Week Four (really ‘Week Two’…thanks, Mother Nature) opened with Captain Sev Brown and ‘Professor Salt’s Plums’ facing off against Captain Chad Goins’ as-yet-unnamed creation. It’s probably for the better that Grey is nameless, as namesake Jon Salt and Purple continued to kick ass and take names in their second outing of the season. Salt staked Purple to a lead with an unassisted strike at 2:10 in the first, then served up the primary assist on Joe Nguyen’s game-winner early in the second (second assist to Jason Northrup). Nguyen then returned the favor on Kaitlyn Brusso’s powerplay poke later in the period to plump Purple to a three goal lead going into the third. Salt’s second (and fifth of the young season) came at 5:53 in the final frame (from Steve Linke), and super sub, Pat Gladstone, got in on the act to make it 5-0 with 3:05 to play (from Tyler Winstead). If ever the term ‘too little, too late’ were applicable…Captain Goins finally struck back for Grey with ONE second left in the game (from Vance Morra and Rob LaVigne), which was really just an act of scuffing Don Tran’s shiny shutout shoes. Tran (13/14) may have lost the no-no in heartbreaking fashion, but he has allowed just one goal in each of this first two games, and appears to be in tip top form for a team that is hitting on all cylinders. Jon Cima (10/15) labored through his first loss of the season, but may take comfort in having one of the early season’s most potent offenses out of the way. The 5-1 win leaves Purple one of only two teams at 2-0-0, and they’ll look to improve that record against one of four winless teams (Orange) this Sunday.

The first two periods of the tilt between Orange and White were pretty standard fare. Carl Vankoughnett (from Josh Wirt) got White on the board at 6:50 in the first, Rob Gaudio (from Captain Bryan Ossa and David Schlatter) struck back at 0:46, and Vankoughnett restored White’s edge at 0:21 (from Mark Nagy and Wirt). Nagy grew White’s lead at 7:29 in the second (from Dinino), and Captain Ryan Karns made it 4-1 in his team’s favor going into the final period of play (from Pat Gladstone and Vankoughnett). So…five goals in two periods…nothing crazy…just your average SDFHL game…probably destined for something like a 5-2 final…NOPE. NINE more goals came crashing through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man on crack in the final frame, leaving the scorer hospitalized with (what we are told is) a terminal wrist sprain (RIP, LaVigne), and setting what absolutely has to be a never-to-be-beaten league record for downright offensive offensive onslaught. I don’t want to be buried with LaVigne, so I am going straight laundry list here, folks:

WHITE: Josh Wirt (Carl Vankoughnett and Ryan Karns)

WHITE: Josh Wirt (Arnold Gonzales)

ORANGE: David Schlatter (Weston Nawrocki and Rob Gaudio)

ORANGE: David Schlatter

WHITE: Kevin Dinino (Ramsey Ksar and Mark Nagy)

WHITE: Josh Wirt (Ryan Karns)

ORANGE: Erin Plone (David Schlatter and Rob Gaduio)

WHITE: Ramsey Ksar (Ryan Owen)

WHITE: Josh Wirt (Carl Vankoughnett)

Yeah…all of that happened…in one period. You may have also noted that Josh Wirt dropped FOUR goals on Orange in the climax of chaos, leading the chaotic charge for White is his season debut with a 4 and 2 effort. The 10-4 (good buddy) final, while surely a once in an eclipse year anomaly, may still send shivers down the spines of White’s future opponents. Vankoughnett’s 2 and 3 night has him in lock step with the leaders on the points board, and the ‘VW Bus’ of Vankoughnett/Wirt is clearly not something you want to stand in front of…

Captain Jeremy Copp’s ‘Olive Us Are Suspects’ made their VERY long awaited season debut following a rainout, rainout, bye week torture tease three week span. Captain Copp has actually STILL yet to play a game this season, as he was out of town while his mates faced off with Captain Kyle Prior’s Brown. Zach Salt had Brown out of the blocks first, converting a quick Mark DeGraffenreid dish into an even quicker shot to beat Silas ‘The Silencer’ Perks. Christopher Fiore (from Brandon Olsen) and Dan Soar (from Hima Joshi) turned Olive’s frown upside down in the second, but Salt (from a sweet Shawna Hamon feed) leveled things for Brown again with just 0:33 to play in the middle frame. It was more Fiore and Soar in the third, with Chris slapping home a long range game-winner (from Soar and Perks), and Soar adding empty net insurance and quelling a late Brown push. Perks (20/22) proved once again why he is the best in the business, but it was Fiore and Soar rightfully claiming two of three stars of the week in an impressive 4-2 Olive debut coup. Cory Brin (13/16) suffered the loss in his first action of the season…that is, if you don’t count the action he saw in relief of sub Don Tran for Orange in that 10-4 bloodbath. Brown will look to bounce back this week with the help of Tony Thinh, who is stepping in to replace the injured Ash Wadhwa for the remainder of the season.

Our cover team was up next, with Captain Joel Gattey’s ‘Murder On The J-Hole Express’ staying on track with another convincing early season win. Chris Malki actually put his team on the front foot first, but unfortunately for Captain Leah Gonzales & Company, it would be the first and only goal for Teal for the second straight week to start the season. Even more unfortunate for Gonzales…she broke her thumb in ‘the mistress league’, and may well be out for the season. I will let you all draw your own conclusions from that short story on what not to do if you want to enjoy a happy, healthy SDFHL season/career. Meanwhile, Trevor ‘F*CKING’ Vick…the force is strong with this one. The teenaged rookie sensation, who was born when most of us had long-since graduated college, was at it again for Red in his second career game. His first of the game evened the tide in the first (from Papa Tim Vick and Captain Gattey), and his solo effort second early in the second would hold up as the game-winner. He went on to add a second assist on Wendy Enright’s powerplay conversion late in the second (Papa Vick with the primary), and Nick Vacchio made sure things were well out of reach with his third of the season early in the third (from Alexis DaCosta and Jordan Pynn). Sean Kelly (25/26) rightfully commands a good deal of the credit for Red’s success, posting ho-hum heroic numbers again so far this season, but the ‘Vick & Nick’ attack is (or should be) an eyebrow raiser for all future opponents, as well. The 4-1 loss is more bad news for Teal, who now turn to surrogate skipper, Zach Siemer, to turn a winless season around. Worse news…Teal will barely have enough bodies to field a team against a bolstered. bloodthirsty Brown in Week Five…

The late game was the only nailbiter on offer in Week Four, as Pink and Gold battled it out under the lights to cap the night. Mason LaGrossa took the youth movement baton from Trevor Vick, slotting home his second of the season late in the first (from Josh Tran) to give Captain Janine Ulloa’s creation a leg up. Speaking of legs…Ulloa would injure hers (her ankle, specifically) in (take a wild stab…go on)…the mistress league (!), leaving her on the sidelines with fellow captain, Leah Gonzales, powerless to help her team with anything more than shouts of encouragement. Josh Tran cashed in early in the second to give Pink a 2-0 lead, but Gold would climb back into the fray as the clock wound down towards the second intermission. Brennan Abel (part of the OLD youth movement in our league) broke the scoring seal for Gold at 2:35 in the second (from Greg Francisco and Captain Jeannine Stuzka), and Wendy Enright (I feel like she played in every game, this week) drew Gold level with an unassisted super sub strike with just 0:16 in the period. It was Abel again with the game-winner (from Harsh Wanigaratne)…the lone goal for either team in a tight third to lead Gold to a 3-2 comeback win and even their record at 1-1-0. Speaking of playing multiple games, Sean Kelly (23/24) turned up in the three stars again in this one, sparkling in a sub role for Chris Tran. Nick Vacchio (23/26) dropped to 0-2-0 in nets for Pink, but can take solace in his steady contribution to Red’s 2-0-0 start.

Brown versus Pink…a quintessential tossup to FINALLY open the Spring 2024 season, after weeks of ill-timed precipitation (I blame Czar Carl) had us all murderous with anticipation and frustration. The ghost of President Pope was not only ‘there in spirit’, but also (somehow) a spirited factor in the opener for Kyle Prior’s ‘No Shit, Sherlock’, racking up three assists, including the primary on Zach Salt’s first in the first, and second (on the powerplay) in the second (second assist to newcomer, Rob Pietropaula). Salt would complete the hat trick early in the third (from Chuck Russell), and Russell would add insurance (from DeGraffenreid and newcomer, Jim Peters) to build Brown’s lead to 4-0. Pink (specifically, ‘The LaGrossa Boys’™) would not go down without a fight, though, as Mason converted a pass from Papa Jim to snap the shutout, then returned the favor in setting up his old man to cut the lead to two with 4:46 to play. Matt Henderson (23/25) would hold strong the rest of the way, though, securing the 4-2 win for Brown as a stand-in for Cory Brin. Nick Vacchio (22/26) absorbed the loss for Captain Janine Ulloa’s ‘…Pink Tranthers’, and The Butler™ has informed us that Brown picked up two clues in the exchange, to go with the two points in the standings.

The second game of the new season saw a second Salt hat trick leading a second two-goal winning effort. Captain Ryan Karns’ White actually made the first cut in this one, with…wait for it…the return of The Deputy™! Yes, Kevin Dinino is back in action, and his first of the season (from Carl Vankoughnett and Dorothy Kline) at 5:04 in the first gave White the early edge. It’s too late for a spoiler alert, but that edge would be knocked from White’s hands with Jon Salt’s first of the evening at 8:59 in the second (Joe Nguyen & Tyler Winstead), picked up and brandished by Salt with an unassisted effort early in the third, then used to complete the kill with the hat trick marker less than two minutes later (from Jason Northrup). Matt Henderson (16/19) suffered the cruel fate of winning when it doesn’t count (for surrogate, Brown), and losing when it does, while Don Tran’s 15/16 sparkler was the perfect compliment to Salt’s assault in the 3-1 Purple win. The Butler™ has once again confirmed that White let two clues slip to Purple in this exchange, putting ‘General Eggplant’ and his troops that much closer to solving this mystery…and maybe also getting away with the ‘procurement’ of that shiny Cup in the library everyone is so found of…

The creamy middle of the Week Three cookie was a delicious duel that would ultimately end in a 3-3 draw. Captain Chad Goins unveiled his new experimental prototype, ‘Kyle Snyder Forward X’, and Captain Bryan Ossa looked to counter with The Schlatter & Gaudio Show™. It was Captain Ossa himself putting Orange on the front foot at 6:07 in the first (from Erin Plone), but that shiny new offensive weapon, Snyder, struck back for Grey later in the period (from Eric Willard & Vance Morra). Willard ‘scored’ the only goal of the second period…a genuine own goal for Orange, with Willard cashing in a goal-by-proxy to give Grey their first lead of the game. Snyder would build that lead with his second strike early in the third (from Janice and Tom Darlington), but Rob Gaudio sliced Orange back to within one just over a minute later (from Gary Peters and David Schlatter). Just when it looked like the lopsided shot count (28 to 14 in Grey’s favor) and the clock would tick and tock Grey to a season opening win, it was Gaudio again (from Schlatter and Plone) to pull Orange back even with 2:02 to play, and 3-3 is where it would stay. Don Tran (25/28) was heroic in his fill-in effort in Nick Meglich’s stead, while Jon Cima (11/14) was solid in his first turn since capturing the Cup with Red last season, but ultimately saddled with a non-win in his Spring 2024 debut. The result allowed both teams to keep one of their original clues guarded, but also forced them to surrender one. Every clue will count when it is time to make an accusation…

Captain Joel Gattey followed in Captain Ossa’s footsteps, getting his team on the board first early in the second (from proud papa, Tim Vick). From there, the stories for Red were the triumphant return of Nick Vacchio (sans goalie gear), and the arrival of a young new talent, Trevor Vick. Vacchio notched his first of the game at 3:32 in the first (from Craig Russell), then assisted on Trevor Vick’s first career SDFHL goal at 2:10 in the second (CONGRATULATIONS, Trevor!). Brennan Abel had checked in on the scoring sheet earlier in the second to cut the lead to 2-1, but young Vick’s stick pushed the cushion back to two to close out the second. Vacchio fired home his second of the game at 6:11 in the third (from…yep…Trevor Vick) to push the gap to 4-1, and while Abel’s second came as a quick response, it would be the only response Gold would muster. Alexis DaCosta (from Wendy Enright and Russell) iced an already ready-to-eat cake, and a standard-issue-stellar Sean Kelly (16/18) blew out any remaining Gold candles to preserve the 5-2 win. Chuck Bender (12/17) had something of a rough outing as a sub for the ailing Chris Tran, and Gold let both of their starting clues slip into their rivals’ hands with the loss…

The nightcap brought another much-anticipate debut…Ryan Loughran in nets! It’s always exciting to have new goalies in the league, and perhaps even more exciting to see how to ‘converted floor player’ fares. ‘Quite well’ was the answer, in this case. Dan Jurgens got the scoring started for Black at 2:39 in the first (from Captain John Boddy and Geoff Downes), and that 1-0 lead would remain unchanged until the second half of the third period. In that span, Loughran had snuffed out all ~20 shots he had faced, and looked to be heading to not only his first career win, but his first career shutout. Captain Boddy ended the offensive drought at 3:53 in the third (from Jurgens and Sadie Hellstrom), but Joe Malki responded just fifteen seconds later to cut the lead back to one, and prove to his mates that Loughran is beatable. Unfortunately for Captain Leah Gonzales and Chuck Bender (11/13), that second Black goal would indeed hold up as the game-winner, 2-1 Black over Teal. So, Loughran did not post a clean slate, but his 23/24 was certainly an impressive first outing. With that, the first night of mixing and mingling around 4S Manor concluded, with Mr. ‘Doctor’ Black snatching two clues from the careless lips of Lady Tealsdale…plenty of sleuthing yet to be done!

Colonel Chadwick Grey:  It remains unclear whether Grey is, or was a ‘colonel’ in the traditional military sense, or a ‘colonel’ in the founder-of-a-fried-chicken-empire sense.  He does love to spin lengthy ‘war stories’ (in what seems a very put-on southern drawl), but it is more often (what should have been a very short story) about sustaining some minor wound, or suffering some personal affront on the ‘battle field’ (hockey rink).  Whatever the case, Grey’s contemptuous looks during the toast at the welcome dinner certainly make it seem like he has ‘something cooking’…perhaps herbs and spices aren’t his only secret?

Duchess Jeannine Gold-Diggerton:  The deliciously apropos hyphenated surname has nothing to do with coincidence…the Duchess intentionally sought out Duke Duncan Diggerton at a retreat for the wealthiest (and shallowest) of barely human bazillionaires, ‘courted’ him, and found herself ‘happily married’ the very next day.  Most agree that we can replace ‘courted’ with ‘hypnotized’, and ‘happily married’ with ‘legally attached to the ample teat of a zombified rich man’, but honestly, who really cares?  You probably should care about the whole hypnosis bit, though…it’s said she can make even the most non of nonbelievers in the mysterious art do her bidding with just a twinkle of the eyes and a few quick gestures.  President Pope always was a sucker for an eye twinkle…

Professor Kyle VonBraun:  Teaching is a noble profession, which is why the rumors are likely true that VonBraun is not an actual professor.  While the ‘degrees’ on the wall of his office are impressive, a closer look proves that the only impressive bit about them is the impeccable Photoshop work that has taken place.  VonBraun ‘professes’ to teach high level computer science and analytics classes at an ‘esteemed university, somewhere in the mountains…you wouldn’t have heard of it…don’t try to look it up’, but it seems clear that the only class he is actually qualified to teach is ‘Pretending To Be Someone You’re Not 101’.  Perhaps he actually majored in…murder?

General Severus Eggplant:  Unlike ‘Colonel Grey’, this General has actually earned his stripes in battle…we thank him for his service.  Despite having retired nearly a decade ago, Eggplant still clearly features himself as THE leader of any given group.  He maintains a habit of barking at/commanding those around him, regardless of their ‘rank’ in a given social circle, and often becomes flustered to the point of (rather violent) physical ‘expression’ when things don’t march to his drum beat.  As you think back…he did seem to bristle quite a bit at the attention and respect being given to President Pope as guests gathered last night in the Orange Ballroom…makes you wonder if he declared his own private war in the dark corners of his mind, between sips of brandy…

Baron Bryan L’Orange:  The title ‘Baron’ seems a bit old world, and…it is.  L’Orange chose this ‘branding’ for himself after careful consideration, and intense consultation with a team of the world’s most renown and respected hipsters.  In reality, L’Orange is a titan of modern industry…something of an Elon Musk, but…well, the ‘Elon Musk of personal pleasure products’.  Sadly, as his wealth continued to grow, and as his market penetration increased, he came to be more and more manic, moodier, and so unpredictable that not even his cutting edge ‘Dildo69’ AI model (yes, he went there) could offer insight into his mental state and motives.  Would ‘Ruthless Killer’ be enough of a ‘disrupting, and paradigm shifting’ rebrand for L’Orange?   

Mister (‘Doctor’) John ‘Black Hat’ Boddy:  More title twisting here…Boddy fancies himself a ‘doctor’ and INSISTS that one always refer to him as such.  Outside of expertly ‘doctoring’ his medical credentials, however, he has no claim to the title.  Ironically, ‘Mister Doctor’ is ‘MD’, so…I think we have a compromise.  Boddy earned the nickname ‘Black Hat’ some time back, after he turned out to be the ‘strange man’ in a series of reports detailing a ‘strange man in a black hat walking along the rooftops in town’.  So, it’s clear that Boddy has less fear of heights than he does of appearing to be a normal civilian without a fancy professional title.  People can fall from heights.  People can be pushed from heights.  People pushed from heights can die.  You don’t need to be a doctor to understand all of that…

Reverend Ryan Blanco:  TV evangelists get a bad rap…for good reason.  ‘Blanco’s Blessings’ was one of the most popular (and lucrative) religious programs ever aired, but (*shocked gasp*) a wave of scandals gradually enveloped the ‘church’, leaving Blanco with nothing but his trophy wife, three spoiled kids, and a (literal) swimming pool filled with congregation cash as consolation.  You really needed just one piece of evidence to know that he was not an actual ‘religious man’…he is (or…was) best friends with the newly-deceased (a man with as much use for a Bible as a subscription to a ‘single sock of the month’ club).  You’d like to count Blanco out of the suspect pool for that very reason, but…ask the ‘good’ Reverend about the shirt that President Pope INSISTED he wear to his wedding.  Cliffs Notes…Blanco wanted to wear a very, very similar shirt to the one Pope picked out for the groomsmen, but NO…that shirt wasn’t EXACTLY right for the occasion.  Sometimes it’s the little things (like your BFF’s OCD) that trigger people to make big mistakes…

Lady Leah Tealsdale:  Lady Leah left her life as LA’s lone ‘labia lawyer’ (cashing in on a spate of botched ‘vaginal rejuvenation’ surgeries) to lead a lavish, but low key, lay-about life in La Paz.  While by no means ‘off the grid’, her move to Bolivia kept her already pretty private personal life that much more out of the minds, and off the tongues of her fellows in the Orange Ballroom.  She did let slip that she is betrothed to a wealthy (female) South American shipping tycoon, and that the whole ‘Lady’ bit was something of a pet name until Tealsdale formally adopted the moniker sometime after the proposal.  Oh, she also let slip that ‘I hate President Pope, and hope this trip to 4S Manor is the last time I, or anyone else, will ever have to see him alive’.  You have to admit, as damning quotes in the midst of a murder investigation go, even Lady Leah the legendary labia lawyer would agree that authorities are going to have a hard time seeing past that gem…

Doctor J’ermé Olivier:  In a shocking twist (for this crew) Olivier is indeed a real doctor!  Not so shocking…definitely a fake Frenchman.  If I were born Jeremy Jerome Jackson, I might have opted for something cool like ‘J Trey’ or ‘Trey J’, but I suppose that works better as a hip hop handle than the name at the top of countless published medical journal entries, and slathered across at least half a dozen ivy league college buildings.  It’s probably worth mentioning that Olivier’s name change may just have been the tip of the alteration iceberg.  What started as a ‘wild conspiracy’ theory has looked more like strange and macabre truth of late, with Olivier linked to an underground group of doctors who are ‘exploring the finest of threads between life and death’.  That’s fancy speak for essentially killing ‘patients’, then attempting to ‘bring them back to life’.  Perhaps he got the process half right last night?   

Detective Joel Q. Redman:  No murder mystery would be complete without a shrewd, sarcastic private eye in the mix.  This murder mystery will have to make do with a boozy, bumbling, and only sometimes brilliant clue hound.  Redman’s days on the force ended with the stray bullet that still lives lodged in his lower back.  The bullet, and the Bulleit bourbon he now uses to numb the pain of that ever-present foreign object have rendered him surly, slurry, and surely not as sharp as he used to be.  Oh, it’s probably worth mentioning that the stray bullet living inside Redman came not from a fleeing perp, but from President Pope’s hunting rifle.  Accidents happen…and so do re-accidents…

Princess Janine diRosa: Actual princess…and yes, she actually wears that tiara everywhere she goes…even in the shower…even to bed.  Her prim, proper, and persnickety nature should come as no surprise, based on word association with ‘princess’ alone, but the gowns and crowns hide a darker side…much darker…like, super dark.  You see, our perfect little princess ‘went missing’ for several years in the early 00’s.  She claimed to have been ‘finding herself’, and recounted stories of cross country travels to friends, family, and (ultimately) federal agents, who wondered (with good reason) how she continually/reliably ‘found herself’ in the wrong place at the wrong time, with police connecting her to the time/date dots of a string of unsolved murders from New York to San Diego.  Her ‘royal’ clout and wealth have kept her free (for now), and while her floor-length ball gown hides her ankle tracker, she can’t hide her true nature for long…