ‘the other green’, the 1-0-0 Lime.

Alexis DaCosta made his triumphant return to SDFHL action, putting White on the board first in the first. The wagering world wondered what took so long for White to secure a lead, but Eric Willard’s response less than half a minute later, and Aaron Cooney’s strike minutes later had the unofficial underdogs officially on top through ten minutes of play. Captain Nagy built the lead to 3-1 early in the second, Vance Morra converted on the game’s lone power play opportunity, and Aaron Cooney laced home an encore to make it 5-1 Lime through two! Cooney was awarded POTW honors, having factored in all five Lime goals (2 and 3) with a full period left to play. The third period was comparatively quiet, with Alexis DaCosta’s second of the game making the final score a touch more respectable, but no more beneficial for White. Chris Tran did not face a lot of orange plastic in his fill-in role for Alex Theis (7/9), while Cory Brin (23/28) was kept busy throughout at the other end in the 5-2 loss. White was without Josh Wirt and Harsh Wanigaratne, and the presence of those two up front likely would have at least made this a closer contest, but the story of this game remains the play of much-maligned Lime, and Cooney’s breakout performance. It will certainly be interesting to see how both of these teams fare the rest of the way…

The Herrmannator™ & The Deputy™ are back for season two of their shoot ’em up series, and Atomic Blue was the first to face the reunited dynamic duo. Herrmann (Eric Herrmann, for those new to the league) scored the lone goal in the first, and Chuck Russell chalked up the game-winner in the latter half of the second period. It was Herrmann again, this time from ‘The Deputy’, Kevin Dinino, to give Orange a 3-0 lead through two. The third saw Herrmann from Dinino, then Dinino from Herrmann within the first three minutes, then (finally) a response from Atomic Blue (Luke Wolmer from Zach Salt and Matt Rogers). Ian Crooks capped the scoring for Orange in the 6-1 rout that had Wayne Wong (11/17) wishing he had stayed home, and Chris Tran (21/22) anchoring his side to an opening week W. Just how far with the Sherriff & The Deputy push Orange this season, and can Captain Chad Goins & Company show the league that this near photocopy of last season’s champs will not fade and fold without a fight?

Parity was certainly not paramount in Week One, as Captain Ryan Karns and his ‘Karnsma Police’ ran in ‘Tranaconda’ 4-1. Three games in…three games decided by three or more goals. This one stayed tight and scoreless until Captain Karns’ point shot deflected off Mark DeGraffenreid’s foot to give Blue a 1-0 lead late in the first. Captain Joe Malki settled the score midway through the second, but Anthony Cerasuolo would respond later in the frame to give Blue the lead back for good. Shawna Hamon added insurance at 4:10 in the third, and DeGraffenreid netted an empty netter to cap the scoring, and remove any semblance of drama from the final minute of play. Chuck Bender earned first star of the game for his 28/29 effort, while Don Tran absorbed a hard fought, hard luck loss with a line of 14/17. Blue is already brimming with confidence, having pulled off an opening week win in the absence of Alan Razoky. They face ‘the other Blue’ in the early game this week. Green hope to bounce back in the late game against Grey, who impressed against Pink in their debut.

Zach Salt is not often held scoreless, but both Salt boys going o-fer is definitely long Vegas odds. If you happened to have that parlay, you would be sitting pretty, as Grey shook off (Jon) Salt, and peppered Sean Kelly in a 4-2 Week One win. Rob Gaudio opened the scoring on a feed from Jim LaGrossa, and returned the favor on LaGrossa’s lamp lighter late in the period. Dan Jurgens had converted a Pat Gladstone pass between the two Grey tallies, making the score 2-1 Grey, after one. Matt DeBerry scored his first SDFHL goal early in the second (CONGRATULATIONS!) but Gaudio’s second of the game (from LaGrossa, of course) came just minutes later to wrest back the lead for Grey, 3-2. With Dan Jurgens ailing on the bench, and Matt Gottfried not in the lineup, Pink struggled to generate quality chances in the third. Grey was careful and calculating…trying to minimize salvos from the Salt cannon, and Jordan Pynn ultimately provided some stability with a late third period goal (from LaGrossa, of course). Parsa Mostafavi was sharp in his SDFHL debut, stopping 22/24 to secure the win, while Sean Kelly (20/24) suffered the loss, and a rare four goal statistical gouge at the other end.